ED Disordered eating

[deeplyloved]

I have a really unhealthy relationship with food. There was a time when I used food in the same way I used to use alcohol. It’s all about numbing. I also don’t respond well to restriction and deprivation. I have to be so gentle and compassionate with myself about what I eat. It’s a big piece of reparenting myself. I grew up poor and my mom was obsessed with being skinny. She talked constantly about other people’s bodies and what they ate, as well as about what she did and did not eat and in what portions. Any talk about portion control or calories triggers intense shame in me. I feel fat no matter what size clothes I wear.

But it’s getting much better. I had to learn to find what uniquely works for me, just like you are so bravely doing. Our bodies are all different, as well as the different ways we are motivated.

Here’s what works for me and made me lose 85 pounds in about a year. I don’t have any motive or drive for it to also work for you. Sometimes it just helps to get ideas. I don’t count calories and I don’t eat anything nonfat. The only thing I try to be mindful of is sugar. I cook everything in real butter. I eat avocados with sea salt. I put cream in my coffee. I eat only full fat yogurt. When I crave something sweet, I first drink a glass of water, then have either coffee or tea and then I eat something with either a lot of protein or a lot of fat. Usually that ends my craving for something sweet. But sometimes not. So then I eat that sweet treat and thoroughly enjoy it! For anxiety eating, I love chopped celery with spinach dip. I also chew a lot of gum when I feel anxious.

I drink far too much coffee but there are worse vices. When I get too anxious or too worried about food, I start to hate eating and then I either skip it or binge it. Sometimes it becomes a thing to control when I feel out of control. I try to think of cooking as a positive way of mothering and nurturing myself. I’m middle aged and have some chronic health issues. It took me a long time to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t. I hope you can be gentle and compassionate with yourself while you figure out what works for you.

 

[ms spock]

II've had to slowly learn to give up planning and to really work at my relationship with my body, with my feelings so that I can eliminate the cravings and anxiety by getting all of the pieces of me on board, so that none of me feels restricted, restrained or afraid.

That is what I am actually trying to do not have parts of me that feel restricted, restrained or afraid. You explain it so well. I know that doing that to my self really seriously backfires on me. That is so well explained.

 

[ms spock]

So forgot to have breakfast, caring for my partner, stopped to get a museli bar, and two different brands of peppermint cacao balls. Next time I might just skip the meal, (the museli bar wasn't much chop) but I don't want that to be a habit. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day - bircher and protein for me might work.) Ate the museli bar but threw out the balls, they were not to my taste. Had a savoury roll for lunch, and it was bland.

So got to get a little bit more organised, but the day was good, I did two very challenging things today, and I did it without binging before and afterwards, so progress. I have been thinking about making these changes for a couple of years so slowly I am getting there.

 

[ms spock]

This has only begun to happen as I start to believe and have desire to treat my body with great respect. I had to learn that I deserve respect, that my body deserves respect, & did deserve respect but was not always given it. Take the best care.

I am moving towards this.

 

[ms spock]

I have a really unhealthy relationship with food. There was a time when I used food in the same way I used to use alcohol. It’s all about numbing.

Yeah numbing and trying to be in control when feeling out of control.

I also don’t respond well to restriction and deprivation. I have to be so gentle and compassionate with myself about what I eat. It’s a big piece of reparenting myself.

REstriction and deprivation just trigger me to go overboard, and then I put on 5 kilos, not my path.

But it’s getting much better. I had to learn to find what uniquely works for me, just like you are so bravely doing. Our bodies are all different, as well as the different ways we are motivated.

Each person has to work out their own unique way of working.

Here’s what works for me and made me lose 85 pounds in about a year. I don’t have any motive or drive for it to also work for you. Sometimes it just helps to get ideas. I don’t count calories and I don’t eat anything nonfat. The only thing I try to be mindful of is sugar. I cook everything in real butter. I eat avocados with sea salt. I put cream in my coffee. I eat only full fat yogurt. When I crave something sweet, I first drink a glass of water, then have either coffee or tea and then I eat something with either a lot of protein or a lot of fat. Usually that ends my craving for something sweet. But sometimes not. So then I eat that sweet treat and thoroughly enjoy it! For anxiety eating, I love chopped celery with spinach dip. I also chew a lot of gum when I feel anxious.

Once when I let myself have a sweet treat, I really mindfully ate it, and well it was enough. I felt satisfied.

Sometimes it becomes a thing to control when I feel out of control.

Yeah I relate to that.

I try to think of cooking as a positive way of mothering and nurturing myself.

That is a great attitude.

It took me a long time to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t. I hope you can be gentle and compassionate with yourself while you figure out what works for you.

Me too, I have been working it out for a very long time.

 

[ms spock]

Cooked an omelette for dinner. Had meds at 6pm. They are now starting to kick in.Will give it a go.

 

[ms spock]

Managing eating much better at this moment. This will fluctuate, and that is to be expected. It is going to be a day by day thing. That is how it is. It is what it is.

So yesterday I did okay with breakfast and lunch, (they weren't particularly healthy, but they weren't vast amounts of food,) okayish with dinner. A serving and a half.

