Disappointed With Myself..

[FindingMyself88]

I am very disappointed with myself tonight…I said I would never smoke marijuana, but I did last night. The anxiety had/has gotten to the breaking point. Even after taking my anxiety medication, I was still so on edge. My roommate kept telling me to try it and I gave in. But really, I don't regret it and I did it again tonight. Last night was the first time that I can remember ever breathing freely…it feels so weird, but so good. I feel so guilty for going against my personal beliefs but yet I can't believe how good it feels, even for just a little while. It's saddening how far I am desperate to go just to get a feeling of calm…this is not me…. :(

not saying any one else is wrong for smoking marijuana, it was against my personal beliefs...

 

[katiekat]

First, good for you for having high standards for yourself. I was high for the last 5 years until about 7 months ago. I was told by my therapist that he couldn't effectively help me if I continued to smoke. I was desperate to get help and so I quit.

I think I went about 3 months without, but have had a handful of slip ups. I felt overwhelmed, agitated, annoyed, etc and I too went against my plan to stay clean. I told my therapist each time and he is surprisingly non-judgemental.

His response is always something similar to, 'I believe that in that moment you were doing the best you could and that you didn't have enough tools to calm yourself without smoking.' I feel like the same probably goes for you.

Try to have some compassion for yourself about smoking. Weed will not kill you, it's not highly addictive like other drugs or even alcohol... you could have done a lot worse. Just keep your personal standards in check and ask for help if you need a new coping strategy. Go to the gym, take a shower, whatever it is that will calm you and distract you from smoking.

Ask for your roommate to help by clearly stating you need his help to not smoke. Say, 'I am working very hard to be healthy and I need your help by not smoking around me or offering it to me.'

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

It's saddening how far I am desperate to go just to get a feeling of calm…this is not me….

I will react to this as the person who I am. As a person who grew up in The Netherlands, where Marihuana has a semi-legal status, where it is o.k for pretty much anyone to enjoy a joint the way you would enjoy a beer, once in a while. So I hope you do not take it personally if this goes against your beliefs!

I applaud you for having lived up to your standards so long. That takes some kind of courage and perseverance. Don't underestimate yourself!! Second: in my opinion, you are being hard on yourself by being dissapointed. When I was in therapy, I smoked weed for a while. My therapist told me this: if it doesn't get in the way of your personal growth, and if it helps you through your problems now, it's o.k.

She said, just don't use it as a way to flee from your problems, and don't use it as a long-term solution because it is not. But you had a moment of freedom for yourself! And you enjoyed it! It's a good thing, it's a happy thing. It doesn't mean that now you are hooked on it. Like Katiekat said, it's not highly addictive. Forgive yourself for a moment of feeling free!! :laugh:

It sounds like you have a healthy mindset and know what you want. :tup:

 

[radicalgratitude]

Honestly, I've never done it, but if I had access to marijuana, I would smoke it for an escape. If I ever get to Colorado, you can bet what I'd do... I'm not promoting it, I'm just saying that's where I am right now, mentally. I just need a break from my PTSD symptoms.

Be careful though. They don't call it the "gateway drug" for nothing. People want another high and they get into harder stuff. It happens all the time.

 

[katiekat]

lol! I haven't heard the term "gateway drug" since like 5th grade maybe! That is cracking me up! I think the reality behind that term is that people think, "Hey, I smoked pot, what is the big deal?" and if they are low on self-worth, low standards, or are just totally uneducated about drugs, then they move on to other drugs-especially if they surround themselves with people who do different kinds of drugs.

So, smoking weed is not going to make you want to do other drugs, but your overall mental state along with what I just mentioned can fuel experimentation or seeking different ways to escape through other drugs. In general, "stick to the organic stuff or nothing at all" is my philosophy!

And, if you are already in a position to recognize that doing drugs is not how you want to cope, then just stop, don't take it any further than what you have done as of yet. And like I mentioned above, if you need ways to cope, speak to a therapist.

I can tell you value yourself and I urge you to continue to do that. In my experience, smoking has been a way for me to escape, sort of similar to dissociating. It numbs negative emotions (can also cause anxiety tho!), and it puts the blinders on so that when you sober up and look back on all the time you spent high, you realize that you could have made much better choices in life... you would have been able to SEE what needed to change instead of covering up the pain or avoiding problems by smoking. And with that, I will leave you with the following: "Just say NO!" :p

 

[InsideAWord]

Medical Cannabis has been issued for the treatment of particular PTSD symptoms in the past. Fact.

So, don't feel too bad. Many sufferers have used it to either sleep easily or ease anxiety and muscle tension during the day. As always, proceed with caution, mostly for the legal issues involved. But, don't hate yourself because using cannabis as a therapeutic agent isn't really all that weird.

 

[katiekat]

PTSD now qualifies for medicinal marijuana.in Oregon as of 2014. I personally don't think its a good idea for some people who suffer from anxiety because it can intensify the feeling of anxiety. I know from experience...

 

[Notsowild]

I do not think it is any different than all the drugs our doctors prescribe. We can get medical marijauna in our country and it is supposed to be good for PTSD. I tried it too but it didn't do much but I'll probably try it again

 

[radicalgratitude]

Now I really want some.....:sneaky: Again, I don't have a way of obtaining marijuana. I think I just want a timeout from life for a little while.

In other words, don't sweat it. You're not alone. I'm pretty clean-cut myself and I have the same temptations. The only difference between us is accessibility.

 

[ill]

To be quite honest, I think marijuana is or can be a tool like anything else. A tool can be useful or useless depending on the circumstances.

I really question the notion of marijuana as a "gateway" drug - I know plenty of people who've exclusively smoked marijuana, people who do nothing but "organic" drugs, people who've bypassed marijuana in favour of the hard stuff and people who will dabble in any and everything if given the chance.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks everyone for the support, it means a lot. If marijuana wasn't illegal where I live, I think I wouldn't feel as strongly about it. But also, its the fact of WHY I did it… everyone (doctor, psych, therapist, close friend) keeps telling me that I'm doing so good at handling my PTSD, but I just do not see it! Either they are blind or I am putting up one hell of a fake face! I think a lot of it is I can tell them that something happened, such as a humiliating panic attack in public this week, but I can't really find the words to say how I feel about things. My head is one jumbled, cross-wired, pained and broken mess.

I did end up having a big panic attack coming off the high. The thing that I liked most about smoking it was I could breathe freely. Every day I feel like I breathe with a pound of bricks on my lungs, it always feels like a struggle. Health wise my lungs are fine, its my anxiety. When I smoked the last 2 nights, that went away. For one whole hour last night I just sat and felt the freedom of breathing..But when i started coming off the high, I woke up back to the normal and it panicked me at first.

I just don't know how I feel about all of this..

 

[InsideAWord]

You can always see which marijuana strains work best for you or if you want to see if a hybrid stain will work for you. If you do want to pursue it for medicinal use.