I was always so hard on myself, starting with childhood ED etc. Constantly berated as a child and it left terrible mental scars re my appearance.
As an adult I started hiking for the first time. Like really hiking. Then I learned to ride a bike and even Yoga! I adore it now and do it in the privacy of my home or in a spare room at the local community center. Turned out to be a great way to calm anxiety and ptsd storms.
I was so amazed I could do these things and then I got better at it. At some point I remember being proud of myself...PROUD. What a thing! (for me:)My body took me up that hill and I was just so happy. Years have passed and now I creak and crunch but I'm still going strong.
Finding the "purpose" of my body was magical. Silly to anyone but me. There I was with my cellulite, spider veins, and countless other flaws LOL and I felt like the proud parent of something "new". Something it took me so long time to discover.
The feeling hasn't changed...I am grateful my body survived my last round of stress and I acknowledge the toll it did take which gives me pause, then kind consideration. My body has always done the best it can and allowed me to do many wonderful things. Today "we" are good friends.
I wonder if you could take the focus off of what you see and give it a "purpose" in some way. Stretching, a routine walk. Forget food just use your body as it was meant to be used. Learn to stand tall...the trick is not to pull your shoulders back....feel the back of the tippy top of your head and when you walk feel the length in your neck and let it lift. Your posture falls just right. Walk around the block and do this you will be surprised how good it feels. Look a bit UP when you walk, just tilt your chin a bit.
Lay on your back and see how you breathe....upper chest or does your tummy rise and fall. It is amazing to take time and pay attention. I do think the body is a miracle and miraculous in its potential.
Honestly I mean this not as a "pitch" but finding peace with my body, I have my moments.... but after so much angst my weight concerns settled as did my view of it.
Older now I actually smile at the changes and still so happy I can still do so much and actually am fit for my age. Grey hair has joined the cellulite but its all good. All welcome.
I wish you contentment, you can find it I am sure.
It's really f*cking shit @ninja, and it's not like I have not worked hard or not put the time in. This is the f*ck where I am. I am not happy about it. But it's also not the worst. I have improved in my teaching so much, even when I was being intimidated and stalked by psycho crazy woman during my programme without any notice whatsoever I did really well with the kids. I didn't have a public meltdown at all.
I also put some serious boundaries in place and made sure that the ambush 2 was seen for what it was so space was made. I didn't answer the calls as they came in. I am stepping back. They know that I am not happy.
I also stood my ground and didn't lose it which was very good.
I also documented what was going on really well. I finally quit that job.
Stuff got difficult in one arena and I stepped back and didn't have a public meltdown. So that was good. I felt hurt but I didn't blab and make the situation worse than it was.
I have also managed some difficult situations.
It's really hard though. I am struggling. I am really struggling. But I am doing better overall.
It is really fking shit @ms spock! So much so!! The feelings of sliding backwards can be so strong.
I hear you being kinder with yourself, especially as you are managing a lot of difficult and stressful situations in your life. Sometimes I think healing/ed recovery/trauma recovery feels like a game of whack-a-mole because as soon as there are improvements in one area it seems like other areas falter. Which is annoying as all fk. It’s messy..
I can't resist the temptation to beat myself up more as it was how I kept myself safe as a child. So I eat to not feel that at the moment. And so I am eating. It's all a bit ordinary.
I am not inflicting my emotional pain on little people or any people.
I am very sensitive to invalidation and hurt. That's who I am at this time. I may grow and change but right now. This is me and I am not too good but I am also not too bad even though that doesn't feel like reality. Feelings aren't facts.
Emptying out cabinets prior to moving. Not really caring about eating for any reason right now now or even finding comfort in old standbys. There seems to be no comfort right now in using food - my mind is too full.
You know, I have a lot anger around this red, hot mess of disordered eating! When I get resituated, it's time to drill down on and remove it from my life. It doesn't help a dang thing, it just destroys my body, mind and spirit. I've never had a "bonified" ED therapist help me with this. One said she was and she was the worst! The sad thing is that I'm not really surprised. The most helpful person I've had in this arena was my GP when she used to say to me.... "Can you, maybe, add 100 calories...." Girl knew nothing about nutrition and told me so, she was just supportive. She'd look at my food log and make her suggestion..... No judgment. I tried two of the "best" nutritionists here in the area as well. Really? I lost 20 pounds with one of them and she didn't even notice because she was too busy talking about her garden parties, and the other one flat out lied to me and contradicted my physician's recommendations. So, well...... back to the drawing board for me once I get moved and reoriented. Life needs to change and this is an essential area in this regard. I'm not sure therapists are the most helpful route for me. If they didn't kill me with their malpractice they just wasted my money and led me astray. Sadly, that's been my experience. I'm going back to the Zone plan and moderate exercise with weights, and maybe some dance.
Exercise is the only way. Walk, even. Walk 30 minutes a day. I have a treadmill that I usually walk on for an hour but I haven't been on it recently. ( my kitten hates to be in the other room by herself, with the door closed) I need to be more consistent. That's the key is consistency. It's like stirring the gravy in a pan while it thickens.