I have tried for 35 years to get into and stay in my body at the same times I am around people, and I just really can't do it except with a couple of people. I have tried so hard and pushed myself beyond what I can actually do. So I am trying to be a bit more realistic.
This is still really a huge struggle for me. I need to slowly start to make better decisions on this. Hospital was okay. I managed well. I still was a basket case three days before and I just numbed out on food and slept after I got into the car yesterday. I did my best I couldn't manage any better than that. I took two Valium an hour before getting there. It was good. Then I comfort ate in bed. Not the best but still overall an improvement. This eating thing started when I was such a really small child, and it was how I managed as a kid with everything. Eating feels like my family in a way, so sad, still improving quite a lot. I just have to get back to this better.
I am the same. Eating has always been a huge issue for me. It is either completely on or completely off/ severely restricted. There has never been a middle ground for me and I find that moderation so tricky. I have been super underweight and overweight. I know the thing I should aim for is finding that moderation. I know I have to use mindfulness to be aware of what I'm eating too - but it is so very hard and I certainly haven't mastered it yet. I read a book a while ago called 'Good Girls do Swallow' by Rachael Oakes-Ash. I found it a really good, interesting read and it gave me some insights into the idea that restriction can often be the cause of terrible cycles of eating and shame. I hope you find somewhere safe to live soon and have some success with eating. It is something I am constantly working on, regressing, reevaluating.