I inner story tell every night and i knew about that, rumination (deep thinking) ok i can see...
Hello LFS: In my experience and those of published therapists whose work I've found to be my salvation (Tara Brach: Radical Acceptance; Peter Walker: Complex PTSD; Paul Gilbert; Alice Miller), YES: anxiety, depression, perfectionism, rumination, self criticism, self judging and even resistance to meditation (including the story telling that our mind won't be still), are all dissociation techniques we've learned through mirroring people at home or in society. People with PTSD do it. Normally neurotic folks do it too. And these can be very useful defense/self-protection mechanisms that shield us from deeper emotions that overwhelm our body/hearts/minds: shame, self loathing, anger, grief, sadness and more. If you think about it anxiety keeps our mind whirling to circumvent disaster: for example: if I don't do all these lists before leaving work tonight I won't relax at home; did I put that item on the list? What if I don't get time to do it? ETC. But through meditation one can come to see these are ways of dissociating from a deep fear that we aren't good enough to be in the job we're in (this is a slight but common example of same). Meditation helps me see the surface emotions: anxiety, depression etc. that are protecting me from that sense of shame and self-loathing I got from my neglectful childhood. I learned to try and do things perfectly to get approval, love, protection (which never came BTW). The anxiety was the alarm system I used to keep me on that treadmill BUT it's only a surface level emotion. Much deeper is the shame, grief, vulnerablity, loneliness, feeling of being abandoned which need to be allowed and released through my body and in the present moment. Meditation doesn't mean thinking about things that bother us but feeling the sensations in the body of how that experience of unpleasant/pleasant emotions IS for us now. An important step therein is to build self compassion tools: telling ourselves its okay to be angry, fearful, ashamed etc. To soothe ourselves with a hand on the heart and saying: its okay. I'm safe now. Coming to realise many of our emotional responses are cultural and taught to us through what we see in society, our family or the religion we belong to. Just because someone else says it's so doesn't mean its so: beliefs are only thoughts. Thoughts are only brain pop corn. Only our own experience in the moment and in the body will tell us what is right for us.In Western Society children are taught early to ignore or disown the body's natural reaction to distress: tears, tantrums etc. We have to befriend the body in meditation so the ignored physical and emotional responses are allowed space to come out, be seen and respected.
I'm 63. I tried meditating for 40 years. I could never sit longer than 5 minutes without my monkey mind judging me as unable to do it and making me stop. I thought there was something wrong with me. Then 5 years ago I made the commitment. I made myself lie down alertly twice a day for 5 minutes. It wasn't easy. I built up longer sessions over time. My mind was trained over 57 years to protect me from the feelings meditation would free. I judged even when I was thinking when its okay to have thoughts during meditation. I judged I hadn't started meditating earlier. I wasn't very compassionate to myself. I did an 8 week mindfulness course. Now five years on I meditate at least 1 hour in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. It's liberating. My body, heart and mind now require it. It hasn't been easy. Lots of deep emotions keep coming up but after 3 years I started getting real balance. What I thought was 60 years of constant anxiety is a response I name now when it comes up, sit with it, befriend it and it often dissipates shortly thereafter when I've discovered what's really bothering me. I've learned how to comfort myself using the advice from the therapists above I mentioned. I don't attend a therapist but I have in the past. Not one understood Complex PTSD. Pete Walker's book was a watershed: he was describing my symptoms and giving me practical tools as well as a compassionate heart that I could use myself. I also listen to daily dharma talks. Often they provide ways of handling emotional trauma that I've found useful including from Oran J. Sofer (via the insightmeditationcenter website) and Tara Brach via dharmaseed).
I pass all of the above on in case its helpful to any reader of this post. I took meditation on as an experiment. I was at rock bottom. The experiment has worked for me. I wish you well! xxJ
