Disassociating For The Last Week? Anxiety Surrounding Next T Appointment

[mytai]

Since my most recent "trauma" I feel like I haven't been fully aware of what's going on around me. My T has already said that I'm very dissociative, so I do know that about myself. But since last Thursday night I feel like I've only been "here" for brief moments. Thursday night last week I started bleeding heavily from this event and I remember emailing my T letting her know I was going to the hospital, but I don't remember going to the hospital. I know I went because there is a hospital bracelet on my nightstand. I don't remember anything about the next few days after that. I have brief moments from Sunday but the next time I remember something is Monday.

I "came to" when I was drinking champagne at work. Side note: I don't drink alcohol, especially carbonated alcohol. I choose not to drink because of health reasons, and I despise anything carbonated. Back to my story here, I was drinking champagne at work because apparently I just got a promotion after starting this job a month ago. I missed receiving my contract and the potential joy and excitement that would have come along with it. I was working so hard to get a promotion before the standard 3 month waiting period. I did it, but I missed it.

This is the next moment I feel like I'm back, I don't know what I did all day for work. Tomorrow night I have another appointment with my T and I'm feeling very anxious about it. I know I need to talk to her about this, as well as a few other things, like my inability to talk about recent and past events/traumas, but I'm so fearful of doing so. I'm scared that I will just "leave" while trying to talk about this with her, or that I will become so incredibly emotional. I feel unsafe being emotional in front of others, especially a new T. I'm scared and anxious and I just want to cry but I can't cry. I really need help, or support, or something.

 

[mytai]

Anyone?

 

[Britt.f7]

Hopefully your t will be able to keep you there. Or you could show her this, of course, since you don't know what you are doing this that would be difficult. I wish I had better advice, or some advice, to give you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I've had it happen in little bits, but nothing to the extent of what you are experiencing.

On a side note, congratulations on your promotion.

 

[Abstract]

Mytai,
I am sorry you never got any replies and very sorry you had such a recent trauma. I think dissociating to that extent seems justifiable considering what you have been dealing with.

Can you maybe send your t an email before you go to help you discuss this but keep some of the anxiety down? I do agree that it is important to discuss all this with your t. Try not to think too far ahead and just take one step at a time.

I know it unlikely to help you feel it but remember that it is Ok if you become emotional or run out. Try to do lots of grounding and self care.

 

[mytai]

@Britt.f7 and @Abstract , I actually had managed to talk to her about the extent of the dissociation at that session. That also happened to be the session I didn't dissociate in but ended up literally running away from. Tomorrows session is now the one dealing with my running away and then even more recent traumas (twice since last Wednesday's session). I have written a letter for tomorrow.

Grounding seems "easier" in my T's office. When I'm at home/work I seem to just slip in and out and not notice it. Right now my T tells me when I'm dissociating in her office and actively tells me when I need to use my grounding techniques.

 

[Abstract]

Mytai,

You are brave to have gone and it sounds like you are doing a lot of hard work here. And that despite still being IN the trauma aftermath. That has to be the first priority. You need to find a way to be safe in the now. I am very sorry to hear the trauma is ongoing.

Two things that have helped me is having a pebble in my pocket I can play with and some peppermint oil. It is very difficult when you don't know you need grounding and I have been there. Keep checking in on yourself whenever you can.

Good luck for tomorrow. Remember that you can't do therapy "wrong". Sending you much support and grounding.

 

[Rumors]

You have got this! You will be proud of yourself when you get to the other side. Hang in there!

 

[mytai]

@Abstract I am safe now, but being safe and knowing I'm safe are very different things. I don't trust it, I find it hard to believe I'm safe now.

It's funny you mention the pebble. My T actually gave me a small stone when she realized I dissociate, initially it was so that I would remember that I actually went to my appointments, but now I can use it the way you do. When I have pockets I will try carrying it around, it is definitely less obvious than my tangle.

Thanks for the support Abstract and Rumors, I appreciate it. I know right now I'm very vague with my description of my traumas, I'm trying to get the courage to write a trauma diary on here.

 

[Britt.f7]

When you are ready to write about your trauma's you would. Thankfully no one pushes you on here to do so. I have never wrote a trauma diary, but many swear by them. Maybe someday.

You have the right frame of mind for therapy today. The stone idea is great. They have what they call, I think, rubbing stones, that have a small hallow area for your thumb to rub. I think that is a wonderful grounding technique. I have a different stone with the word breathe on it that a friend gave me after my mother's death. I like opening my purse and seeing it in there.

I'm sorry to hear your trauma's are ongoing. Is it actual trauma's or flashbacks? Either way it is bad. I feel for you.

 

[mytai]

@Britt.f7 It is actual traumas that occurred last week. I haven't been effected by flashbacks recently (surprisingly), just nightmares and physical pain. I have been slipping in and out of my life all week though. I like to call it "taking a break from reality", if I didn't dissociate like I do right now I think I would be in a lot worse shape.