Dissociation Makes Me Able To Stay Sane?

[Nothing]

Yesterday I had some pretty intense dissociative moments, as in blacking out completely, coming too in different rooms, not being able to feel my body or anything else at all when "with it", blacking out again, feeling like I was just going to start walking and never come back, and just this relief because the pain was gone. Feeling normal again because I'd dissociated.

It's hard to explain, but I'll try my best, I've had a few days that have been really hard, have been giving a statement about events that happened when I was a child. Finished doing that yesterday, and felt like the trauma was minimized when I read the statement, although I do know that no statement could ever do the traumas I experienced as a child could ever possibly do it justice. Also I was given a very short period of time in which to read/sign the statement, which felt like I was being rushed to read and make sure was accurate (because they had somewhere to be and were worried they were going to be late), extremely painful stuff to do with when I was a child, a massive statement at that. Silly for me to have felt minimised I know. In feeling minimized I did what I've always done and immediately turned on myself. Hated the little girl who had lived through it all (me), blamed her for everything, wanted to kill myself (the old me not the me now), if that makes any sense. I felt so devastated, and just had this scream going through my head on and on and on.

I couldn't cry, can't cry no matter how much I want to. It was just a wail, a howl, a scream in my brain. My brain was crying but I could not. I had such violent thoughts towards myself, and intense flashbacks to when I was a child. And I wanted to kill the child (me) who lived through it all. I felt like because I felt minimized that it must've been right and good that everything that happened to me and that I must be bad, bad, bad and deserved it all. A whole heap of emotions and stuff going through my head, but the above I mentioned was the main of it.

The pain was so bad and suddenly I just dissociated. Remember going to the toilet and then dissociating, as in blanking out. I came to knew I was dissociating, and it happened a few more times but I was happy because the pain in my head was gone. I was back to normal me, the me who can cope with anything, the me who can run a household, who can endure night after night of nightmares for years on end and still function through the day reasonably well, the me who got through all these years. The dissociation blanking out bits stopped the pain from continuing at such an extreme level.

What I was wondering I guess, was is dissociation actually a good thing? I've had psychologists try to get me to stop dissociating for years, trying to get me to ground myself from a dissociation episode, and I'm wondering if that is even the right thing to do? Like I'm not sure I would've survived yesterday without offing myself if I hadn't have dissociated.

And I'm wondering if I actually have spent most of my life dissociated to some extent (mildly most of the time), I know I have derealisation and depersonalization much of the time for years and I know many other people find dissociation distressing but I'm not too bothered by it most of the time. I frequently blank out of life too, which I do find distressing because I get scared because I have no awareness of anything during blanking out periods of time and can't control it. It does bother me when I have to talk about the traumas that I have little facial expression, sometimes even smiling or laughing, which would seem no doubt very abnormal to other people, and I've had people say to me that it's odd to see someone smile when they talk about stuff that's so traumatic, but I can't help it, I tend to dissociate while talking about it, and can talk about it as though it's someone else's life not mine, as though I'm reading a book not retelling very painful parts of my childhood. Like very little emotion, and that disturbs me.

Maybe it's best for me to be dissociated. I can't explain properly how bad it gets in my head when I'm feeling the full brunt of my feelings. I feel like such a fragmented and broken person. Maybe that's why I can't cry, because I'm dissociated more often than not? I know I was dissociated during most of the traumas I went through, and was dissociated much of the time during my childhood, and I'm not so sure that it's a bad thing that I'm still dissociated much of the time. I think I function better dissociated then when I'm feeling?

I'm sorry this is such a long post. I guess I just wanted to find out what your opinions/thoughts on this are. I know it's probably a silly query/thought, so I'm sorry for being selfish in asking. Again, sorry the post is so long.

 

[Notsowild]

And I'm wondering if I actually have spent most of my life dissociated to some extent (mildly most of the time), I know I have derealisation and depersonalization much of the time for years and I know many other people find dissociation distressing but I'm not too bothered by it most of the time

To be honest I didn't even realize I was dissociating for years. I cant believe how I lived life in this state. I know we dissociate when our brains can't handle the stress and trauma we put on it. So it is helpful at the time. But I'm trying to work through this with my trauma therapist.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

A therapist once told me that we are not supposed to dissociate and we do it when we do not feel safe.

We had to do it when we were being abused but our survival works against us as adults.

I have never heard of it helping someone before so I guess what works for one does not work for another.

I am sad that you are so overwhelmed right now and I wish you the best in your healing and recovery.

 

[Nothing]

@gizmo, I think for me, the past is so painful I'd rather live in this dream, hence me wondering if it's actually better that I do dissociate than not. Not sure if that makes any sense?

A few years back I dissociated away 48 hours of my life, woke up in hospital having tried to cut off my ear and all of my hair (badly done). Was very distressed as I didn't know how I got there or what had happened. Had gone to bed and woke up with a bearded man with hospital gear on looking at me telling me I was in hospital. That was scary and distressing, and very humiliating.

