Dissociating and panicking when there is a crisis, how do you deal?

[SeekingAfrica]

I ended up falling again on hands and knees, so now I'm all in scrapes and bruises. This week is just awful. I am working while on painkillers, I'm behind on bills and the job I managed to get was physical one so I had to give it up for now because of my ankle. I work and sleep in patches because between my swollen and bruised knee and ankle sprain and anxiety about bills and panic and trying to work, everything in me is simply exhausted. I go for a simple errand and return feeling faint from the effort. I am seriously going to be relieved when this week ends.

 

[blackemerald1]

Just some basis points - are you eating correctly? Have you had your BP & any blood test's done recently to rule out a physical ailment? Could your meds be too strong? Are you getting regular sleep & enough daylight on your skin? Just covering those things bc it seems you actually are quite motivated & highly functional. :) Except for these mini crisis which are tipping you over.

I just want to let you know that despite your obvious frustration with this you are doing the most logical things to work through it.

Have you thought of meditation? There are heaps of free guide's available, books etc. I wonder if you added this or even other mindfulness techniques as a routine into your day if that might help?

Can you add swimming or another free activity into your day bc if you found some relief from this with dancing you may find more regular exercise also assists too.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Just some basis points - are you eating correctly? Have you had your BP & any blood test's done recently to rule out a physical ailment? Could your meds be too strong? Are you getting regular sleep & enough daylight on your skin? Just covering those things bc it seems you actually are quite motivated & highly functional. :) Except for these mini crisis which are tipping you over.

I just want to let you know that despite your obvious frustration with this you are doing the most logical things to work through it.

Can you add swimming or another free activity into your day bc if you found some relief from this with dancing you may find more regular exercise also assists too.

Okay, let's see. Eating correctly... for the last year, I wasn't. I'm an emotional eater and I was super depressed and suicidal at times, so I ate a lot of my feelings. In the last few weeks I had started eating better and getting in shape, but now with my ankle I just didn't have energy to deal with cooking for some days so not great...hoping to slowly get back on track. My BP is generally low(Like they usually don't let me give blood because it's too low). But that has always been the case. Other than that blood test have been all good.

My meds if anything are not strong enough. I've been on these exactly before and I was doing great, and the past year was the hardest I've had in a decade, in practical sense. So by the time the summer came around I was so anxious I was having several panic attacks just leaving the house, and I was suicidal often and so on. Got back on meds in July and I am fairly certain this is what's keeping me as functional as I've been. I am getting regular sleep, but not good sleep, with all these little crises, I find it hard to fall asleep or not to have very unsettling restless sleep where I wake up exhausted even if I slept 8 hours.

Few months I was a lot into a DBT workbook I have on my computer, but that was the time right before things got really bad and I couldn't deal with it. Same goes for meditation and yoga. I love self care and also I love planning in different ways, but then when I got really suicidal I just let go of a lot of things because I really couldn't. Existing was pretty much all I could do for a while. The first weeks on the meds were rough, but then it got better. During the time I was in that really dark place I was working when I could and not when I couldn't. Many things changed.

So in the last month I finally felt like I could see light, you know? Less panic attacks, more energy. My teachers in ballet started to see difference in how I danced. I started losing weight and eating right. I started setting up a planner and schedule for myself again and being a bit more social. I think I'm just drained and in need of break or therapy for support while this passes. Basically I had really bad PTSD few years back, got better, and just as I finally did, my life changed in a huge way, all of it. And I did not handle it very well. And then there were series of unexpected huge challenges and I got worse and worse over time. Moved back with family, good practically, but they were extremely toxic and got me super negative just as I was getting better. Then I got worse and worse, until that suicidal part. But practical crises haven't stopped. Some like my ankle are unexpected. Others however would have been easier if I had regular finances, but I'm really in debt after the last year, and I was applying for a while, but then I was too depressed and anxious so I did the little work I had found, enough to keep me afloat, but not well. Yet I was too low to apply.

So just as I finally started getting better all these challenges and crises' catch up to me and my body is like, I can't. That's how it feels. Working full time is still challenge but I'm trying to fill this time either with work or applications when I can. I told more of the truth to few friends to get practical help from them with the applying. I was terrified of some changes a year ago, but latest crises made me think I'm ready to do some things, like look for more uncomfortable but cheaper place to live, so I can be more relaxed in covering expenses and allow my mind to heal better. And so on, and so on...I feel like the meds have finally kicked in enough for me to start taking care of the mess I made financially while I was suicidal and in denial(when you can't pay for health stuff and proper food or computer you need for work or any little unexpected thing that needs repair, financials start to take over other parts of your life too). However I keep having this huge fear that I'm too late to change....and since change takes time, any time there is a new crisis I can't fix, my body just...shuts down for a while.

