Dissociation - Acceptance Of Diagnosis

[Addy]

Hi everyone... In the past I had two therapists now tell me that they suspected I had a dissociative disorder or DID... needless to say I ran like hell. Now I have a new therapist (well not too new... been seeing her for about 10 months) and she is saying the same thing. I am SO SCARED. I want to run again. But one thing is different this time... and that is that I actually have a rapport with this T. I genuinely believes she cares for me. She is a trauma specialist, does emdr (though we haven't tried it) and has impeccable credentials. This is why I chose her in the first place.

Part of me feels like I should feel lucky to have her, and another part of me says run... run... run. I truly don't think this diagnosis can be possible. I'm functioning (atleast most of the time), employed, and my friends don't see it. What am I missing? I am very confused. Anyone who has been through this before... PLEASE help me to understand this. Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[revelry]

I really don't know anything about DID, I will have to familiarize myself with it, but when I read your post, there was something that came to mind.

People tend to be fearful of things that they do not understand, they want to run and hide from it. Has anyone ever explained it to you? Is it the not knowing, and not knowing how to address it (if it is in fact the case) that is making you anxious? You like this T and trust her, so before you shut the door, maybe see what she has to say, or have her clairify why she feels this way. Maybe it's not entirely what you think is the worst, and could very-well-be something that is treatable, with a certain degree of understanding.

I may be 'off base', I'm not a professional, or claim to be, It's just my thoughts.

 

[yomama]

I agree with Addy that it's a good idea to talk further with your T about the diagnosis, why she thinks it fits, and what that diagnosis might mean for your life (possible good and bad implications). It's great that you trust her and have a good relationship. I also think that despite credentials, many therapists don't know what they're doing. Many hear you talk about dissociation and immediately jump to DID without getting enough balancing info. I think you are right to be cautious. It sounds like you need more information to know if it's right for you (or not). And if not, that's okay, too.

 

[Addy]

thank you... revelry and yomama. I agree I need to talk to my T, I am just scared of the unknown. I do trust her...It's not like she tried to diagnose me after two sessions or something like that... it's been nearly a year now, and its the first time she's mentioned it. So it's not like she's one of those DID bandwagoners. I guess that's the scary part, is that she seems genuinely convinced that something is going on. I'm not sure if I want to know... just feeling very confused. :confused: Appreciate the support.

 

[jomac]

Hi. DID develops as a means of coping with traumatic experiences, usually in childhood. It has been theorized that severe sexual, physical, or psychological trauma in childhood predisposes an individual to the development of DID. The steps in the development of a dissociative identity are theorized to be as follows:
The child is harmed by a trusted caregiver (often a parent or guardian) and splits off the awareness and memory of the traumatic event to survive in the relationship.
The memories and feelings go into the subconscious and are experienced later in the form of a separate personality.
The process happens repeatedly at different times so that different personalities develop, containing different memories and performing different functions that are helpful or destructive.
Dissociation becomes a coping mechanism for the individual when faced with further stressful situations

It has a high co-morbidity with PTSD understandably.

Your desire to run is completely in line with PTSD behaviour. None of us can deal with stress so when faced with a " traumatic event", like being told you have DID, the adrenaline system kicks in straight away and we do one of three things, fight, freeze,

As you have such a good rapport with your therapist I hope you can develop trust with her to explore your DID.

J

Ps information on DID was courtesy of my colleague Dr Wiki.

 

[Addy]

thanks jomac... I never thought of my running from the diagnosis as a reflection of my ptsd, but that may be a good analogy. I do tend to run from the stressors in my life, rather than facing them head on. It's taken a long time (nearly a year) for me to get this far with this T. And now that my 'true' ??? self has been shown... whatever/whoever that is, I'm afraid. I just don't want this to be true. If anything it feels more like being a 'shell' of a person. There is the hard exterior that everyone on the outside sees, but in the inside a lot of sand and debris... just garbage. Thanks again.

 

[jomac]

Hey Addy

I have total empathy with you. I ran for years before I finally stopped. The realisation that I had been abused and was suffering with PTSD was bloody hard. At times the process of self-awareness was so tough I wished I could go back to my good ole defence mechanism of running. Now I embrace my illness and I am really relieved to stop. I likened the experience to stopping suddenly and all the buses (metaphor for trauma and life crap) that you have been running from hit you all at once. Initially it bloody hurts and stuns you, but persevere. The first step to management of PTSD is understanding the effect on you, only then can you start fixing things. bit like being an alcoholic I guess.

Take it easy and yourself.
J


Don't get me wrong, I still occasionally "run" but a lot less often!

 

[Addy]

I'm trying to educate myself; only joined the forum like a week ago. Maybe for me that is a good first step? Problem is that I'm supposed to meet with my T again in only two days. I am SO UNPREPARED for this conversation. I don't even know if I can get the words to come out of my mouth. I'll probably sit there and not be able to talk. Just the thought of discussing DID blows my mind. Anyway, I'll give it a college try. Knowing her (the T) she will anticipate my fears, and bring up the topic in such a way that I can respond if I'm ready, or not. She's good about doing that, and assessing my readiness for sharing. Thank you so much for your support. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I don't chicken out. :eek:

 

[yomama]

Don't be afraid to write down fears and questions as they come to you. I bet you can come up with a good list in two days ;)

 

[Addy]

thanks yomama... great idea. and if I can't get the words out (which I probably won't) I can give the list of questions/concerns directly to my T. Brilliant!

 

[Addy]

one other thing... maybe some of you would know. is it possible for you to have DID and people close to you like friends and family not know? I would think that someone would have said something if I acted peculiarly? I'm just confused as to how my T could suggest such a diagnosis, and based on what... wouldn't it be obvious to others?

 

[Lucycat]

No, It is not always recognised by friends and family. After all they are not experts. And it has taken your T 10 months to be sure enough to say anything.

Don't be afraid. It is a name for the problems you are experiencing. Nothing more. To your T it is an explanation of your behaviours. It will help the T to decide on the best course of therapy for you. Just like with PTSD, the right treatment for DID can and will improve your life.

Take care.
Lucy x