Dissociation in therapy session

[mylunareclipse]

Today was probably the most I have dissociated in therapy.

I was completely locked in my body. My hands were locked into each other. And I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. They kept closing. And I was floating away. More and more.

Eventually after 15 to 20 min I came out of it. Moved my body. Shook it around. Started talking. My speech was even faster than usual.

But my therapist never says anything? I wonder if he sees what happens. He did t acknowledge it at all. The thing is after four years for therapy I think I am least ready to acknowledge that it’s happening and I am not making it up. But I haven’t been with this therapist for too long, so not sure if he can see what’s happening. Which makes me feel that maybe he does see it but he things it’s just nothing and normal. Am I making this up?

 

[mylunareclipse]

I am very confused with what is happening in my therapy right now…
I was with a therapist for three years and she gently pushed me to see that what was happening to me was dissociation… I had just worked with her for few months when I was suddenly inundated by memories of abuse and things I didn’t remember at all… it was then a dance of denial and avoidance for many years…until at some point I started accepting (or at least a part of me started accepting) that I was experiencing dissociation….
Then the therapist had to quit/move jobs…
I was in limbo. Eventually I started working with the current therapist since December, he never mentions the words trauma or dissociation…or abuse… in the last month I have had two sessions when I completely left my body, I was locked in my body and I had no access to movement or speech…I was just too far gone… and he just patiently waited there for 20 min till I was able to come out of it…then when I come out of it..he says nothing…doesn’t comment on what happened… so eventually I emailed him saying I wonder if he saw me…if he saw what was happening…and he responded that he did…but he is just giving me space to bring myself back from whatever is happening…that he cannot do that for me…only I can do that… which had me confused.
On one hand I appreciate not getting startled or interrupted in those moments, on the other hand, I feel so alone that he doesn’t even acknowledge them? I thought a therapist was supposed to help by educating and grounding the client? not the client being left to figure it out by themselves? Am I missing something?
Has anyone else had a therapist just let them be in their dissociation/flashback without naming it/talking about it/trying to ground them?

 

[piratelady]

With my therapist it depends. He’ll leave me to my thoughts sometimes for a little bit. Sometimes he’ll repeat a question a little more loudly/sternly to bring me back. Sometimes when he lets me come back on my own afterwards he’ll ask me where I went. It depends. I don’t really know how he decides when to pull me back and when not to.

It would probably be worth another conversation with your therapist in what you need and exoect. Then he can explain why do does or doesn’t agree.

 

[Jade-]

@wishforescape is it possible that maybe he's waiting for you to acknowledge what happens right afterwards? Or have you already done that it's still not ackowkedged?

He might be wondering why you are not acknowledging it if you're not.He might assume it's something you don't want to discuss and doesn't want to push you or cause even more dissociation.

I didn't know I was dissociating during sessions,I didn't even know what it was and had never even heard the term before.My T one day said "I see you fading in and out" which started us talking about it.All T's are different, if you haven't brought it up in session maybe it's a good idea to do so?Maybe he's just being gentle and taking things real slow?

 

[mylunareclipse]

I think you might be right @JadeB.
For years I had no idea what was happening...and even it happened it was outside of my awareness or understanding...I simply avoided talking about it... because it was too crazy.
Now instead I am coming closer and closer to accepting that this happens? But find it hard to word it or talk about it...because I am scared? I am scared he might say that this is just normal and it's not dissociation and I am imagining it? that it's just a little bit of anxiety or something? But on the other hand I feel like I am going crazy because I am so aware of it all of a sudden.
I guess him not interrupting me has given me the advantage of experiencing it in front of someone so that I can start believing myself? but then it gets canceled out because we don't talk about it? Because we don't talk about it I feel like I am making it up... I feel like I am going crazy

 

[Jade-]

He acknowledged it happened in the email so you are obviously not just imagining it.

Whether it's a dissociative disorder or just part of your PTSD,wouldn't you like to discuss it and find out?

 

[mylunareclipse]

I would like to discuss it but I am ashamed. I am afraid I don't even have PTSD and I am just imagining it... I guess he did acknowledge it... I don't know everything seems so straight forward for other people, but it seems with me the therapists dance around these issues/topics a lot..maybe coz I dance around these issues myself... :( I am sorry I just feel like an imposter right now.

 

[Jade-]

I'm sure your T can pick up on your doubts and embarrassment and might be why he's not talking about it.

How you feel about it is something good to discuss too.If you don't have the courage to do that face to face maybe even send an email with all your thoughts and concerns?Much of my therapy was done through email because it was just easier for me.Plus at other times I would write out everything I wanted to say and either read it out loud during sessions or hand it to my T to read.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for your support @JadeB.
Ya I think a lot of it is my own hesitation.
Therapists then hesitate to not flood me.
But all I know is that I am feel like I am losing it today and all I need is some answers.
I guess writing would be good as the last two times this bad dissociation happened was because I was trying to be courageous and talk about it rather than avoid it. And these episodes stopped me from doing that.

 

[Jade-]

Good luck with writing it out.I hope that will be helpful for you,I know it was extremely helpful for me to write what I wasn't able to say.

And hopefully you can do that for your next session since you are really struggling.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you so much for your support! Yes I emailed him for an emergency meeting tomorrow. Today was difficult

 

[mylunareclipse]

so I met with my therapist and the session was good overall!
However, it seemed like he had no idea what had actually happened?
When I explained to him how I was literally locked and couldn't move my body for the 15-20 min, he said that ya that was a dissociative episode indeed.
But apparently he didn't know what was happening when it happened, he thought I was just being quiet? And that's why he thought it wasn't his place to interrupt?
It's funny to me because the way my body froze and my eyes closed, it felt that it would be obvious to an outsider, but I guess he couldn't tell?
Anyhow, I was able to link the dissociative episode to a being strangled episode where I left my body and didn't have access to any movement, so that was kind of important.
I think the session went well overall, just don't know if I should worry that my therapist doesn't recognize/know much about dissociative episodes?