Hydrotroop91
Bronze Member
So therapy has been great about having me learn to be honest with me and accept/deal with emotions. I have been repressing them since I was probably about six because of my upbringing then the military taught me how to better mask them and/or use alcohol as a cure.
In doing so I have discovered my sexual orientation is not what I had believed it to be. I have always done what was expected of me or taught growing up. And never even allowed myself to even think about a female before. I was not okay with it at first a couple of months ago and also was having bad issues with my PTSD and almost took my life over it. (I am doing MUCH better, my therapists know, my friends have also been great in keeping me safe.) Now I have accepted over the last few weeks and even went on my first same sex date this weekend! I was extremely more comfortable with her than I have ever been with a male. We hit it off really well and I can't wait to see her again.
I also have been learning to stop splitting myself into separate personalities. When at church I act churchy, at school I'm in engineering mode, at base or with veterans I act my military self and at nerdy things I act nerdy. I have been able to finally start wearing all of those hats at once with my friends and they love it. I am done being what one group of people expect me to be and be myself no matter what. I also was given great advice, "What other people think about me is none of my business." I LOVE this and tend to start living this way more. It is very freeing and wonderful.
The only tough part now is I can't come out to everyone right now as it is not safe for me to do so due to the people I serve with and my family. I feel kind of split there but I also know that this does not define me a person. So it is tough but I feel like in time I will be better at knowing that is how it is and be okay with it as I become more comfortable with myself anyways. I look forward to see where I will be in the next two years and how much I will continue to grow as I learn about myself. Still struggling with emotions but I feel like I will get there eventually.
In doing so I have discovered my sexual orientation is not what I had believed it to be. I have always done what was expected of me or taught growing up. And never even allowed myself to even think about a female before. I was not okay with it at first a couple of months ago and also was having bad issues with my PTSD and almost took my life over it. (I am doing MUCH better, my therapists know, my friends have also been great in keeping me safe.) Now I have accepted over the last few weeks and even went on my first same sex date this weekend! I was extremely more comfortable with her than I have ever been with a male. We hit it off really well and I can't wait to see her again.
I also have been learning to stop splitting myself into separate personalities. When at church I act churchy, at school I'm in engineering mode, at base or with veterans I act my military self and at nerdy things I act nerdy. I have been able to finally start wearing all of those hats at once with my friends and they love it. I am done being what one group of people expect me to be and be myself no matter what. I also was given great advice, "What other people think about me is none of my business." I LOVE this and tend to start living this way more. It is very freeing and wonderful.
The only tough part now is I can't come out to everyone right now as it is not safe for me to do so due to the people I serve with and my family. I feel kind of split there but I also know that this does not define me a person. So it is tough but I feel like in time I will be better at knowing that is how it is and be okay with it as I become more comfortable with myself anyways. I look forward to see where I will be in the next two years and how much I will continue to grow as I learn about myself. Still struggling with emotions but I feel like I will get there eventually.
