DID Dissociative identity disorder confirmed

[theshadowoftheliving]

I don't know what to think. I think I knew it was true but yesterday my therapist confirmed that she does believe that I have DID.

I'm alternating between panic and relief.

I'm relieved to know but I'm also panicked because it seems worst-case in some ways.

And I feel alone again. So utterly alone because I can't tell anyone at all.

 

[ladee]

Well you told us and who better to tell than a group who understands and many have the same issue.
Others with DID wI'll help and help you understand and help you with like issues.
Good place to start.

 

[BlueOrange]

You're not alone. Those of us with a DID diagnosis are here, and (like you) we're not monsters.

I understand the fear of this particular diagnosis, it took me months to come to terms with it. It's been a great comfort to me, seeing you talk about the fear of the diagnosis; telling you all the things I needed to hear.

You have more information than before. And you'll get used to it.

 

[FireSign8]

Does it help to know that you are in possession of "special powers"? I am thankful for my DID! Without it, I would most likely be dead or in a coma. I stopped worrying about it years ago & having DID is helpful for some of us when we have those night terror dreams & wake up in a cold sweat! :wacky:

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thank you for acknowledging this, @ladee

I understand the fear of this particular diagnosis, it took me months to come to terms with it. It's been a great comfort to me, seeing you talk about the fear of the diagnosis; telling you all the things I needed to hear.

I'm glad that this has been helpful for you. I wish it wasn't true, though. I wish that I was just overreacting - that would be easier. This feels scary and unknown.

Does it help to know that you are in possession of "special powers"?

Right now it doesn't feel like special powers. It feels scary and overwhelming and lonely and unknown. I'm having trouble seeing this as positive. I'm having trouble seeing this as anything other than really, really awful news.

I'm trying to stay calm but it feels like my world is upended and will never, ever be the same. I feel broken beyond repair.

 

[ladee]

@theshadowoftheliving, I can not imagine how overwhelmed you must feel right now. And I appreciate you telling us how scared you are.
But people like @BlueOrange are here to help you. With experiance of healing and how setbacks were handled.
Does your T have a plan , or given you suggestions on reading material?
People here will help you.
Possibly Read around the forum of DID issues. Get a feel for the feedback you would receive.
You are not alone.

 

[BlueOrange]

I'm glad that this has been helpful for you. I wish it wasn't true, though.

Yep.

I am filled rage and bitter sadness that we have this in common, that you have a reason to share this with me. And I'm filled with gratitude that you do share this with me.

One thing that we are both very good at is identifying the bits of reality that we don't like, and adjusting our minds so that we don't have to know them anymore. Unfortunately, that strategy doesn't always work out well, especially in the long term.

You're letting yourself see this much. There's a part of you that thinks you can handle this. I couldn't admit to the fear until after I had the diagnosis. So that's one way where you're doing better than I did.

It starts getting better. You'll start to have more control over yourself. It'll hurt, a lot. And you'll get better at feeling pain, better at coping with it. You'll stop using one pain to distract yourself from another. You'll find ways to get the pieces to fit together, and you'll stop getting cut on jagged edges.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm glad for you that you have confirmation. You and your T will work this out, but there is no hurry. I think it takes time to assimilate a diagnosis like this. It is inevitable that you will experience all sort s of emotions and thoughts while you are coming to terms with it.

 

[whiteraven]

Ditto what everybody else said. I remember when we got our diagnosis. (Well, I don't really. My therapist gave it to one of my alters, and I found out by accident, but that's another story.) I was freaked out, even though I already knew. See, that's the thing. You are not any different now with the diagnosis, right? A diagnosis is just a label. A way to help professionals categorize folks and develop and streamline treatment for them. But you haven't changed any. You are the same you that you were before your diagnosis. You're just finding ways to understand you better.

I am always here to answer questions if I can.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm never sure about the line that you are still the same person after diagnosis. I find any major diagnosis, medical or psychological changes my perception of myself, and that of necessity changes who I am. So to told I have a cold or throat infection is a transient thing that doesn't impact, but to be told that I have Chronic Kidney Disease has an impact on who I am. I have become a person whose life may well be shortened and who has to think in the long term that I may be tied to dialysis. I am reminded of my physical vulnerability.

It takes time to adjust to that knowledge and to assimilate it. Once that process is completed, I am still different from the person I thought I was before. The shock of adjustment and the associated pain may be complete, but the change remains. I'm finding the same thing for my DDNOS diagnosis. I was pretty sure before it was made official that I would fit that box. Yet actually being told so has tipped me into a difficult process of coming to terms with what it means for me. I am having to recognise that things I had regarded as trivial are actually symptoms of a serious condition. I am forced to acknowledge that my mind is not always the reliable tool I thought it was. This has to be an extensive and life changing process of adjustment.

@theshadowoftheliving I'm sorry I've written wholly about myself. If this isn't your experience, disregard me.

 

[BlueOrange]

@Sandstone , I think that's an important point you made. Knowledge does change us. And, as people with DID, there's a lot of instability. And yet, part of the way that I changed was that I started to recognize that I hadn't changed.

I've changed the way I present myself, and I've hidden thoughts and memories from myself. But there's a 'who I am' that is deeper than that. That deeper 'who I am' has been visible when you look at the long term patterns. I am a person who:

When faced with a problem that I can't understand, will go to extraordinary lengths to find a way of dealing with it (all the way over to forgetting anything that interferes with my ability to address the problem).

Has always preferred to avoid harming others.

Looks for new answers (new personalities even) when the established answers don't work.

Always aims to contribute something different to any group that I'm a part of.

Those things have remained constant. Some of them are features of DID. Others are genuinely mine.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It starts getting better. You'll start to have more control over yourself. It'll hurt, a lot. And you'll get better at feeling pain, better at coping with it. You'll stop using one pain to distract yourself from another. You'll find ways to get the pieces to fit together, and you'll stop getting cut on jagged edges.

I'm so afraid of the pain. It is what I've spent a lifetime running from. I don't want to be in pain and I don't want to deal with pain. Period. I just don't want it and I terrified that I can't avoid it - opening this rabbit hole has started to unravel things that I don't think I can ravel back together any more.

I am having to recognise that things I had regarded as trivial are actually symptoms of a serious condition. I am forced to acknowledge that my mind is not always the reliable tool I thought it was. This has to be an extensive and life changing process of adjustment.

I feel this, too. I wrote a lot of this stuff off as meaningless but now I see it as part of this larger problem, and thus, as things I have to address. My career and identity has been built on my mind and its powers, and admitting that it isn't working makes me terrified that everything I've done is just a sham.

I've changed the way I present myself, and I've hidden thoughts and memories from myself. But there's a 'who I am' that is deeper than that. That deeper 'who I am' has been visible when you look at the long term patterns. I am a person who:

I'm shaken right now because I don't think I have this sense at all. I have no concept of who I am, and I really, really hate that.