It will be 10yrs in October I started my healing and still dissociate in highly charged, interpersonal situations.
This last time I was camping in a festival atmosphere and was flirting, eye contact, with a woman. We talked a little and took a selfie together. Our eyes met...I could feel her move in for a kiss...and I froze!
It’s happened before where I went to put my arm around someone...I go blank, emotionless, can respond but not appropriately for the given situation.
Needless to say things don’t end well, I alienate the person and that moment is gone.
It’s not like I haven’t experienced intimacy before, although I can now see/feel how tense I was in every day life, and just vegged out through most situations, mostly interpersonal.
So I have progressed...I don’t hate myself for it, understand and am self empathetic.
But at 62, never married, it seems like that true connection is as far out of reach for me as it ever has.
It also really pains me that I hurt these people. I can see their distress after this happens as a rejection and am tired of hurting myself and others.
Thanks for reading. Any thoughts, comments or suggestions appreciated.
This last time I was camping in a festival atmosphere and was flirting, eye contact, with a woman. We talked a little and took a selfie together. Our eyes met...I could feel her move in for a kiss...and I froze!
It’s happened before where I went to put my arm around someone...I go blank, emotionless, can respond but not appropriately for the given situation.
Needless to say things don’t end well, I alienate the person and that moment is gone.
It’s not like I haven’t experienced intimacy before, although I can now see/feel how tense I was in every day life, and just vegged out through most situations, mostly interpersonal.
So I have progressed...I don’t hate myself for it, understand and am self empathetic.
But at 62, never married, it seems like that true connection is as far out of reach for me as it ever has.
It also really pains me that I hurt these people. I can see their distress after this happens as a rejection and am tired of hurting myself and others.
Thanks for reading. Any thoughts, comments or suggestions appreciated.