ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I went to have a scone jam and cream and they had run out for the day. Then I realised that I had not actually had lunch and that was why I felt hungry. So slowly making steps in the right direction.

 

[ninja]

Funny I had toast jam and cream for the first time today, and it was totally tasty. I hope you were able to find something delicious. :)

 

[ms spock]

I had a couple of cheese naans for dinner with raita. I will have a scone, with jam and cream, tomorrow.

 

[ms spock]

Comfort eating last night. I am wanting to radically accept my eating and weight.

I ate dinner in front of the TV last night, that doesn't work for me. I don't notice what I am eating. So it is I overeat or I don't feel that I have eaten. I over ate last night.

Still sleeping on the red couch.

 

[ms spock]

So I am obese, and Radical Acceptance is where I heading today.

Also for me body work is important 3 x 1 hour walking with my awesome walking group this week
1 hour Pilates

Mindful movement http://www.dandbpublishing.com/perch/resources/semi-supine-chapt-1.mp3
Tuesday - The Alexander Techique lesson - got to be in my body.
Wednesday - 2
Thursday - 2
Friday - 3
Saturday - 2 so far today

I took up a musical instrument in order to have something else to do other than eating. It does help. I forget sometimes. It is a strategy that is working for me though.

Back to those Self Compassion Breaks.

I have to not lie to myself - I have to give myself the promised thing or I will binge eat out of desparation and deprivation.

 

[ms spock]

I ate some breakfast. Later then usual but that is okay. After a lot of errands, so that was good.

Mindful instrument playing (distraction) 2 x semi supines - body work

I had a scone, with jam and cream, and I ate it as mindfully as I could.

Mindful instrument playing (distraction) 2 x semi supines - body work

Trying to be here more. Not easy. But doable.

 

[ms spock]

I did some afternoon snacking, and didn't really need dinner tonight, now I feel uncomfortably full.

 

[ms spock]

Last night I felt pain from being uncomfortably full which is a major achievement for me, as I often don't feel my body. But it wasn't much chop though. Still can't get from the red couch to the bedroom. This is all to be expected as these are long standing maladaptive coping mechanisms.
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It is really, really, really hard to be here in this now. The maladaptive daydreaming has come down a few notches. I am a bit more here. My neediness and desparation come out I did a pre emptive eating of a food item to manage my uncomfortability in taking about L's suicide. Then I made a mango smoothie to soothe myself. I just need to ground and be here more, and feel those goddamned feelings.
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I forgot to have lunch. But I did not really need it because of my comfort eating. Doing much better overall though.

 

[ninja]

I am learning from the self-compassion you are showing to yourself and the patience you have with you through this process. You are doing this.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @NinjaWolf I am finding it hard and challenging. Sometimes it is frustrating and lonely.

I wanted to binge eat hot chips and fish tonight, but I delayed, and that was an achievement. I told B what was upsetting me. I have to let go of J, M & what is happening with PTW. There is nothing that I can do.

Mandolin Orange - Boots of Spanish Leather (Bob Dylan Cover) - Audiotree Live

I set the bed up for tonight. B will be with me so hopefully I can manage not to sleep on the red couch.

 

[ms spock]

So I didn't comfort eat before bed, and it was a real struggle not to do that.

I slept in the bed. So that was good. I had a bath, and read a book, the feelings of terror and fear were not the best experience, but better than eating my feelings. '

Felt tired when I woke up, and I got up and went walking from 5.30am until 6.30am nevertheless.

 

[ms spock]

So all I want to do is binge eat. That is all I want to do. I had a bowl of porridge, and one rissole, (because protein is important in the morning), and now all I want to do is eat my feelings away.

So distracted myself - maladaptive daydreaming - ruminations - but I also did three x 5 minute strumming practising. Now some constructive rest/semi supine, and then I need to get out of the house or set myself a task and push myself through doing it.