Dissociation

[Sideways]

@xraydave - Would you consider starting a thread in the Discussion forum about the hypervigilance thing, because I think you raise some interesting points that members might like discussing/hearing about, but this isn't the place.

To the OP, have you got some strategies in place to have another go at seeking some support? I think it really could be life changing for you. Sadly, you aren't alone in hitting a homophobic brick wall - there are other members here who have encountered all sorts of hideous discrimination when trying to get support. It's important for your own same not to give up because of one ignorant @rse...

 

[xraydave]

my interpreting your statement xray in the most literal way possible does not mean i have cogniti...

nah i dont want to fight with you. i dont want to be a 'moral highground person' either. i think i am like that, but i dont want to be. and im trying not to. i just dont like people triggering me, maybe dont reply to my posts next time? (not in an offensive way, just a precautionary way, to not sidetrack any future OPs)

hopefully i am making sense now. basically just dont bother pointing stuff out about my crappy posts. :/

 

[EveHarrington]

nah i dont want to fight with you. i dont want to be a 'moral highground person' either. i think i am...

Throwing blame my way for the sidetracking? Actually my question was relevant because after you would have supposedly answered with where you live, my follow up reply to the OP would have been something along the lines of "that experience is the exception, homophobia does indeed exist and is still very much a widespread problem. I hope you can find a safe treatment provider". I am very cognizant about not taking threads off topic unless I know the OP and know they won't mind a random OT reply (but it still fits in somehow.) Please don't assume you know where I'm going with a thought when I ask a question-----my ideas are sometimes a bit different than others and I ask questions for clarification before making a reply. My intent wasn't to "attack" you (your words, not what happened) rather to gain clarity. If you cannot handle people asking questions I urge you to write what you mean, mean what you write, and proofread 5 times before hitting submit.

 

[xraydave]

Throwing blame my way for the sidetracking? Actually my question was relevant because after you w...

Nevermind. Forget i even mentioned it. I hope you will see my mention of you and others on this thread in my new forum thread as non-threatening, as this argument touches on a topic i wanted to talk about myself.

i hope you see that forum thread as clarity, rather than an attack.

 

[SMW83]

That sounds irrational. I dont think anyone would view you negatively for your relationship with anoth...

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. I appreciate everyone's POV and am sorry that it has caused such a heated debate.

Firstly, I would like to clarify that I am not saying the doctor was homophobic. It may have been the case if I was a male and had suffered from domestic violence from a female partner. All I know is that I felt like I wasn't taken seriously and due to the manner in which the doctor conducted themselves it took me a year and considering taking my own life to get any sort of help (during which my 'illness' became progressively worse and I believe is one of the main reasons I am the position I am now as I was not offered help when said help would have been beneficial).

I have had cognitive behavioural therapy via telephone however this was stopped by the therapist after around 10 sessions as they felt I need longer term help. I am currently waiting to see what that 'help' will entail.

 

[joeylittle]

@xraydave - just a few things, to clarify some things about the way this forum works:

i just dont like people triggering me, maybe dont reply to my posts next time?

What you'll actually want to do is put any member whose posts you don't wish to see on 'ignore'. You can click on their avatar or username to get their profile pop-up, and you'll see the 'ignore' option there.

It's up to you to manage your own triggers; others can post as they like. Since we all have triggers and they are all different, it's much more effective for individual members to take individual responsibility.

I just dont see why it is so difficult to see a post, and think 'hmm that looks a bit wrong, but he's obviously hypervigilant and has ptsd, and can have emotional and cognitive processing difficulties so maybe i will look over it without questioning him like he is some dictator or authority over the issue'

Relating to the above: since we all can have blind spots, were we to overlook all of each others' symptoms all of the time, we'd all be missing out on opportunities to have our own distortions pointed out to us. This is a support forum, but one that encourages active response, not mind-reading.

I'm not sure how anyone could have gotten hyper vigilance from your posts, without leaping to assumptions about you, something else we try and avoid. Not everyone here has the same symptom set.

I'm not offering any of this as a provocation - merely a desire to clarify the dynamic here on the forum. I'm the admin, that's my job. Since you are relatively new - you were here for awhile, briefly, gone and now back - I'd encourage you to keep an open mind and learn the dynamic of this particular community, rather than starting from an idea about how you'd expect a PTSD forum to work.

One of the reasons I am struggling to get help is, I believe, because this was a gay relationship. I feel because it was two males, that it hasn't been taken as seriously as if it were a heterosexual relationship or if I was a woman.

This doesn't surprise me at all. Even if you're dealing with someone who isn't homophobic per se, I think there is a general misunderstanding about gay male relationships - that they exist on one of two emotional extremes; either they are hyper-feminized, or they are hyper-masculine and therefore, violent by choice. And, since you're a man, you're already at a disadvantage to be understood as the abused partner in a relationship, because statistically, more women are domestically abused.

I do want to challenge the notion that you wouldn't be able to handle seeing a male practitioner, though. I'm not saying it's not true, but have you tried?

I appreciate everyone's POV and am sorry that it has caused such a heated debate.

Nothing to apologize for. And welcome - glad you're here.

 

[xraydave]

@joeylittle I dont know why you're only quoting me, there are others here who said similiar things, especially in regard to triggers. But nonetheless, I will keep this in mind for next time.

Hey if it makes you feel any better, I will not post at all and deal with this stuff on my own?


@SMW83 I'm sorry about causing a heated debate on here somehow. I really do think I could have helped you, but I'm sure you would prefer to use psychotherapy resources from someone else haha not from this guy who got into this debate on here, and lost his cool.

though CBT is quite on the right track. I've been suicidal myself as well, but ive gotten way past that point too. I'm glad to hear you have taken the steps toward getting some form of help for these PTSD issues.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey if it makes you feel any better, I will not post at all and deal with this stuff on my own!

