ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

Okay my Father died so I have allowed myself some nolstagia eating which hasn't been so satisfying, but I haven't been doing too badly.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've been very mindful of the role of ED in my daily life lately and very aware of the impact it has had on my life for way too long. I'm also thinking about why I have these issues wrapped up with eating or not eating, and trying to think through these behaviors and trying to figure it out so that I can heal my body, mind, and spirit. I do want to have a better life. I feel like all I've been doing for as long as I can remember is just surviving what life has thrown at me right and left. The latest rounds seem to have broken something inside of me. I feel different and I'm not happy about it. I feel rather alien.

So, since I do want a better life or way of life, I need to change. I don't know what it will look like on the other side, but I hope it is better than the way I am existing now. I hope the way I'm feeling will change along the way. I've been encouraging myself this week by embracing the power of "maybe" in all or nothing internal conversations. I've also been fighting the negative voices by telling myself that "I CAN...." and "I am "CAPABLE...."

I'm practicing these a lot so that I can manage everyday matters and also so that I can secure employment. It's very difficult, but I'm trying to get myself to submit applications, putting my self-doubts and esteem issues aside, so that I can get situated. I know working will be most helpful on many levels. I need structure, finance, human interaction, purpose, and to use my skills/be creative in an administrative fashion. I'm hoping that once I get back into the swing of things, my skills and confidence will get back to where they once were.

It all seems to work together. Just one big old house of cards I guess. Well, here's to getting up and trying again, one day at a time.

 

[ms spock]

I have gone too far back into this.

 

[ninja]

@ms spock It is very, very, very challenging to be with some of the feelings that are stored in our bodies. I also have ups and downs, but finding other self-care routines (skin care, hair care, teeth, clothing that makes me feel safe but also nice) has helped, as has realizing that laying on the earth outside for a period of time can be very grounding. It's always been easier for me to feel the harder feelings when I sense others are around but not paying attention. Sometimes I absolutely do want to hide, but other times being alone with the feelings is way too much-- so I've found it helpful to seek out quiet spots outdoors, near enough to others that I can see them, but far enough away that they aren't going to pay attention to me when the big feelings are overwhelming. Just a thought.

I'm sitting and/or walking with you.

 

[ms spock]

That's a great idea @ninja I will go and lay on the ground, and be close to see people but not to be noticed when the big feelings come.

 

[ms spock]

I forgot to ground myself and it didn't go well. I find it really hard to ground myself. I just am so resistant to feeling my feelings.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I just am so resistant to feeling my feelings.

Totally understandable given all that you've got going on. Patience and kindness. Sending compassionate hugs. VB

 

[ms spock]

I am crazy anxious at the moment.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've been thinking, and re-reading materials and notes regarding nutrition and its impact on cognition and mood. I know it's a "no-brainer," no pun intended, but often I seem to turn my attention away from this fact as I engage in unhealthy behaviors to relieve my anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc...

I've been keeping a list of words that I want to use as ques to keep me on track. Abbreviated slogans, if you will. :) I've mentioned some of them before, but want to pull them together and build upon them. Can, capable, maybe, intention..... There are probably more that I've mentioned along the way, but this is what I remember for the time being. I think the "intention" component works to keep me present. I seem to have a really difficult time staying present and focused. I'm not sure how to really tackle this other than to keep reining myself in when I notice that I've gone far afield. I have a picture in my mind of trying to corral kittens. I believe I've heard that saying before and it seems to be ringing a bell in my mind. Anyway, I'm going to put together a routine so that I have some sort of structure for my days until I find employment.

I also went through my supplements yesterday after doing some research. I'm trying to find something that will work on anxiety. I think I'm going to try L-theanine again and add Lemon Balm. I have some Tulsi tea as well which is also good for the endocrine system (Heaven knows I need all the help I can get in that regard). I'm hoping some of these supplements might also help with sleep because I think it's anxiety that is the problem there.

I think in trying to work on the components and getting my mind/body in better condition, I'll be able to work myself out of these disordered eating patterns. I looked for an EDA meeting yesterday and it seems there aren't any taking place in my area any longer. Maybe I'll just go back to Al Anon. ACOA experiences are probably where some of my stinkin' thinkin' started anyway.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I did pull the meeting schedules for Al Anon and if I'm desperate, AA. AA meetings kind of scare me though - those folks are always rowdy to my Zen-leaning spirit. There are a lot of them though compared to Al Anon, so well sometimes I guess I just need someplace to be where folks are recovery-oriented. I wonder, sometimes, if I'm avoiding recovery and a better way of life? "Maybe" is keeping my head above water today.

 

[ms spock]

Struggling, struggling a lot.

 

[ms spock]

Okay still here. Time to move on from comfort food for dealing with my Father.