Disappointed With Myself..

[katiekat]

everyone (doctor, psych, therapist, close friend) keeps telling me that I'm doing so good at handling my PTSD, but I just do not see it! Either they are blind or I am putting up one hell of a fake face!

I think a lot of it is I can tell them that something happened, such as a humiliating panic attack in public this week, but I can't really find the words to say how I feel about things. My head is one jumbled, cross-wired, pained and broken mess.

I think if you told your therapist this exact thing, they will be able to help you better. And I think its totally normal not to be able to find the words to say about how you feel about your traumas-it's part of the PTSD thing and how our brains have stored memories of trauma.

Just being able to have that insight and then tell your therapist will allow them to see what is going on with you... without having to find the words. They can help you with that-but they need to know you have a hard time doing that.

I think they also KNOW and EXPECT you to have a hard time saying how you feel. If it were me, I would write down this paragraph of yours that I quoted and just read it to your therapist. I think it says a lot about you struggles. I'd love to hear an update if you choose to do this and how it went and if you found it helpful! Take care!

 

[FindingMyself88]

@katiekat Thank you, I do think I am going to write something down to this extent in my journal and hand it to her. SOOO much has happened and I haven't seen my T in 3-4 weeks. Suppose to see her tomorrow if the weather doesn't interfere...

 

[katiekat]

Good-I am glad to hear this! I think its helpful sometimes to talk about WHY some things are hard to talk about. It at least gets it out there in the open that you are struggling with something that isn't really the trauma itself but is hampering your ability to grow/heal.

I just did this with my therapist last week... I was feeling incredibly uncomfortable with the "therapist stare" as I like to call it. Sometimes if I am triggered during a session that "stare" can be unbearable for me. It happens when he asks a question, and because I have slightly dissociated, my mind seems to go blank, but once I realize I can't think or answer his question, I get this overwhelming sense of fear, and I start thinking negative thoughts about myself and why I can't answer him or even think at the moment.

He doesn't accept the answer "I don't know" so I end up not saying a word and it just makes me feel all this pressure. When I brought this all up to him, he was incredibly receptive about it and we brainstormed ways to prevent me feeling that fear or pressure. Ultimately, this fear that I feel sometimes in therapy is hampering my ability to talk... so in a way its similar to what you experience. (sometimes my head/thoughts just feels all jumbled up too... it was nice to read I am not alone in that!)

I left my session feeling so much better (it may have been one of my better sessions even), even though we didn't work on trauma stuff, I gained even more trust in my therapist... which is really important for me. I am excited for you to get that out in the open, hopefully it helps!