I assume you asked about meds being too strong because me mentioning fainty feeling or sleeping mid day? I think that may have to do with being so anxious and afraid of certain things I shut down. And also with the fact that with all the injuries I have been taking painkillers and my regular medication so they could have been making me sleepier I assume...

Anyway, this is my huge story,....honestly, the short version of it. It's been a year of having a problem I can't solve every few days, relentless. Maybe I can finally get to change, if I can just get through enough more of the coming issues until I get better job and cheaper apartment. I feel like I've played every card for getting help and dealing with things in the last year and each new situation is harder to manage, and I'm not sure if I'll be better enough before all the problems catch up to me. I'm trying my hardest, but it was already hard enough without any physical health issues. So this week has really been testing me. I'm so scared I won't get through, I can't even express. And now, when I feel so close to real change too! I'm sorry this is long. You asked a lot of questions, and I feel like that was the only way to give at least a bit more full picture as to what's going on.

If it helps, I think writing all this down actually reminded me I am close to change. I hope I am anyways. Even if there will be few more bumps on the road...I really cant tell if I'm more scared or hopeful right now. Some moments I'm functional and good, and others I just crash for a while...Especially last week.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Oh, yeah, and I should mention, maybe I've overfilled my capacity for stress...But now each time those crises' occur I'm really bad in handling them. Let's say it's money related and it will be solved fastest by working. But just one little mention of the crisis, a message that reminds me of unpaid bill or obligation that I may or may not be able to handle on time, and I feel like my heart just stops. Like I get this one message or notification or email or call, and it feels like my whole world just shrinks down to this one little problem and explodes. And for the next few hours I can't really do much, and I also can't rest much either. I'm frozen in sheer terror. I had such a day today. Lots of rest for physical reasons...some errands and a bit of work, and so much fear I was frozen. I finally got a bit of relief for that issue and an hour later another issue popped up and I feel too late again. I'll try to sleep on it and be better tomorrow, but honestly I'm so depleated and this week is already so long.

 

[blackemerald1]

reminded me I am close to change.

I think with everything you have going on - I can understand why you're feeling exhausted and not coping with that little but important crisis that pops up when you least need it!

I don't cope well with change anymore so I understand why you may not too. I guess when I have to start doing something differently or must make a change - I try to remember that it will not always feel so bad, so critical and uncomfortable and I allow myself 'time-out' to feel my way through it. This doesn't mean I will not feel miserable but usually I am able to hang on to the idea that it's ok to not like something or even hate it but it is temporary and I will move on from it if I give myself time.

Eventually the new and strange becomes normal and familiar and I adjust. I hope you can let yourself move through this process without being too critical of yourself.

I think you have a very logical mind and are doing a lot already to resolve these anxiety and panic attacks.

I think if you are living beyond your means with accommodation- this is something you should put on the priority list.

I am pleased you are starting to recognise your eating patterns and do something about that. Despite your ankle being out of action right now...can you still do some gentle stretching? It will feel good as I am sure you would know and it is good for you too.

Financial anxiety is just dreadful because a lot of the time when something goes wrong it tips a small budget into a mess and something always has to give. So getting yourself financially stable and out of debt should also be a priority.

It is absolutely amazing how all these little things you described can fill up the stress cup and get to the overwhelming stage. Take account of all the stress's - good and bad. What can be managed better?

Sleep - non-refreshing sleep is my Achilles's heal. I too find it extraordinarily difficult to get to sleep and when I get a few hours I feel quite lousy upon waking.

I have a fairly rigid sleep routine and when it works it is so amazing how much better I feel and how much easier the day and the usual problems are to contend with. Try and get into a good sleep routine - that suits you and keep to it if you can.

Pain relief may be making you sleepy so that might account for the day-time snoozes. So not much can be done about that until you can stop using them. After that... avoid napping during the day for a while and see if it allows you to get to sleep and better nighttime sleep.

You mentioned you have a television in the bedroom and you sit in bed to work. If you can, move both activities out into another room. Bedrooms really should be for sleeping, resting and sex. :)

and so much fear I was frozen.

