Discussing Ptsd With My Dad

[ms spock]

You wouldn't want to have a conversation with your father until you had worked through your issues with an appropriate mental health professional. Or you might not want to bring it up with your father, that is your choice. But at the same time it is not up to you to take the blame and process the guilt though some type of abuser relieving of all responsibility of forgiveness process.

 

[HelenB]

I just wanted to add that I do agree with what @Ms Spock has said about how important it is to not be in denial about the abuse which happened. I do not believe that forgiveness is about minimising the things which happened, but that it is about really acknowledging them and allowing yourself to work through them and that as you are able to do this that forgiveness is a process, and that full forgiveness cannot come if you are not able to acknowledge the full impacts of the abuse, because if is being minimised I do not believe we can let go of the real deep impacts of it.

I still fully believe that forgiveness is for ourselves. It does not in any way mean the abuser should not be held to account in any way and I do not believe it is healthy to just sweep things under the carpet and for consequences of the abuse to be denied or minimised in any way. It is not ever a case of forgive and forget, but really taking hold of the reality, allowing ourselves to feel all the emotions, hurt and pain but coming to a place of release so that they do not have to continually eat us up on the inside on top of everything going on.

I do not know what place your dad is in now after so many years and do not know what his reactions to any confrontation would be, but again feel that whatever the reality of that is the most important thing is how you are in yourself about it. The things which happened were not in any way acceptable, and even if you can be healed, and even if you choose to forgive, the pain of everything which happened does deserve so much to be validated and I hope you really are able to work through all these things as you work through on your journey.

God bless
Helen

 

[cherryblossom]

PTSD IS curable though, in a certain sense. It never fully disappears, but it can go away enough that the remaining symptoms would not be classified as PTSD iby the diagnostic definition of PTSD.

Sorry @Loner , but I disagree. PTSD isn't 'cured'. We learn how to manage it. And yes, symptoms may go into remission, if we are able to keep on top of the management, but it never goes away completely. I know you have said much the same yourself

Basically it will always be there to some extent, but it can go away enough that it is hardly there.

Maybe it's just a difference of opinion as to what 'cured' means. To me it 'cured' means completely resolved. It makes no sense to me that something could be 'cured, in a certain sense. Either it's cured or it's not. It takes a heck of a lot of effort on a daily basis for me to 'manage' my PTSD, and remain symptom free.

As I've recently discovered, it is never cured. In my case a new very stressful situation recently has re-surfaced all my old PTSD symptoms, despite being pretty much symptom free for a couple of years. Whether my latest situation would be enough to cause PTSD on it's own is unlikely. I don't feel I was ever cured from PTSD. If I had been cured, I wouldn't be having symptoms now.

 

[Powder]

Chronic (1 yr+) PTSD causes permanent brain and epigenetic changes in immune funtion. Therefore, the genes and physical body are forever altered. One may feel cured in denial.

This family situation is too familiar: sounds to me like some with PTSD spread the epicenter of disorder to the whole family in order to make PTSD feel "normal." This is denial in action. If everyone has PTSD, then to what extent does it even exist as a disorder?

I hope this makes sense. I have a hard time typing with only one hand; napping kiddo on one arm. :)

 

[atthree]

You know what seemed to make thing worse for me, someone would so wrong me, when what I did couldn't be helped (not remembering or saying something I shouldn't have) I've been very forgiving of late, but I used to be a Holey Terror when things went wrong.

I remember now posting this why my mother left. It was about a Christmas tree a neighbor gave us. It was the old tin foil tree with a rotary 4 color lens light. Dad said something I wasn't to repeat to the neighbor (negative), but I did. On the way home Dad asked witch one of us kids told the neighbor what he said about the tree. I swear to you I did not remember I was the one that said.

We got home and dad spanked us until one of us confessed. My brother finally broke down and said he did. The next day we asked the neighbor which one of us said that and she said it was me.

Mom couldn't handle that mistake and it was another reason I have zero tolerance for "Don't get mad, get even"

I can see why a Father would be hesitant on calling back.

PS:Another reason to go reflect on forgiving myself :( again )

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks everyone. Truly, your support means the world to me. I did not realize my feelings about this until this thread. I will bring it up with my new T.

My old T thought my father to be a dangerous man. She actually said that. I told her about some weird stuff he has done over the past five years. I already have distanced myself a lot from him. My gut knows.

To answer your question @Muse , yes, I do regret finding him, but I love his new family even though they barely reach out to me. I have no idea if he has told them something about me that is not true. I suspect it but I also realize they have probably been hurt by him too and they are responding from that hurt by their lack of response.

My husband has said he believes it seems like my father has some kind of chip on his shoulder regarding me....he also thinks that I make my father feel threatened because he parades around as a model christian....my memories of him could shatter his image...The hubbs is really protective of me.

I wish I could cut him off and never talk to him again. When I distance from him, he texts me to tell me how beautiful I am and that he misses me. So I respond and PA behavior continues. He is very covert and calculated. It is difficult because that type of behavior is highly triggering for me from my 2008-2011 trauma so it is hard to figure out what is what when it is happening.

 

[Pencil]

@EvenStrongerNow: When I said I hoped the emoticon showed you beating your father's head against a wall, it was shorthand for 'I hope the emoticon .... and not your own'. I obviously have no idea how your father said what he said, but from your post I gathered he was smug (irrespective of what had cured him), and it is the smugness that is terribly invalidating of his impact on your life, and not simply the impact of that one statement. Bottom line: don't bang your OWN head against a wall for others' shortcomings.

 

[ms spock]

My old T thought my father to be a dangerous man. She actually said that. I told her about some weird stuff he has done over the past five years. I already have distanced myself a lot from him. My gut knows.

Listen to your gut.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I did not expect my old T to say that at all. I just told her a few things that he has done nowadays where I felt really triggered. I also told her about things he has said while I was in my 2008-2011 trauma as well as that stuff I told you all about in childhood. And at the end of our session, she said it. I will come back later and write about it. I think it's good for me to share with others.