Dissociation

[SMW83]

Hi,

I was diagnosed with PTSD after leaving a very violent and controlling relationship. I have struggled greatly to get any form of help with my PTSD due to the fact I am virtually housebound due to my illness and any help would require me to visit venues outside of my home, which is impossible.

Over the past couple of months, usually when I am anxious or stressed I have began to have 'episodes' where it feels as though I am dreaming or watching what is happening at the time, from another point of view (apologies if my explanation doesn't make sense but is very hard to explain how I feel at the time when this happens). When I come out of this state, I usually cannot remember what has happened. This can be after a few minutes or several hours later.

I am somewhat concerned as on a number of occasions I have done things during these episodes such as having taken all of my medication, leaving my home and being somewhere I don't know or coming around with cut & bleeding hands. I am worried that I may unintentionally do something to myself or someone else during one of these episodes.

I have tried to talk to my doctor regarding this but as I said previously, it is very hard to explain. I do not know where to turn now but I am afraid that I may do something irreparable to myself or possibly someone else, during these episodes.

Any advice or assistance anyone can offer will be greatly received.

 

[mary1979]

Wait, what? You TOLD your doctor that you get into such states that you take all your medication, wake up bloody and bruised with no idea how you came to be where you are at and are concerned about the safety of both yourself and others, yet nothing is done because you struggle to EXPLAIN why?

Honey, you need a new doctor.
Before you do something to yourself that cant be undone.

Lots here speak of disassociating in a manner similar to your description, I dont think this is something totally new or previously undescribed, your doctor either has absolutely no experience with mental illness, or is negligent.

I say this next bit with no judgement or malice intended, it comes from a place of concern.

FORCE yourself to take steps to get help.
Spend a few hours on google sourcing the help you need.
MAKE yourself leave the house, and attend an appointment.
Hell, front up at an ER.

Where I am from in a small country town, I was able to have a visiting social worker.
She came to my home because I was isolated with young children and had no transport. This was 20 years ago when mental health was still viewed as weak minded.
The resources are there, you just have to find them.
And perhaps leave your comfort zone temporarily to MAKE it happen.

I cant speak from experience, when I detach it is only emotionally, I'm still here, and able to manage basic levels of self care.
What you are experiencing sounds scary. And dangerous.
You need to be taken seriously.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

This sort of thing happens to me. Its totally scary to have a part that is convinced that destruction is okay (or, in my case, actively seeking destruction) and feel like the part of you that wants health and success can't control it.

Where are you located? I can only speak for the resources that the U.S. has.

 

[Sideways]

I can't speak for where you are, but here, we have doctors that will do home visits and psychiatrists that will skype and my T usually sees me at my place. There are solutions.

In the meantime, can you piece together at all what happened when you were out of it? How you got the injuries? And is there any way of making it harder for yourself to wander off when you're out of it? Like leaving the front door locked and changing the spot where you usually leave your keys? I've also left empty glass bottles or glasses stacked up against the inside lf the front door so when I open it, they crash as they fall over to help snap me out of it...

 

[xraydave]

Hi, I was diagnosed with PTSD after leaving a very violent and controlling relationship. I have struggled greatly to get any form of help with my PTSD due to the fact I am virtually housebound due to my illness and any help would require me to visit venues outside of my home, which is impossible.

Buddy, it seem as though this illness is so debilitating that it has given you some form of social phobia . I feel so bad for you, but there is hope out there for people like us.

PTSD is an umbrella term for a series of behavioural patterns which are maladaptive and can no longer serve the purpose that they were created for. This is not your fault, and you should not feel ashamed of whatever it causes you to do or withdraw from.

I feel the same way. I feel like it not only affects my 'dreaming' but there are biological factors which allow memory and other cognitive processes to go haywire as well. My memory is weak when it comes to 'connecting the dots' and remembering names of places, and that can cause disorientation in space, as well as 'feeling in a dream' as a separate but sometimes mixed psychiatric symptom of this.

It's also like I cant read words, and emphatically respond to them, as well as i could.

All of this shit, it is a mental or psychological illness still, and it can be resolved with further help. Believe it or not, your hypervigilance or your ability to 'see danger where there is no danger' (fact # 1 of PTSD), is a faulty pattern, and it can be resolved. You just need to realize it.

Adding to all that. self-realization is key. it's how you can get out of it. mindfulness helps too. if you want any help with dealing with the psychological aspect (and hence the social aspect) talk to me, and i can give some pointers in the right direction. at least so far as you can step outside the house again to get help.

