Discussing Ptsd With Family Members?

[Chelsea]

When I first realized that my PTSD was interfering with every aspect of my life, because as many of us know sometimes we don't realize, I started therapy in secret. I told my husband but provided as little information as possible to him. I told my parents a couple of months after that and they had the attitude of "OK, we knew you were messed up; it's about time you did something about it." The lack of support has been really hard and even my husband doesn't get it. I can't even count or begin to imagine how many arguments we have had over PTSD and how he thinks I'm overreacting. I don't discuss it with him and the lack of support is really starting to wear on me emotionally (as if I'm not already emotionally on the edge). Any ideas of what to do?

 

[Kris1984]

I can relate Chelsea. Unfortunately I do not have much advice though. My mother is supportive because she feels bad for what she exposed me to, but I do not tell her much because there is not point in upsetting her more. My husband seems to feel the same way yours does. My husband, however, grew up in a home with 2 deaf parents. So I tend to think of his communication skills as poor to begin with. It is hard to talk to him about anything because he is not a very therapeutic communicator and does not have the best listener skills. I know he doesn't do it because he doesn't love me, I think he just doesn't know how to deal with it himself.

 

[Stormy Eagle]

My mother is in denial too. Often she says she doesn't remember many things that happened to me, or she just flat out denies them. But other times she claims that she had no control because she had "battered woman's syndrome." And to make matters so much worse, my daughter and I moved in with her 3 years ago. Once I got here I fell into such a depression that I can't get out. She is a trigger for me every day...right in my face. Living with your abuser (she was an occasional abuser and frequent accomplance) is not a good idea.

 

[ClairBear226]

My Mother I feel, could have been instrumental in protecting me over the years but didn't.

This is something newly on my radar for me, and something I have a really hard time with right now. The anger at her for doing nothing to help me makes my blood boil. I'm a parent. I can't imagine abandoning my child. It was pointed out to me today that I should consider seeing her as a victim as well. I am most definitely not there. The anger is still too strong.

My husband, my children, and 3 friends know I have PTSD. Of those, 3 people know I'm really battling with it right now. I've had no contact with my mother since about May or June (and I like it that way) and don't speak with my father. There really isn't any point in confronting either of them. There's been no evolution there that I've seen. My brother knows some things that I've dealt with, but not much. I've kept him, and the rest of my side of the family in the dark. If they were supportive people, I might consider letting them in, but with the exception of my brother and SIL, the majority would be destructive. They just aren't worth the effort or the heartbreak. I had to examine my motives when I debated who should be told and who shouldn't be, as well as what possible outcome I was going for. In the end, I told the people who I thought would be supportive and helpful, and have left the toxic people in the world out.

 

[kimberley dawn]

They just aren't worth the effort or the heartbreak. I had to examine my motives when I debated who should be told and who shouldn't be, as well as what possible outcome I was going for. In the end, I told the people who I thought would be supportive and helpful, and have left the toxic people in the world out.

That is just what I have been doing too! We were 5 children in the household, the three eldest got the fysical part and the yungest were "just" witnesses. They know I'm struggling b/c the past but they show quite clearly they don't want to know more than that. Maybe they're affraid to fall down like me instead of just drinking?
Told one of my 2 friends just one teenee weenee part of it all, my rape at the age of 12, and she gets all stressed when she sees I'm "lost in my head". Then SHE gets sick in, her bowels hurt like whatnot whithut there beeing any problem. My other friend is a Menza-member and she said flat out that if it was mental problems I had, she just wasn't qualified to help me. Gotta love people like that. honesty.
No, I tell only the ones that can give me any sort of help or assistance. That can understand. That doesn't think: that was years ago, get over it!" like many do. Mum was evil to the end except when Alltzheimer made her a little girl. That scared me more than anything. No I did not confront her, not even when we sent her to be cremated. Daed or alive, I let her be. I couldn't gain anything from her.
Dad's just a selfish shit I know doesn't give a darn. My molesters are dead or in other countries. No I found one 9 years ago and I will never search for any more. I'll talk to you here. I'll talk to another one, maybe a frien, about the little things. The rest is between me and my T.
No possible good outcome to tell anyone else. That's me feelings on this.

 

[Blondie362]

I can't imagine abandoning my child. It was pointed out to me today that I should consider seeing her as a victim as well. I am most definitely not there. The anger is still too strong.

I am with you Clair I just can't see how when you go to your Mum and say Uncle X is doing AB&C to me, any mother would say "you are obsessed that people are staring at you " .. I don't see my Mother as a victim, this man was always known as the street pervert.. he had " that dirty letchy look" especially when young girls were about.

I can't accept my Mother was a victim in this instance, her young daughter was the only victim at that point- she chose not to intervene, and chose to believe I was living in a fantasy world, and that's hard to live with.

I am a step Mum to 3 boys and beautiful grandchildren and I have always let them know no matter what it is they can talk to me about ANYTHING.- and they have over the years, I don't need to have given birth to the boys to know what being a good Mum is.

 

[ClairBear226]

It isn't something I can accept right now. I understand that times were different, and they didn't handle things the same way we do now. I get that she has all the mothering instincts of a turnip. I even understand that she was in a difficult position with the 50's "stand by your man" mentality deeply imbedded. But not only did she fail to protect me, she seemed to blaim me too. Her behavior since has said loud and clear to me that she feels no differently. She's with my father still to this day. I can think of a lot of reactions I might have if placed in the exact same position, but hers is the one that would never be an option.

Truthfully, I've found it difficult to tell even the supportive people about the fact that I'm having a hard time. It's taken me some time just to tell 3. 2 months ago, I was on here trying to find a way to tell my husband, who has never given me any reason to fear telling him at all. Maybe it's partly the nature of the beast that its hard to reach out and ask for help. Maybe it's the stigma. Can't really say, but I know it's damned difficult for me to do it.

 

[Blondie362]

Clair you have to do what is right for your recovery, sanity and health, and if that means distancing yourself from your Mum at this time, then do it- I certainley have done for the past few weeks, more so since alot of past has been brought up with my T, but I am not going to feel guilty about it.

We are all fundamentally programmed to respect and love our Mums from an early age, its not until we are older and able to process the truth and gravity of a situation from the past & present that we are able to see things weren't/aren't as normal as we thought.

There is no such such thing as a perfect human being, being a parent doesn't come with a manual, while many of us think that parents/family members are unaware of the pain we have been through, that's probably not true- they are more than aware of of our pain, but acknowledging that to us also mean they have to accept their own defects , and many aren't willing to do that, its easier in their eyes for us to carry the burden, than accept they played any part in how we are in the here and now.

 

[punch]

I don't think there is any point of discussing these issues with family members that don't share the same effect as you. My sisters seem to be happy with their lives and ill leave them with this. If the understood what you went through then it would just be worse, right? Just understand some people feel more and take that out for the group as a whole. I don't want my sisters to know how I suffer, I'd prefer they might be in that group that understands how shitty it feels but whatever you are not suffering.