ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

So back scratching a long with this one. Scratching along.

 

[ms spock]

Don't forget Self-Compassion

When I forget to do Self Compassion Breaks I go down the tubes. I don't know if will work for your folks but it's a suggestion!

 

[ms spock]

I had eggs for lunch. I am not being so hard on my self.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah so I am back here again. But that's not the end of the world. I will get there again.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've kind of let the food side of the house do its own thing without judgement for a spell. I seem to be having major issues with body dysmorphia right now. What the heck?! I'm having to be conscious and present, and override what my mind is telling me. A lot of condemnation and judgment raining down on me these days. It takes a lot of energy to fight back against these lies along with the never/ever/forever lies. I'm using mindfulness and distraction right now to help me along the path.

 

[ms spock]

I also gave up punishing myself for this as well. This is part of my story and over time I will get back on top of this again.

 

[ms spock]

The comfort and binge eating is a sign of being triggered. If I can take it as a indicator rather than beating myself up then I can use this information to manage my life.

So many things happened that were triggers, last year and this year then that was compounded from earlier triggers like being punched in the face last year and the triggers that came from that. It takes me so long to come out of that stuff - 3-6 months can go by. At least it is not two years now so that is progress. But anyway I am learning more. I really need to take a break and decompress after those events.

 

[ms spock]

Sometimes the triggers conflate into one big ball of mess. If I just have one trigger there is chance of managing it. When it's


Waking up and having multiple panic attacks in the night.

Papa Bear process of dying and death

Being on the hotline with all the dying animals and people's distress over they dying animals has been a trigger. Folks sobbing their guts out on the phone is tough.

Kangaroos dying
Koalas dying

Fires burning out of control

Sperm donor death
challenging my Father's estate
Writing all the stuff re Father's estate.
My sister trying to buy into my challenge of our Sperm Donor's estate

Dynamics in 3 groups that trigger off my family\issues BIG TIME

Negotiating job and thinking that I have work for the year and then the goal posts being shifted on me.
Crazy 85 year old
Crazy 65 year old
Finding out this guy who is a great teacher and how I thought I coudl get work with has "unfairly been accused of sexually abusing his daughter, who is a liar as is her Mother' - that was punch in the guts.
Being stalked by crazy 65 through one whole 2 hour class who did nothing but stare at me and

Fear of not belonging
Fear of not getting work

Fires 20 kms away
Writing fire plan for Relief Aviary and realising any one out there would die.

Being reprimanded, quite nicely by president - yeah I went into my stuff

Freaking out over my eating

Regret and terror from how my PTSD has f*cked up my life.

My sleep going to serious shit.

B waiting for operation and his illness and sickness and the fear of all that.

Our Prime Minister still hasn't accepted all the offers from overseas for help.
Knowing other Australians are without housing, water and electricity due to fires and nothing is being done for them.
Having friends in the path of fires.
Having to dodge fires ourselves.

My banjo teacher behaving horribly towards me - to lose what I thought was a safe space.

All the animals I have had to take to be euthanased.

Folks do dodgy stuff with wildlife.

My schemas that take over.
My hip, knee and back.

My crazy thinking being all over the place.
Looking for validation from people who are slammed
Being worried about people doing 24/7 with the Koalas and Kangaroos
Being overwhelmed with the fires and the species lost to extinction.

I have been paranoid the Union is thinking badly because I got punched in the face by that kid.

And being me is hard. I have so much I have to manage.

B being so ill is scary.

The monitoring the fires
Friend stuck on beach due to fires

Regret that I didn't challenge my GrandFather's estate and anger that I was so damaged by what he did I couldn't do that.

The paranoia I am feeling about people judging me for various things.

Going into my own emotional hell and being emotionally absent to my partner.
Feeling so bad about my throbbing with my corrosive self doubt.

Being triggered by my reactive attachment disorder where closeness to other human beings destabilises me.

Not being able to follow through as I am in Flight, Fight and Freeze and screwing stuff up for myself.
And there's about another 10 things to add to this list

Yeah and I was doing well but then I started to offer to do things for so many people and I just kept on taking on more and more all the time. I became the crazed and terrified girl-child trying to meet the big people's needs so I don't get hurt.

There's so much going on.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ms spock - I hear you. It's a lot. The affect(s) of cumulative stress are horrific. I feel this coming from your writing. Have you been able to work on processing any of this with your therapist?

Thinking of you and sending heart hugs. ???

 

[ms spock]

Well I think I can conclude that when my eating gets to this level that my stress cup is well and truly over pouring and gushing out. I took on way too much and it was way too much for me. I need to be more realistic. The other thing is that so much happened last year it knocked me for a six and I didn't get that.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah @VioletButterfly my psychiatrist said two weeks of no work and nothing and to completely destress. But it's so hard. I almost went to teach this morning.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Well I think I can conclude that when my eating gets to this level that my stress cup is well and truly over pouring and gushing out.

Ironically, I had a similar thought yesterday only my stress cup was more like Mount Vesuvius, sprewing and flying into the air over to everyone elses' stress cups. lol

Yeah @VioletButterfly my psychiatrist said two weeks of no work and nothing and to completely destress. But it's so hard. I almost went to teach this morning.

I left a note in your journal for you. ?