I don't have any feelings about it one way or the other, and as I said - wasn't meaning to provoke, only to explain. I'm quoting you because you are the one asking other people to intuit your triggers and alter their response; that's the opposite of how things work best here.

 

[Sideways]

@SMW83 - I've been on the receiving end of "I think you need a different therapist", and it was really discouraging and deflating for me...okay, I had a complete meltdown and decided I was clearly beyond help. That is not the case, for me or you. Hopefully it will ultimately result in a better fit for you therapeutically, and better progress overall.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I do agree that you need a new Dr! This happened to me twice in the last 7 yrs, one of those times made it outside, through a small field (maybe 20 yards) and 'woke up' sitting on the train tracks. Thats was very scary. So i 'get' what you mean though it would be a hella scarier if they happened often. Oh what does happen more often is i hurt myself in my sleep and waking up with blood on your hands is like you're in a horror movie! That i totally get! Its scarier than hell not knowing what happened!

It sounds like you've taken great steps on keeping yourself as safe as possible but just keeping thinking of more ways to do that.

I cant tell from the post and reply if your Dr is homophobic but it does happen.

That sounds irrational. I dont think anyone would view you negatively for your relationship with another man in this day and age.

Actually my therapist just told me he has a therapist friend in another State where she can now refuse any patient that doesnt hold her same belief, any belief. Religon, sexual preference, anything. Its so wrong but happens so its not irrational thinking but it is irrational practice and it does happen in this day and age everywhere. Its sad but it does.

@SMW83 I agree that you need a new Dr and I agree with @joeylittle try a male Dr. I personally have to see male Drs as females terrify the f*ck out of me but sometimes having that male view changes things? If you dont like them you can always try another female.

At home visits are better in my opinion as face to face in person is always better which is also why i advised a male. It doesnt hurt to try, right? If that doesnt work you can try another (a different) female therapist online but if you do that, read, read, read up on them as much as you can. I go off of patient/customer/consumer reviews myself, of anything, as the person had an experience with this person (or seller, item etc) so those personal experiences can help a lot in picking a good doctor.

Good luck to you hon! Im so sorry this is happening and i hope you find a good and caring doctor!

 

[Joie]

Hello @SMW83 : I'm really sorry about your distress and the situation you are currently in. I can imagine the anxiety, fear, confusion and other overwhelming emotions. I see you are in the UK and I'm reminded of the Anna Friel character in the current TV drama, Marcello, whose PTSD flashbacks also have her dissociating in blackouts. I hope you've tried the NHS and explicitly asked for a therapist with considerable PTSD and/or Complex PTSD experience? Also, if you google Paul Gilbert's work in compassionate therapy you'll quickly find a variety of therapists in that area...some will want payment where the NHS doesn't, but I'm connected to a forum where many NHS compassionate trained and PTSD focused therapist share experience so I know they are there and are broadly located across Britain.

It can be that after such relationships of violence we enter into a hamster wheel of flashbacks, unrealised shame (even though we weren't the violent party) and triggers of childhood traumas that may have primed us to choose unhealthy relationships. I am not saying that is the case with you. But hidden shame is such an overwhelming component with some PTSD situations: hidden because we judge ourselves sometimes for being in such situations--despite it often being beyond out control. But culturally, there is often an unfair and absolutely baseless blaming of victims which inadvertently silences them and keeps them from seeking help.

Dissociation seems to be a way we humans distract from overwhelming emotions as they arise. Dissociation can come in the form of inner story telling, ruminatin, anxiety, self criticism, addictions, memory losses, blackouts and more. I've found that slowly sitting and allowing small chunks of those emotions to arise during meditation and then building up to allowing myself to feel those emotions un-stifled and un-judged, has been the best healer. But it's not easy to see the resistance to such emotions as the mind plays so many tricks to keep them hidden (because we've cultivated our minds to do so in long ago created patterns of protection and self-defense). And its hard to catch the flash back triggers in time. I found Pete Walkers book on Complex PTSD a life saver.

I wish you the best of luck with your search for a more caring and compassionate therapist. You aren't crazy: you've just been through trauma. You need someone who sees you, hears you, witnesses your distress, is empathetic and confident in their own ability to offer you a safe environment to process what you've been through. May that happen for you soon! Best, J

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Dissociation can come in the form of inner story telling, ruminatin, anxiety, self criticism, addictions, memory losses, blackouts and more.

I inner story tell every night and i knew about that, rumination (deep thinking) ok i can see that if its very deep, def memory loss, but anxiety, self critisim, addictions is dissociation?

I've found that slowly sitting and allowing small chunks of those emotions to arise during meditation and then building up to allowing myself to feel those emotions un-stifled and un-judged, has been the best healer.

For me (sorry to reply for myself but i also struggle with it) i cant seem to meditate as my mind is extremely loud, gets louder if i try to quiet it, i cant seem to quiet it, and i cant make anything out if i leave it and 'take what i get' and just try to sit with it. Not only can i not make any of it out but also i cant stand how loud it gets, makes me want to pull my head off; and I know that the emotions that may come if i could quiet my mind enough for them to come, would be very hard to handle as im at the super intense emotions that i cant seem to half way investigate or when i go close i cant handle the small fraction of it.

But i keep trying as i hear wonderful things about meditating.

I found Pete Walkers book on Complex PTSD a life saver.

I keep hearing about this book. Though i am stuck partly through 2 books and havent started 2 of them and im dyslexic so im unsure of adding yet another book but i may as everyone says its wonderful.