Dissociation from emdr

[Keen]

I want to numb really bad, but I can't because I am committed not to.

Good job staying true to your commitment! That is an example and inspiration to the rest of us!

I don't know if the pain from it all will ever go away

I really believe that the pain will decrease significantly for you, as you continue in treatment, so that you can go through your life in peace and happiness.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Today was a particularly bad day, besides a lot of dissociative moments, had flashback of a continuation of a prior trauma event memory. It felt like I was being abused all over again.

Little by little I have been thinking about suicide again. It feels like this stuff will never go away, I am condemned to this miserable life that was wrecked by my abusers. I have had thoughts of doing it on my birthday which is a key date with my abuse (in december), at the DSS office location who was a party to my abuse and was never held accountable. Complete with a note why there and details of my abuse.

 

[Keen]

I used to have suicidal fantasies like that too, ones where I would do it in such an obvious way that my abuser would be exposed to the world. Thankfully, I didn't do it, and now, 9 years later, I am SO GLAD I didn't kill myself. I have had so many good experiences I never would have had. I have met true, trustworthy, loving friends, I graduated from college, and so many other great things. I KNOW there are good things ahead for you too, and you can know it too as you keep taking baby steps and agreeing to make it though another day.
Its at moments like these that its SO important for you to get professional help, I hope you are letting your therapist know about these fantasies. You deserve to live. You deserve to heal. That is the ultimate payback.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I hope you are letting your therapist know about these fantasies.

Yes, I have been open and honest about them. They seem unconcerned, I guess they know me so well they can tell when I am beyond thoughts.

 

[ParalyzedMind]

Don't be afraid of asking therapist to step back and try going through other bothersome things in your mind. Maybe you are not ready to confront the most pressing things yet.

I think it took me at least 5 sessions before I could even step close to my traumatic event and I was dreading it very much. Try to see if there are any lesser triggers you can work with first to get stronger before you face the biggest dragon, to say it like that.

EMDR is about trying to rewire synapses and possibly retire bad ones. Just like a soccer player has distinctly more developed pathways for a good touch with the foot, you need to restructure your brain pathways to function more constructively again.

Reminding me, I have EMDR session coming up soon. I still dread it very much, but AM starting to feel better even for days afterwards.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

What keeps me going is the feedback I have gotten about EMDR working, although I got feedback where it did not work for some. I have a lot of where it has worked. Despite the fact that this is killing me mentally by the hurt and reliving trauma in the present, I am sticking with it for however long it takes solely on the hope that the pain will lead to something better eventually. And change my miserable existence by also addressing the cognitive distortions that make my life miserable. In many ways I see it as like having to experience the pain that my brain blocked off to protect my mind.

I know some won't like to hear this, but If it fails I already have plans for that possibility to end my misery on an abuser's anniversary date in such a way that what happened and what was done to me can't be ignored and some public accountability is made.

 

[ParalyzedMind]

What keeps me going is the feedback I have gotten about EMDR working, although I got feedbac...

Dear you..
Please do not extract vengeance. My incident is all due to others as well and I hope later on to consult legal aid to hold them accountable. However, if you do anything out of sync with the system, your abuser will only use it against you. Please trust me here. I have gone through He11 due to someone else and and angry and scared as nothing else, but I am not in a state to implement retribution or seek vindication at this time.

Your best bet is to get stronger and THEN, some time you can do something, but you have to follow he laws. The legal system is, IMHO very unfair; countless people are punished for things they never did or because they lost their head.

Otherwise, do not consider EMDR as another pill or tangible and concrete intervention. It is so much more than that. It is easy to try to fault it due to the way it works. Compared to a pill, it does not work upon you, with you doing nothing. It is about you trying to restore control.

I hear you, understand what you are trying to say, Please, do not let abuser win. Don't attack in the open; lash out or disrupt your recovery by striving for retribution.

Life is precious, life is gorgeous. You just have to recover these feelings. Every time I go for EMDR , I still dread what is coming, but I think it is working on you based on your own reflections about it.

I started really becoming angry at my transgressors as the EMDR sessions became more frequent for a while, but I think it was the brain which has awakened and also activated some of the "fight" responses instead of the "flight" ones.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Public accountability is for another day. Do not let whoever did things to you win! If you desperately feel need to go something speak to your therapist. My attorney has even told me the same.

