I've kind of let the food side of the house do its own thing without judgement for a spell. I seem to be having major issues with body dysmorphia right now. What the heck?! I'm having to be conscious and present, and override what my mind is telling me. A lot of condemnation and judgment raining down on me these days. It takes a lot of energy to fight back against these lies along with the never/ever/forever lies. I'm using mindfulness and distraction right now to help me along the path.
The comfort and binge eating is a sign of being triggered. If I can take it as a indicator rather than beating myself up then I can use this information to manage my life.
So many things happened that were triggers, last year and this year then that was compounded from earlier triggers like being punched in the face last year and the triggers that came from that. It takes me so long to come out of that stuff - 3-6 months can go by. At least it is not two years now so that is progress. But anyway I am learning more. I really need to take a break and decompress after those events.
Sometimes the triggers conflate into one big ball of mess. If I just have one trigger there is chance of managing it. When it's
Waking up and having multiple panic attacks in the night.
Papa Bear process of dying and death
Being on the hotline with all the dying animals and people's distress over they dying animals has been a trigger. Folks sobbing their guts out on the phone is tough.
Fires burning out of control
Sperm donor death
challenging my Father's estate
Writing all the stuff re Father's estate.
My sister trying to buy into my challenge of our Sperm Donor's estate
Dynamics in 3 groups that trigger off my family\issues BIG TIME
Negotiating job and thinking that I have work for the year and then the goal posts being shifted on me.
Crazy 85 year old
Crazy 65 year old
Finding out this guy who is a great teacher and how I thought I coudl get work with has "unfairly been accused of sexually abusing his daughter, who is a liar as is her Mother' - that was punch in the guts.
Being stalked by crazy 65 through one whole 2 hour class who did nothing but stare at me and
Fear of not belonging
Fear of not getting work
Fires 20 kms away
Writing fire plan for Relief Aviary and realising any one out there would die.
Being reprimanded, quite nicely by president - yeah I went into my stuff
Freaking out over my eating
Regret and terror from how my PTSD has f*cked up my life.
My sleep going to serious shit.
B waiting for operation and his illness and sickness and the fear of all that.
Our Prime Minister still hasn't accepted all the offers from overseas for help.
Knowing other Australians are without housing, water and electricity due to fires and nothing is being done for them.
Having friends in the path of fires.
Having to dodge fires ourselves.
My banjo teacher behaving horribly towards me - to lose what I thought was a safe space.
All the animals I have had to take to be euthanased.
Folks do dodgy stuff with wildlife.
My schemas that take over.
My hip, knee and back.
My crazy thinking being all over the place.
Looking for validation from people who are slammed
Being worried about people doing 24/7 with the Koalas and Kangaroos
Being overwhelmed with the fires and the species lost to extinction.
I have been paranoid the Union is thinking badly because I got punched in the face by that kid.
And being me is hard. I have so much I have to manage.
B being so ill is scary.
The monitoring the fires
Friend stuck on beach due to fires
Regret that I didn't challenge my GrandFather's estate and anger that I was so damaged by what he did I couldn't do that.
The paranoia I am feeling about people judging me for various things.
Going into my own emotional hell and being emotionally absent to my partner.
Feeling so bad about my throbbing with my corrosive self doubt.
Being triggered by my reactive attachment disorder where closeness to other human beings destabilises me.
Not being able to follow through as I am in Flight, Fight and Freeze and screwing stuff up for myself.
And there's about another 10 things to add to this list
Yeah and I was doing well but then I started to offer to do things for so many people and I just kept on taking on more and more all the time. I became the crazed and terrified girl-child trying to meet the big people's needs so I don't get hurt.
Well I think I can conclude that when my eating gets to this level that my stress cup is well and truly over pouring and gushing out. I took on way too much and it was way too much for me. I need to be more realistic. The other thing is that so much happened last year it knocked me for a six and I didn't get that.