ED Disordered eating

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm not really worried about the title. In terms of borderline I already have it and have for a long time. I was wondering more about how the behavior of hiding food eating in secret and shame when eating tie into restricting food which is something I tend to do.

 

[ninja]

@BlackbirdSinging Gosh there is so much to what you say. Firstly though, I do not think hiding food and restricting are all that uncommon to experience together. Has the hiding and shame grown larger with time?
The body will do some crazy things out of hunger, I am wondering if you are following your body’s hunger cues? If there aren’t many things you can eat or do eat, but there are some safe foods I do not think it is strange to feel protective of those foods.
I felt immense shame any time I ate and it just grew every time I did eat, and this was not helped by being in a family system and societal culture where not eating is somewhat praised. Do you have a history of being judged and/or shamed by what you are choosing to eat by other family members? If so, maybe this is a piece of what fuels the desire to hide at certain times when you are eating and particular foods.

Why wouldn't you get upset? Someone I know freaked out at her mother because she used a teaspoon of olive oil to brown some chicken in that she wasn't expecting. She went off about how her mom was trying to sabotage her. Honestly, I think that was partly because she was not eating enough and so her body was already hyper-alert. In your situation perhaps it is a fine line about whether you will actually let yourself have the frozen treat to begin with or continue buying it so it may not be available to you later on, so it is one less there? There are many possibilities and the above is just speculation. Please disregard if off base. Take excellent care and I send kindness. I hope that you can feel a little less shame. :hug:

 

[ninja]

I'm concerned I was not clear about the example I gave of my friend. I brought it up, and the bit about her freaking out in part we think because she was not eating enough, as an example that our bodies and minds can get super panicky and edgy when not fed properly.

 

[ms spock]

I did okay today, and tonight.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I was thinking about your post and your questions @NinjaWolf. Over the years the shame seems to have gotten worse. It's like it's a mix of paranoia about eating too much shame about eating or people seeing me eat. Especially if it's junk food or snack food. don't really remember hiding food when I was younger or even earlier in my adult life though. It seems like the older I get the more rules I have for myself about eating. But, I've always been aware of what I've eaten how much and when.

I don't really follow my body's hunger cues. I'll be hungry and I might even want to eat food but, I'll go hours without eating. I skip at least one meal everyday. And then at dinner with the family 99% of the time I won't eat everything on my plate. It's shame and then embarrassment and even guilt almost every time I eat.

Others shaming me over what I eat? Sometimes people will remark about something I'm eating and I get really self conscious. There are people who have weight issues in the family who have this habit of pointing out that they'e eating the low fat version and it's therefore better. My dad has made remarks about being aware that I throw away half of the food on my plate at dinner. Or how if I don't throw it away I'll wrap it up for later and never eat it.

It probably doesn't help that I have food allergies and I have to eliminate large groups of food from my diet to avoid the things I'm allergic to. So, when I do go to the store and buy things for myself that are safe for me to eat I do get pissed if someone eats it. I feel like they can eat everything in the house but, I have quite a few limitations.

The other thing is I remember being a kid and one of my brothers who is a big eater eating big quantities of food and me going for it and it being gone. But, even when he's not around I have such shame and embarrassment about buying certain foods that I literally try to buy it when everyone is out for the day and won't see me come home with it. And I have to add that my frozen things that I like it has a dual meaning or even a triple meaning to me. On the one hand I enjoy it at the end of the day like some do a glass of wine. But, then I have all these rule in my head about eating it when no one can see me. And the whole food allergy thing. It' something that's safe for me to eat in the way of my food allergies.

But, how angry I got last night made me really wonder what that was about. It was one of those moments when you react and go oh wow where did that come from? I've been wondering too how hiding food and restricting food ends up working together. And why in the world have I recently started hiding it?

 

[ninja]

@BlackbirdSinging Would you be against consciously promising yourself that you will do your best not to feel shame or guilt over buying or eating your frozen treat, and that you will continue to buy it if you want it? I think in some ways eating challenges can creep up and slowly become a little more controlling (i.e. more rules, less food, more guilt and shame and anger) with time. They can become super inflexible and sometimes nonsensical. At the end of the day your body needs to eat enough food and if there is a way to get your mind on board with eating, then it will go with it. It is in a bit of a crisis mode (panicked and reactive) often otherwise.

Perhaps you can think about what might happen if you didn't hide food? What does that bring up, and perhaps in there somewhere you can get a lead as to the unique relationship hiding and restricting has for you.

I agree with @Disco Dancing Queen, food issues are highly individual and self-compassion is really a great assist in working through them to regain some flexibility. I think it is really important you know that you do not have to listen to the critical voice over your own needs. It can be awful to go against it, but very worth it I have found. I've also found there are some big feelings that I was not able to feel when I was not eating properly, and so while it has been unequivocally worth it to go through feeling them, it was hard. I say this only because, feelings (..both related and unrelated food/body fears) can come fast to the forefront if the eating troubles are fought against and sometimes that is so scary the automatic response is to go back to the eating stuff. So it's really important you have support and things that work for you to feel grounded and safe. Take really good care. Sending hugs and respect. :)

 

[ninja]

Self-compassion is a great assist in working through them, however they manifest.** Whether that means becoming more flexible or finding a little more healthy order or something else entirely.

 

[ms spock]

20% of what we eat is used by our brains to function, if you are not having protein in the mornings then your brain is stressed and behind the 8 ball from the beginning of the day. If you are skipping a meal a day then your body is trying to do some serious catch up.

I totally understand why you would hide food, @BlackbirdSinging you have have to hide your needs and kind of hustle for your needs to be met. If you needs are being judged and commented on as somehow wrong and bad, then of course you try to sneak in meeting your needs any way that you can. It makes sense to me, as someone who was always trying to somehow get my needs met. This is why I learnt to lie so much as a child, along with the threats of what would happen if I told the truth about what is happening at home.

 

[ms spock]

A couple of slices of toast with honey for comfort for fear of rape feelings last night. (also 1 kit kat)

I ordered a rather large entree last night, it did have quite a bit of bread with it. It was tasty. Next time I will get more of a salad. The entree had too much bread, which I don't need to be eating, but that is okay. It is what it is, however I express my needs of wanting validation and care, and some TLC is okay, as I get better with my Self Compassion and Self Care I will rely on my food for emotional management less, if I have a bad patch it is not the end of the world, it is a bad patch.

 

[ms spock]

Gosh I have done a lot of things to get to a place of emotional regulation and distress tolerance, still very wobbly indeed, much improved from what I was.

 

[ms spock]

Xmas Party I ate moderately. I did okay.

 

[ms spock]

So last night I ate some rocklea road, and I didn't enjoy it. I think I had promised myself a scone jam and cream, and I let myself down by not giving it to myself, but I was also trying to delay. So I didn't get it right. That is okay. Mistakes are to be expected.