Dissociation from emdr

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have only had 2 actually EMDR sessions, the rest before are the prep leading up to EMDR.

I am finding that the EMDR brings the trauma to present where it won't go away. It's reliving it all over again, including body memories.

I am not one who disassociates a lot, but I am finding I am now disassociating a lot, so much that others are noticing it and pointing it out. Even happens in the middle of a conversation. It happened several times during DBT group, that the therapist asked if I needed my oranges to ground, and after group asked me if I was OK, and was I safe.

It is as if my brain is trying to protect me from the trauma again by shutting things down.

I am not sure I can handle this EMDR stuff, my severe trauma may be too much for my brain to handle, process, that it tries to re-protect me from it.

 

[Lamename01234]

Same thing happen to me. My ability to dissociate came front and center. I have had to really work on grounding exercises.
Have you gone over grounding techniques?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

yes, I spoke to my regular therapist about it (I have 3 therapist, regular, DBT, Trauma), she encouraged me to continue until my trauma therapist determines I should do otherwise. It seems the same mechanisms that protected me from the trauma back when it occurred is trying to protect me from re-experiencing the trauma via EMDR.

This stuff is so painful, sometimes I feel like I am going to break, I try hard to not let it make me despondent and unsafe.
I have another EMDR session on Monday, see what happens then. I have to tell the Trauma therapist about my disassociating.

 

[Lamename01234]

My t says often to me the defense mechanisms that protected us back then are not needed now and it takes time learning to adjust to feeling those feelings.
We also played with different ways of EMDR (using the hand buzzers over watching fingers). Using buzzers was hard for me because I found it easier to collapse. When we switched to fingers at first it was a little hypnotic and I found I became a speck on the wall faster but wasn't falling forward into my lap as often.
Then she changed to a faster pace which at first was harder but then I got used to it. And we gradually increased the amount of time we actually spent doing EMDR.

I can say it has helped with my one time trauma of being attacked by dogs. I think it was a total of 10 sessions. I went from total panic to I hate talking about it but I can and I don't collapse. I also don't freeze anymore when I hear a dog bark.

Now the CSA stuff a lot harder and we are back at square one. A lot was learned working with a smaller trauma first before tacking bigger things.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Given it took you 10 sessions on one trauma I can see i am in for a long haul. I have 3 trauma periods, one at 5 involving severe rape by force, the second at age 19-20 for 1.5 years where I endured a constant of emotional, physical abuse which also included one rape by a staff member and 2 by clients. And then at age 21 I was gang raped and beaten.

I don't know if I have the strength for what I may be in for.

 

[Lamename01234]

You do have the strength.
Tho it was a one time event the10 sessions also accounted for a learning curve - I was mauled by 2 dogs I thought I was going to be left for dead.
Keep talking and typing into the forum. You are not alone at all. Very brave to be facing it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Lamename01234 I sometimes feel like I am climbing a mountain that has no end, uphill , draining, endless.
Thanks for calling me brave to face it, I don't give myself the same credit, as for me I have to do this, as it's the last chance for me to get over this and the damage done by my cognitive distortions. If I can't get over this, I would rather not be alive. So I am having to give it my all no matter what. As quitting is not just quitting EMDR it's also quitting life literally.

This is something that I feel lost in, I can't draw on past experiences, and I am having to confront stuff I have not been able to cope with for my whole life.

 

[Keen]

@recoveringfromptsd , Sorry you're going through this. From what I understand, these are some normal responses to EMDR as you go through the past, but eventually it will help it all get processed so its no longer running your life. I hope the coming sessions and afterwards go better for you.

@Lamename01234 What do you mean by finding it easier to collapse? I ask because I totally collapsed at my first EMDR session (like, fell over and couldn't respond) and wonder if you're talking about the same thing?

 

[Lamename01234]

Yes falling forward into my lap, numb or crying, I vacillated between the two. My t calls it collapsing.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

It helps everyone knowing that others have had the same experience.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I had thought of quitting EMDR from these effects, but my primary therapist refuses to let me. She says it's too early to make any judgements about EMDR and its effectiveness for me, and I need to give it more time.

I guess, part of this is that it is scary, having your trauma with you in the present along with the living present and processing 24/7, and having dissociation more than I ever have, while driving, while talking, in DBT group, etc. It hurts 24/7 dealing with this stuff. When I think about it I just wish I died back then. I don't know if the pain from it all will ever go away. I want to numb really bad, but I can't because I am committed not to.

 

[Keen]

Yes falling forward into my lap, numb or crying, I vacillated between the two. My t calls it coll...

Thanks for replying, yes that is similar to what happened to me my first session, glad to have a good word for it.