Also, you can call* some one about this, a doctor or a clinic and discuss alternative options, maybe someone can come over and help you at home?

 

[SMW83]

I can't speak for where you are, but here, we have doctors that will do home visits and psychiat...

Thank you for your reply.

I am from the UK.

I have recently purchased a lock box to store my medication in and place the keys for that and my house keys in hard to reach places so it is harder for me to access my medication or leave my home during these episodes. It is hard to recall what happens during these episodes as I live alone. The only reason I know they have happened is for instance, waking up with cut hands or finding my medication has gone.

I am in a very difficult situation with regards to this as this was a gay relationship and I don't think the doctors took it as seriously as say a heterosexual/male and female relationship. It was kind of disregarded by my doctor initially and took me almost a year and to the point I was suicidal, that any help was given by them. Due to what happened in my relationship, I am extremely distrustful and wary of people in general, however it is almost impossible to communicate/meet with male doctors/therapist/social worker. Because of this and the fact I am a male, although home visits are an option, they will not allow a female doctor/therapist/social worker to visit me at home which makes getting help even harder.

 

[SMW83]

Buddy, it seem as though this illness is so debilitating that it has given you some form of social pho...

Thank you for your reply.

I did just write a reply to all the posts but it seems to have disappeared. One of the reasons I am struggling to get help is, I believe, because this was a gay relationship. I feel because it was two males, that it hasn't been taken as seriously as if it were a heterosexual relationship or if I was a woman. When leaving the relationship and trying to get help, I was met with indifference by my doctor. It took a year and me seriously considering suicide that the doctor actually took notice. Because of what happened in my relationship I am very wary and distrustful of people in general, however it is impossible for me to meet with/converse with a male doctor/therapist/social worker yet because I am male they will not let a female doctor/therapist/social worker visit me at home.

 

[xraydave]

Thank you for your reply.

I did just write a reply to all the posts but it seems to have disappeared. On...

That sounds irrational. I dont think anyone would view you negatively for your relationship with another man in this day and age. At least find someone who can accept you for who you are.

Do you want to some resources to help deal with this stuff? Have you been in therapy for PTSD before? Do you want to talk more about how to solve the more psychological issues and make a plan to getting over these symptoms? (Just inbox me if yes for the last)

 

[Sideways]

I'd like to believe that it's irrational that you weren't taken seriously because of homophobia, but sadly, I actually don't doubt that for a second. So on behalf of the human race, I'd like to be one of the people that reassures your that ptsd can happen to anyone, because trauma can happen to anyone, and I'm sorry you've had lousy experiences with health care to date.

But please don't give up. I think this is something that you do need to talk to a doctor about, and somehow, some way, you have to make that happen. The quality of your life could improve immensely with the right help - you don't (annd shouldn't) go through this alone.

Are there any friends or family you can reach out to for support? They don't have to know the detail, but helping you get to a doctor would be a good start...

 

[EveHarrington]

That sounds irrational. I dont think anyone would view you negatively for your relationship with anoth...

Can you please tell me where you live? I really would like to know where on the planet there is zero discrimination against gay people.

 

[xraydave]

Can you please tell me where you live? I really would like to know where on the planet there is z...

since this is the second time youve felt the need to question my standpoint, i need to advise, if you have a problem with me, just say it. dont try to merely tease apart everything i say, sometimes it is misconstrued and inaccurate when you view it one way, but totally reasonable when you see it another . also, ZERO people on this ptsd forum are here for an argument or a debate. there are debating forums for that.
what i am saying is i dont agree that ALL doctors and other trained medical professionals are homophobic. OP just has to find one worth visiting, and that shouldnt deter treatment of his serious illness.

 

[Sideways]

@xraydave - just a couple of things, first there is actually lots of healthy, helpful debate goes on here. People aren't always going to agree with you. That doesn't make it a personal attack, just human.

Second, you're first post, now that you've clarified, I see what you meant. But it did read a lot like you were suggesting the OP was thinking irrationally by suggesting that homophobia was interfering with getting proper treatment. Maybe not what you meant, but that's how it read. I actually responded to your post the way I did because homophobia is (unfortunately) still everywhere, including in the medical profession. This is by no means the first member to have experienced it in relation to their treatment. The suggestion that the OP was irrational for thinking that (which is just how it sounded) was pretty invalidating.

It's great that you've cleared that up, and it turns out that we're all on the same page, which is "definitely look for better quality help, because homophobia is unacceptable". All agreeing here - that's great:)