I took my meds at 6pm - asleep by 8pmish.

I managed to only to have 1.5 or 2 serves for dinner - doing really well. And the night eating was two slices of bread and butter. Given the massive binge eating that used to happen to manage my fear of rape at night time that is massive progress, but it has taken a couple of years to get to this point, and I was slacking off it just had to be so slow, it has to be so slow or I flip out and the self hatred kicks in the corrosive self doubt overwhelms, and I go into massive dissociation. I can't afford to trigger myself so much it takes me a couple of years to come back.

I slept on the red couch. My sleep has bottomed out again, but it comes in cycles. I was not in a food coma yesterday. Massive improvement. This will fluctuate, and that is to be expected. It is going to be a day by day thing for most of the rest of my life. I can have a moment of gratitude now that I am alive, though a lot of me has the feeling that really I shouldn't have run away from home to save everyone's lives, it would have been best to stay and let my Father kill us all. The pain would have ended. The pain doesn't end, and it is what it is, and that is said. The loneliness for my sisters and brothers will always be there, being with that means I can stop the binge eating. It is sad. It is sad. That is how it is. It is what it is. So yes I wish I had stayed, and then I would never have known the pain, that my Mother threatened me with - she said she would make sure my sisters and brothers would grow up like strangers to me, and before one of my sisters weddings she mocked me on and off for a day that I wasn't part of the bridal party - it was almost like I was like strangers, that is a level of maliciousness that is so painful to deal with.

So managing my eating will fluctuate, and that is to be expected. It is going to be a day by day thing. That is how it is. It is what it is. It is a daily thing for me.

This is only what works for me, I know everyone has to find their own individual way.

 

[ms spock]

If I didn't have a growing sense of Self Compassion I could not even attempt to do this work on my eating.

So the Self Compassion Break is important for me:

Some people find that when they practice self-compassion, their pain actually increases at first. We call this phenomena backdraft, a firefighting term that describes what happens when a door in a burning house is opened – oxygen goes in and flames rush out. A similar process can occur when we open the door of our hearts – love goes in and old pain comes out.
(Kristin Neff, 2017, Tips for practice - Self-Compassion)

and it took a long time to be able to do that. The three steps of the Self Compassion Break are something I often do, some days I forget, but I keep at it, bit by bit.

This is only what works for me, I know everyone has to find their own individual way.

 

[ms spock]

Breakfast - protein in the form of one sausage, and a slice of bread with avocado, and cucumber on it. I am doing okay in the mornings, and lunch, and much better with the evenings. It will fluctuate and change from hour to hour - day to day. It will always be changing. I can't just do food, and leave it, it is a constant negotiation.

Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. In other words, even though the friendly, supportive stance of self-compassion is aimed at the alleviation of suffering, we can’t always control the way things are. If we use self-compassion practice to try to make our pain go away by suppressing it or fighting against it, things will likely just get worse. With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I have a borderline eating disorder. What I think and feel doesn't always make sense to me. Like now. I'm struggling with some of the thoughts and feelings. Some of the thoughts are conflicting. I've been typing and backspacing this post for at least a half hour. I can't quite put it to words. I just know I'm struggling with some thoughts and feelings right now.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I think I figured out how to ask this. What about having a borderline eating disorder leaning towards anorexia and yet I hide food and eat certain things alone? I'm not binging. Just things I feel are indulgences. I don't like when people see me eat anything other than a meal unless everyone is having a snack. It makes me feel shame and embarrassed and very self conscious.

I have a frozen treat I like a lot. And I buy it and since it's frozen I have to keep it in the freezer in the kitchen. Sometimes I try to hide it. I don't want anyone to see I bought it again and I get upset if anyone else eats it.

Tonight someone in the house took one of my frozen things. I got really upset. I could feel my face get hot. I literally snapped at this person. I'm not binging. I do have food allergies which probably doesn't help since it means I have to be careful about what I eat for a whole different reason. But, why do I get upset like that? Why am I feeling like this? It makes me feel even more shame and guilt and embarrassment about food eating and my body.

 

[ms spock]

Food can come to mean different things for different people. I wouldn't get so hung up on getting a label, though that is part of the sorting out phase.

Food tasting was the one way I could experience life without being abused. I could have my own taste sensation, and that was pretty much it after the inappropriate.

Food was my comfort. Food was my friend. Food was my reward. Food was my family. Food was my main form of nurturance. I could stuff so many feelings of abject terror down with food.

If I knew I was going to be raped or abused. I could stuff down a lot of food so I could get through.

I could control food, which I couldn't control anything else in my incredibly abusive

Could it be you know that you have suffered some pretty severe deprivation as a younger person?

Have you suffered a lot of abandonment?

I am not sure if it is you, I think it is, but aren't you living with your completely inappropriate Mother?

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) - I don't fit neatly into any box either bulimia or anorexia, but my eating is terribly disordered at times.

Just my take on things, if not useful, please ignore.

I feel immense shame. I feel corrosive self doubt. I so relate to what you are writing about. I don't know if what I say has any relevance, and it may well not, and that is okay, it is a very individual journey.