Dissociated Book - What Shall I Do?

[shimmerz]

I had a friend (a couple actually) who used to deal with lost time. One of them used to video herself when doing 'touchy stuff'. Not sure if that would be a help to you if you decide to work on the book? It may let you know what it is that is happening to you. Maybe say out loud what page you are reading, ask yourself the questions out loud, and your answers. It may give you some clues.... if you forget to say the page, or whatever....

Just a thought.

 

[digger]

Thread re-opened.

 

[Sandstone]

I've asked for this to be re-opened because I've done it again.
I wanted to use the book to follow up on something my therapist said, but i can't find it.
It seems I've hidden it, again, and this time not in any of the places I might expect. I'm no further forward

I hate having no control over my brain. How can I ever get to grips with myself?
I'm scared that I've hidden it where someone else might find it. I want to keep this private

At least I know the book exists this time, but I have no idea what I have done with it

 

[Powder]

@Sandstone have you told your therapist about this and similar items?

I hope you find it and figure out what about it is the issue.

In my case, I discovered that I have massive DID, something I've feared. When this shit hits the fan, you are not so afraid as seeking understanding. My point? Don't be afraid. It's just you, whether PTSD or DID, it's just you, acting in your own best interest. I know it is frustrating and scary, but there's nothing to be afraid of. Fear of the unknown (within oneself) is what's held me back. I'm going back to be re-evaulated from just PTSD to now DID, since I discovered, not a book, but a long-term relationship that one insider had and kept a secret from the rest of my system for a long time. Now, I'm having fb's of her relationship and it's a shock, I can tell you. It's going to be okay though.

I wish you luck with your efforts. It's good you are staying positive and keeping this under your watchful eye.

 

[Sandstone]

Yes, I've reported it. I have a DDNOS diagnosis, which I generally disbelieve until something like this happens.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be so separated as you experience. That must be a huge shock to come upon.

For me, there just seems to be so much conflict in my thinking.

How can I claim I'm working to recover, when I don't commit myself to even a book?
against
Why do I push myself so hard I have to hide a mere book?

Both statements contain their own internal conflicts, and conflict with each other. And worst of all, there is no point in me trying to think to a conclusion, because apparently I'll act in the opposite way to what I've decided.

 

[Friday]

How can I claim I'm working to recover, when I don't commit myself to even a book?
against
Why do I push myself so hard I have to hide a mere book?

Both statements contain their own internal conflicts, and conflict with each other. And worst of all, there is no point in me trying to think to a conclusion, because apparently I'll act in the opposite way to what I've decided.

I had to buy something like 6 or 7 copies of my first decent ADHD book... because when throwing it against the wall lacked the satisfaction it used to derive, I took to tearing out whole sections and flushing it, dousing it with gasoline & burning it, digging a hole under the tree I hid things in and burying it, and more than a few copies got hucked into the lake.

I’d steel myself. THIS time I was going to behave like a mature and responsible... Nope. Apparently not. Even though at the outset I was absolute. Determined. Calm. Clear headed.... Crash! There goes another book.

(Digital books have really cramped my style. Much like angrily tapping “end call” just lacks the satisfaction of slamming down the receiver into the cradle.)

This wasn’t even trauma stuff. Just big emotions. And a learning process.

I was trying to do too much, too soon, would get overwhelmed and panic/lash out.

So, for me, those 2 statements don’t really conflict anymore than committing to running a marathon, and if you can’t do 26.2 the first time you tie on your shoes? Clearly you’re not committing to running a marathon. (Yes you are. Just not in one fell swoop) And, hello, attempting to do so? IS pushing yourself too hard.

You can commit to running a marathon ... in a year. Allowing yourself time to train. At 6 months, you might reevaluate and give yourself 18 months.

You are allowed to adjust.

So perhaps?

You can commit to your recovery.
That recovery MAY include a book.
IF it does? That book can be approached slowly, and it still counts.
If you’re progressing to hiding the book, you are pushing yourself too hard (from experience).
It is unrealistic to expect to learn without experience.

 

[Abstract]

I do feel so much for you. So remember these situations and the constant internal warring/disconnect. Its one of the worst things I think i've had to deal with. Its very hard to make progress when there is no centre of gravity. Now that things are a bit more harmonious and there is more acceptance the analogy that comes to mind is sailing a ship but there being no intact mast in the middle of it, and scrambled communication.. No mast, not being able to see what else was happening or if I was in a house of mirrors. Like all parts of the ship pulling in different directions or in the dark. If the weather report was real or if I was playing tricks with myself. If I had even checked the weather. The centre of it all was missing.
If a storm comes and there is a hole in the base but I at least know the mast is still erect and I recall what has been done and why that is somehow easier. At least I can trust me. Not trusting out there is one thing. Not knowing or trusting what is going on in here is another.

But I think you will progress. It just goes on until it doesn't as much. You are taking the right steps.

One of the things that helped me the most is to try to approach things from an angle rather than directly. My natural nature was to bulldoze at things in a merciless (on self) way. That wasn't working any more. I had to patiently inch in from the side. Like approaching a bird. Reassuringly. Exceedingly annoying. It was a real learning curve. Still is. I annoy myself so much with it. Feel pathetic. I had to start respecting the resistance or brakes my brain was putting on things and work with it rather than trying to dominate it.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I've asked for this to be re-opened because I've done it again.
I wanted to use the book to follow up on something my therapist said, but i can't find it.
It seems I've hidden it, again, and this time not in any of the places I might expect. I'm no further forward

I hate having no control over my brain. How can I ever get to grips with myself?
I'm scared that I've hidden it where someone else might find it. I want to keep this private

At least I know the book exists this time, but I have no idea what I have done with it

@Sandstone I hide sh*t too, like before going on a trip. I come back and have no clue where that safe place was that I stashed "it". For example, I had some painkillers and muscle relaxers that I didn't need anymore. I put them out of sight while I was gone. Can't find them to put them back in the med cabinet. I hide things intentionally.....then haven't a clue. So frustrating.