Anxiety and panic are all about fear. ^^You do sound quite fearful. If you can mitigate those fears through logical steps - it might be a good idea to start. Have you listed what your fears are and then sat back and drilled down as to why you are afraid? They do all add up so dismissing them as not important or not sensible doesn't work.

Legitimate fear needs to be addressed and dealt with - if you can.

I hope you start feeling better soon @SeekingAfrica :hug:

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I allow myself 'time-out' to feel my way through it.

I hope you can let yourself move through this process without being too critical of yourself.

Hmm. Yup. I am working on this, but I tend to be quite bad at it. I pushed myself with no timeout until my body shut me down quite literally. My PTSD didn't start with the first trauma I went through, but the second huge one. It happened to be that at the time I had chosen to briefly work in foreign country, which involved a lot of change. Then quickly turned into matter of survival. I thought I got myself into that situation and should have therefore have gotten myself out. Few years later I moved to new country for a relationship(ended up 5 year one). Last year when that relationship fell apart, I was out of apartment, visa, health insurance and relationship all at once. It happened to be a time I was also with no work at all, which was unrelated, just coincidence. For the year that followed filled with challenges, there were times someone was hard on me for a good reason, and usually I was 10x harder on myself. Still learning in time to be nicer.

I think if you are living beyond your means with accommodation- this is something you should put on the priority list.

I am. Not because of luxary though. My health over the last year combined with losing work made it really tough finding new work, so I've been getting by on very little income. So looking for more work is also priority. My apartment is one room, kitchen nook and bathroom. It's one of the cheapest I'd heard of in that are in the city. It was the first time I was living alone and soon after my relationship and I was horrified at the idea to live with roommate or somewhere where transportation would be more uncomfortable. All the changes had made me super hyperaware and scared. Plus I really honestly thought there wasn't a cheaper option since my place was already so tiny. I have recently discovered that if I live in normal size place or in just as tiny place, but towards the edge of the city, I can actually find rent that is half mine(and that is mind-blowing to be honest, anyone would think it is for this city). I think it's a priority too. My anxiety didn't allow me to do it until now, but in the last week I've been thinking over it constantly and over the issue with finding new place. I brainstormed all the potential problems and I'm looking for solutions. One was that I don't have deposit money. However I found some places that are half my rent, so I can use my deposit when I get it back to cover one month and one deposit in a place half-cheaper. But that would mean having little time to move once I do get my deposit back, and I don't have help or car, so I need to save for movers. I also need to workout some logistics since my apartment is registered as my office too. I'm working on it.

Despite your ankle being out of action right now...can you still do some gentle stretching? It will feel good as I am sure you would know and it is good for you too.

In the last day it started getting better by the hour! I walked around a bit and tried out my movement in some basic dance warmup. It was such huge relief! It's a big venting/therapy/coping thing for me. Ballet is like an additional limb for me and not having it was tough. Starting light workouts carefully from today!

What can be managed better?

Working on figuring that out.

You mentioned you have a television in the bedroom and you sit in bed to work. If you can, move both activities out into another room.

I can't. I am self-employed for now(if I find anything local I'd take that as well, need all the work I can get right now), so my desk is my work place. And I literally have one room with all for sleeping and work and everything. I was working in bed because of the ankle, but the best I can do now is move to the desk. Wherever I move that will still be the case, until I find a local job, or am making enough to be able to afford coworking spaces.

Legitimate fear needs to be addressed and dealt with - if you can.

I think a lot of my fears right now are connected to current living needs, work needs or debt repayment so they are all legitimate. As you can see up I am starting to try and address those.
I feel like with all crises lately the other fears were pushed down so I can't think of them most of the time until my legitimate ones get resolved. It's a huge situation, all of it, there are so many logical concerns to address. I am starting to address those, but I'm afraid because a lot of crises that pop up are time sensitive, while all good changes take weeks and every time there is a crisis I feel more depleated and less equipped to deal with it. So I'm afraid of me or things falling apart before real change takes place. I'm trying to take it one thing at a time, but it's hard. This week for example. There was one financial crisis and just as I found momentary solution for it, two more popped up. And I only have half-solutions and hope. And I am looking at apartments and ways to reduce expenses and finding new jobs. And it will work in time, but it's also a LOT. I am trying to also organize and braindump all this information, online and in my paper planner and in separate projects and action steps. I take a step forward and then I freak out about it. It's a process. I'm trying. I hope I can make it to a better time.