Disappointment And Bad Decisions

[Innordinate]

Really disappointed in myself.​

Had a bad night so I come on here to figure it out and feel better or whatever. Or I think I do - except that coming on here violates a rule i made for myself.​

Rule- No internet until 6pm or later.​

The reason is because then i start to rely on the net too much to solve my problems or i hide online instead of solving my problems.​

So now ......disappointed.​

And its worse because i know what to do to NOT violate the rule but , obviously im not because I can't because I want to be on here because I want to feel better. Or maybe it's that I DONT want to fix the problem which.. makes it worse even more worse.​

But then maybe the rule is faulty because I should do what makes me feel better.....​

And this is where I get stuck because:​

1) it seems ive always done shit to make me feel better and that always leads to bad.​

2) I really suck at making decisions - no, I really suck at making good decisions.​

I should be making my 8 year old cookies because I told her I would today and I'm justifying in my head that she'll understand when I don't make the cookies because when I said I would I really meant I would 'try'. But she won't understand that. I'm being self-indulgent by not making her cookies.​

And I don't want to make cookies now because I'm tired, I'm hurt and I don't want to go downstairs and have to be around my 2 younger kids and their nanny who hates me.​

• Which makes me selfish.

• Which makes me an asshole.

I'm always stuck in this circle!! :mad:​

I think I should just get rid of the rule. Another failure. And move on.​

Didn't make cookies and now seriously avoiding my daughter because I don't want to know how badly disappointed she was/is. Or worse - that she's not because she already expected I'd let her down.​

<edited by Nicolette after pasting member's edit version from re-posting following forum guidelines>​

 

[Sandra]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[atl22]

Perhaps you could change the rule to something like: no net until I accomplish a goal, such as make cookies. That's what I do with myself and it has worked (not all the time, but no one is perfect).

 

[maddog]

I'm so sorry mate,I really am. I felt the utter frustration in your message and it really resonated with me.

I'm not going to send you any platitudes either, that would make me a horrible hypocrit, given that I'm sitting here about to ring a friend of mine to lie my way out of going to visit her tonight, just because I can't face it. That's right, I'm going to make the wrong decision, which will make me feel better because it will help me to avoid the thing that is better for me but feels bad and so is somehow not good for me in that sick twisted way I can somehow justify in my mind.

Like I said, I really understand where you are with this.

I think the suggestion about changing the rule is a good one though. Or maybe, if the cookies are too much right now, you could do something else with the kids, something a little less stressful and time-consuming...

I wish I had something else to offer. It hurts, I know.

Maddog

 

[Innordinate]

Didn't make cookies and now seriously avoiding my daughter because I don't want to know how badly disappointed she was/is rr worse - that shes not because she already expected I'd let her down.

<edited by Nicolette>