ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

So I have not yet worked out how to manage a social eating situation in a restaurant. But we did share four small dishes, and she bought two desserts, and I had a taste of both but said I wouldn't eat it or take it home as I am trying to lose weight. For her at the 59 kilo mark with a mysterious illness, well she needs to put on weight as often as possible. So she took it home, and that was good. We had a nice time. Instead of eating to numb feelings I ate slowly and mostly mindfully, and listened so that was good. I did okay. I ate reasonably.

It is so easy to over eat in our culture. I can see how now people are habituated to over eat and over consume. My disordered eating come from a traumatic and abusive childhood. I can see how, people get habituated to over eat with the way food is pushed around. So I am being more mindful of this.

My idea of a portion is about 3-4 times what a regulate portion would be for someone without disordered eating or over eating issue. So it is a shock to find that, and now to habituate myself to eating a lot less. This will take time and practice and I can do this.

So my improvements today include:

not overeating
not numbing my feelings
not eating to please someone else
not eating unconsciously
not eating the dessert, except for a bite for a taste
not eating my feelings
being more aware of my eating styles
being more aware of portion size
recording in Weight Watchers how much I am eating to see a realistic picture of my food consumption

being kind and patient with myself over the whole process.

I planned ahead. My friend cannot eat rice so I didn't order any rice and I stayed more with salads. I ordered a smaller amount of food. I ate more slowly.

I didn't eat too big of a breakfast. I didn't eat too little of a breakfast either. I went for the middle ground.

And I did not come home and eat to numb my social shame, so that was not an intentional thing just something that happened by the by.

 

[ms spock]

Okay I had eaten all my points by lunch yesterday. I knew I was not hungry at dinner time. I could have still have had a bowl of vegetables but I really wasn't that hungry. I cooked some pasta for B, and then I had not one but two bowls of pasta, chicken, and cheese. It was habituated eating. It was comfort eating. I was extremely anxious last night. I was in a state. I spoke to my psychiatrist, and I had a big emotional reaction to that session. So I was in a state. I am tapering off medication as well. But I could see how I just automatically went into overeating. I ate triple points yesterday. I also comfort ate in bed - a cup of cherries.

It will be useful when I can sit with the feelings brought up by food.

 

[ms spock]

I went to a Weight Watchers meeting this morning, and it was interesting. The whole portion size thing is really huge for me. I know it was probably mentioned many times to me, but when you are so emotionally disregulated from your PTSD, complex trauma etc it is hard to hold on to the basic things.

I have done some comfort eating today - some tahini and yoghurt, but not so badly as I used to I am actually making some progress here.

So my waste size is 30cm above what is healthy for my height, but that is okay. I am noticing more now, and gradually I will get on top of this.

I need to develop some serious self soothing strategies.

I have Weight Watchers inspiration - I could actually move out of obesity in 2018. It is actually doable. I am really struggling within myself as this is all a big shift for me.

 

[ms spock]

So last night went down the toilet because I cooked too much? Or I served up too much? I also made the fatal mistake of eating in front of the television, it never works so why do I do it? I was avoiding intimacy with my partner last night.

Despite last night not being the best, and I have to expect this as I am working on a forty plus year disordered eating pattern, I have actually been managing my eating a whole lot better. I have actually lost a few kilos and as I am monitoring food intake I can see my patterns, or I am beginning to see my eating patterns. It is confronting but really good.

I will actually be able to get on top of my obesity issues in the next three to five years. I am also needing to up my self care and self soothing skills in order to manage my eating, but it is doable. Like it will be up and down for awhile but actually I can make a total difference to my life this year. I can manage this. I can do it. Or not as the case maybe and it doesn't matter. Awareness is the key.

 

[ms spock]

So I went to another Weight Watchers meeting, and there were some good tips for me. This is doable. It is really doable. I can do this. It will take some time and persistence. I need to manage evenings better but at least I am more aware of my patterns.

 

[ms spock]

So overall this hasn't gone so well today. I can see where I can make adjustments though, and I can see my patterns more, and I can also see it is partially doable for me, which I hadn't had felt like I had a snowflakes chance in hell before now.

 

[ms spock]

So still things are not going so well, but also not so bad as they were, by a long shot. Documenting my food consumption is interesting because it makes me much more aware.

 

[ms spock]

I went way, way, way, way over my Weight Watchers points yesterday by several times over. So I need to not cook high points food, and I need to speak up more than I did yesterday because I went back to eating my feelings. I am going to have to be honest, and I have to stand my ground. I am going to have to speak up.

 

[ninja]

It is such a challenge @Disco Dancing Queen
I’ve struggled a little more recently myself. I try to remind myself often to eat when I am hungry. It can be really challenging to be aware of that feeling sometimes for me. I try to remind myself before I eat more, do I need this? Will it make me feel worse later on?
Support to you. Glad to hear you are doing what you need and experiencing some progress. Congratulations. :)

 

[ms spock]

It is such a challenge @Disco Dancing Queen

Hell yes! I am having a bit of an avoidant dissociated day. I am doing okay with my eating. I am learning a lot about my eating.

I’ve struggled a little more recently myself.

Sending good wishes your way.

I try to remind myself often to eat when I am hungry. It can be really challenging to be aware of that feeling sometimes for me.

Yes I think I am wanting to comfort eat or binge eat, as I distrust myself so much, then I realise it is lunchtime and it is okay to eat. It is so not easy, fun or anything along those lines.

I try to remind myself before I eat more, do I need this?

That is a great question. I am not quite there yet, but much improved. I ate within my Weight Watchers points today, so the night time is my biggest challenge and I will see how I go tonight.

Though to be honest, I did not eat the banana bread because I knew it would put me over my Weight Watchers points, and so I did make a good decision there today.

Will it make me feel worse later on?

Another good question. I could ask myself that about a whole range of activities.

Support to you.

Right back at you.

Glad to hear you are doing what you need and experiencing some progress. Congratulations. :)

Thanks I am much more here, and it is not easy but I am doing it. I feel so excruciatingly vulnerable and I really don't like it. I want to lash out, argue, run away, hide, and disappear. I am finding it really hard to be here today. I am avoidant today.

 

[ms spock]

So after a tough day struggling I left and went to the library. Then I went grocery shopping and bought fruits and vegetables, and some meats for my partner.

Finding it hard overall but I am doing it. I am sticking with it.

Eating better means I feel fuller, and I don't feel the need to snack as much.

 

[ms spock]

So I didn't go over the weight watchers points today, so that was good. I made a chicken salad for dinner, which my partner enjoyed. I did okay today. There will be ups and downs, today I did well. I am learning so much.

It does seem doable which it never has before. I am getting this.

I had a sense of having had enough. I realised I had eaten enough, and with that awareness I stopped eating, and put the salad in the fridge for breakfast tomorrow morning. It would have been amazing to grow up in a house where you learnt how much food was enough. Where you felt safe enough to feel your body, and be able to feel how much was enough, rather than eating to smother down the fear.