But to go from wanting to kill myself, and all these memories, and reliving them thinking I was back there to the point where I'm confusing people in my present for my own siblings/father, and yesterday being terrified that my son was dead (I saw a number of siblings die) and checking on him over and over to make sure he's ok (he's a happy healthy baby so it's really ridiculous). Hating how I look because I can see my mum, and starting to think I'm becoming my mum even though I know that's impossible. And having the scream just continue on in my head, the scream I couldn't make years ago but had in my head back then. To go from all that to nothing and then not being able to feel anything at all was a relief. And now I'm back to my normal me where most of the time I don't feel much of anything at all apart from a general sadness and I can just do what I need to do in daily life on autopilot, feeling like everything is a dream. It's not a constant thing, the dissociation changes, pane of glass to blanking out to floating over my head to looking at myself in third person. Then there are the intrusive memories and the flashbacks. But I get through and dissociate again. I prefer the dissociation to the intrusive memories and the flashbacks. I don't know if that's crazy or normal or what.

It's all very confusing so I'm sorry about that, I find it very hard to explain. Reading it over I think I must be mad.

 

[Nothing]

Oh and thank you @gizmo and @Notsowild for replying, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

 

[HelenB]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and would say that for you only you can know what is safe. I know for me I came to the point when I realised that actually what I was doing wasn't really safe. The shutting down never actually stopped the things which were happening, and in a way the disassociation was another way of hating that little girl (me) and just shutting her down completely.

For me it got to the point when I could not shut her down completely anyhow, and I realised how much energy it took and that I just could not do it any more, but also as I gained more and more compassion for myself in the place I was then, I realised that actually what I really needed as that little girl, was to actually find a place of real safety in that place, which wasn't shutting it out, but finally allowing myself to bring it together, feel the emotions and work through them, so she could finally be free, and not trapped in that scary place with all the bad things which happened to her, while I just felt angry with myself and did everything I could to keep it all shut away, because I just could not face it and the pain at all.

I don't know how much sense that makes, but its kind of the way I see the journey I am still on. In that little girl place I do still find it very hard, and the self destruct feelings you describe are ones I know I relate to so well to, and still find so scary, but though it is hard, and I do still find that I do run away and just shut down in many ways when it gets too hard, I do know I really am committed to working through, and no longer having to do this any more, and know when I can find safety in all those places, that only then can I find real freedom and healing.

I hope this ramble helps a bit, and am pretty tired so hope it is somehow coherent, and really do hope that however you find it, that you are able to find safety in all those parts, and am also sorry that you are having such a hard time at the moment.

Helen

 

[TimeToHeal]

Dissociation, as I understand it, is a survival/coping mechanism. When things are just too traumatic, too painful, too overwhelming, our brains adapt and find ways to cope.

I don't think, at this stage of healing, along with all the stuff you currently have going on, that it's necessarily a "bad" thing. It's what you know, it works, it's serving a purpose. I'd like to think as you progress in therapy and learn and practice new coping methods, that you won't need to dissociate anymore, or at least not as severely or as often.

But right now, it's keeping you able to function when nothing else is helping. I would encourage you to discuss this with your therapist though, see what their thoughts are.

As for not crying or showing emotion when telling of your awful abuse, it's pretty common. I'm the same way, and my therapist says she sees it all the time. "Numbing out," another coping method and prominent symptom of PTSD.

Hang in there, you're doing great! :)

Safe :hug: to you.

 

[Asptsd]

I like to call it "bookmarking" because I imagine it saving my sanity for me for when I come back.

 

[greenleaf]

@Nothing, we are all glad that you survived as a little girl and that you are here now. What an incredibly difficult few days. There are really no words that can fully convey some things; one has to hope at least some of the readers are willing to feel what the words mean.

Dissociation can really be helpful! I understand totally about smiling and laughing while talking about stuff. You're surviving. Sometimes it has felt for me that talking like that has kept a part of me from being forgotten, and is sort of the only way I've had to bear witness to what happened, but that that part of me has been just watching the world and still there unchanged though not totally separate, for me.

...the painful stuff doesn't have to be so overwhelming, though; you wouldn't usually have to deal with such a terrible few days with a good therapist. It is actually possible to work in therapy at feeling the real feelings slowly, a tiny bit at a time, with breaks. For me that seems to be really starting to help reduce my fear of them. The taking care of oneself/ taking positive breaks part is crucial! The dissociation seems to be a brain's way of enforcing the breaks, it's like a shut-off valve.
The other part is that I started to realize that I wanted to feel positive emotions more fully, that they can be amazingly rewarding; getting old stuff out seems to be adding dimensions to my world sometimes, is actually worth the pain.

p.s. my latest completely inappropriate thought has been that we should be able to put dissociation on our resumes as a job skill.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Dissociation is deceptive in that when we dissociate we FEEL safer, but we are actually UNsafe. That is, dissociation protects our minds and makes us mentally safe, however if we are not grounded in the present moment, dissociation may actually put us into unsafe situations where we are unable to protect ourselves from others. True safety means that we are both mentally and physically safe. Unfortunately in the case of dissociation, our physical safety is compromised in an effort to save our minds.

 

[MissMacD]

Dissociation is a coping mechanism. My trauma went on for years so when something bad happened I was able to check out of my mind until the event was over.

 

[Nothing]

Thank you for the replies, sorry I didn't reply yesterday, I wanted to last night and went on the computer to try, but too much was happening here and I felt like I was going to explode.