I can only totally empathize and feel with you, because I have similar thoughts, but TRUST ME. Get stronger and get well. Your best revenge is to get the best you have ever been and then...

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Otherwise, do not consider EMDR as another pill or tangible and concrete intervention. It is so much more than that. It is easy to try to fault it due to the way it works. Compared to a pill, it does not work upon you, with you doing nothing. It is about you trying to restore control.

Included in my trauma diary is the play by play of how and what I felt and experienced as I endured 16 EMDR Therapy sessions earlier this year, and as bad as that was...and for me...it was hell on earth! I would not go back and change a thing. For in my case, EMDR Therapy worked and desensitized (numbed) the brain to the point that I rarely if at all am triggered/flashed back into the multiple vicious trauma events of my past.

I too experienced my brain attempting to check out (dissociate) and my T told me to, "Hey Jade, come back here." My brain was checking out! And also feeling suicidal...yes, I too went through feeling suicidal, and disconnected, and overwhelming doom and gloom as I was going through EMDR Therapy. I will say EMDR Therapy worked...and it worked in spades for me. The benefit far beyond outweighed and continues to do so - the temporary yet gut-wrenching and at times mind-bending, and mind-blowing post-session symptoms.

And, I am a walking, talking miracle as this particular modality thrust me into the here and now...into the present time and prior to EMDR Therapy...I was constantly nightmaring, and living in the past trauma hell! So I am beyond grateful for EMDR (16 sessions) Therapy. And the amount of sessions is different and individual for each trauma type/case is individual and differs from client (patient) to client.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am giving EMDR my all, and it's nice to understand my experience is no unique. I have a lot of hopes with this.

I only said if I end up no different than now, I would not want to go on, and making unavoidable accountability on the way out was my thoughts.

I am nowhere near that path, I am on the coping with EMDR path, and hoping that the process helps me. I am under tight reigns, I have 3 therapists and seeing each once a week, and a trauma group run by mobile crisis staff. A lot of gatekeepers. If I start to leave the reservation they will likely catch it and intervene.

 

[ParalyzedMind]

No critique, just curious. Why do you have three therapists? Wouldn't it be better to just have one? Or is it managed care? I could never have more than one therapist and when I move, I will establish with only one wherever I go to.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Well, I have a primary therapist, who for my trauma history is not trauma qualified and she won't even try to deal with something she is not trained, I have a good working rapport with her. My other therapist is a trauma therapist, who works for life crisis, and they specialize in trauma only, they run the local battered women's shelter, the abuse/rape hotline, provide companion/advocate services for rape/assault victims, and they provide therapy for current and past trauma. There services are free also, as they are funded by grants. The other therapist is my DBT therapist who is trained to do DBT. My primary therapist especially wants life crisis to handle my trauma, as she says she has many clients she has worked with who have trauma, many referred and treated at Life Crisis, with some having EMDR done, but in my case she has never seen trauma she terms as severe and extreme. So I have a lot of pressure on me to continue with all this therapy by all 3 therapist, primarily because in a loose way I am a chronic suicide risk.

I am not sure I could have managed without all of them. Without the DBT I could not be handling the EMDR as well as I have, and without the Trauma Therapist I probably would have taken my life already, as the EMDR/CBT path is my last chance to undo some of the damage done by my trauma which so far has given me nothing by a life of misery. And my primary therapist keeps me from running off the rails along the way. In past crisis times she has challenged my thinking to bring me back into a state of manageable crisis.

In our area almost all trauma related therapy is referred by the clients providers to Life Crisis.

DBT was recommended by Sheppard Pratt Trauma Disorders Unit when I was D/C from there. And my therapist requires I attend DBT.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

The one thing about all my therapists is in there own level of expertise I have placed trust (something almost impossible for me to do) in them to know when I can no longer handle this process. As much as I say how hard this is and how much it hurts, I am not getting an easy out that would make me feel better short term. I know this is painful and difficult, I knew it too. I just did not expect it to be this much, knowing and doing are two different realities. The pressure to endure is both self generated as well as by my T's, and that is driven by the potential that without this process I would probably give up and leave this world. So in many ways I am stuck with having to go the whole way with this EMDR no matter how difficult it is and how painful it is, or how long it takes.

It is scary at best dealing with reliving the trauma memories in the present from doing this EMDR. But I also believe in many ways such is that my mind is forced to deal with that it locked away in emotion mind years ago.