Do I Have A Right To Ask My Spouse To Not Disclose My Ptsd To Others?

[hazen]

Thanks, Nicolette. You make a very valid point about the childhood issue. I probably should have thought twice about mentioning it, and I suppose that the main reason I did is that this is more of an anonymous place to talk about things and I wasn't going in to details...

But its a great point! Maybe she doesn't care and doesn't want me saying anything like that at all! Ugh.

 

[Nicolette]

I probably should have thought twice about mentioning it, and I suppose that the main reason I did is that this is more of an anonymous place to talk about things and I wasn't going in to details...

And I think it is with this intent that Supporters talk about PTSD - not to tell secrets or put their loved one in an unfavorable light.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that asking your SO if it's ok to divulge something (provided the subject is broached honestly and when they are in a good frame of mind) is very important for a sufferer because it affords respect and choice, things many of us have not been given or had during traumas, or afterwards. To me in that sense it actually turns what could be viewed (by the sufferer) as (very) shameful into a 'positive'.

I think it also helps to think, "How would you feel (about it)- truly- if the situation were reversed?"
JMHO, and I truly mean 'humble opinion'.

 

[Foxtrot]

Love this thread and the comments and reiterating again that I think you and your wife did well, hazen. She can't keep it bottled up inside or her head will pop off and you cutting her some slack on your part shows incredible understanding. This shit ain't easy for anyone involved.

 

[hazen]

Thanks, foxtrot! Its interesting... I told my wife I created this thread and she got uncomfortable. Not my intention at all and I felt a little bad about it, but she admitted that she understood how I must have felt. This stuff sucks for both of us and we have to talk about it somewhere! Making a relationship work takes a lot of effort and there are many things to be sensitive and respectful about, PTSD just being one of them for us.

So is the goal for me that I should be able to someday wear a sign that says "I HAVE PTSD FROM MY PARENTS ABUSING ME"? My wife had plenty of good reasons to talk about my PTSD... was my uncomfortable reaction a sign that I'm not OK with my own PTSD, that I'm minimizing it still? I am so happy I am seeing my T on Friday now I have tons of questions.

 

[Kintsugi]

So is the goal for me that I should be able to someday wear a sign that says "I HAVE PTSD FROM MY PARENTS ABUSING ME"?

I don't think so. At least, those signs have no fallen into fashion yet, though I'm sure that plenty of people have experienced this issue. >.<

I think the goal is probably a compromise or negotiation between you and your wife honoring your personal boundaries on this issue as well as meeting her needs for support? But I cannot tell you what your goals are of course.

Glad that you have a lot of ideas/questions. I'm sure bringing this up to your T will help in sorting it all out.

 

[hazen]

Yeah sorry I was getting a tad bit off topic from the thread there. I feel that we are making good compromises with this and we should be OK going forward. I'm glad you all were able to give me insight on this... I really appreciate it!

I also feel lucky that my since my wife knows PTSD (I seriously just asked if I could say this on here!) she is sensitive to my needs with this. Just now we were discussing my issues with sleep and she made some suggestions which were really insightful to how I feel about it. I think it would be harder for her to grasp my defensiveness surrounding sleep if she didn't understand PTSD. I don't know if you have to actually have it to really understand it though... apparently I should check out the Supporter/Carer part of this forum!

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't know if you have to actually have it to really understand it though... apparently I should check out the Supporter/Carer part of this forum!

My partner is not open to this, so no judgement if yours isn't either, but maybe the supporter section on this forum could help as a support for your wife? I don't know how she feels about the forum, but lots of supporters seem to be helped by participating here.

 

[hazen]

She might be, its a good question! She could even use our other cat as an avatar. How perfect would that be?

I shouldn't get excited she might say nooo thank you.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Just me, but I would be very angry. I hate when people talk about me . They never get it right anyway. HAving PTSD means a lot of things. What I feel is important may be left out.

 

[hazen]

Well she wasn't really talking about the circumstances of my PTSD, she was asking her friends for ideas about how to help me sleep, and because she gets stressed out thinking about me sleeping alone.

I have a hard time falling asleep because my parents used to beat me at night if I tried to stay awake and read. If my wife isn't sleeping next to me, it is almost impossible for me to relax enough to sleep at all. I get anxious thinking about a date months in the future where my wife won't be at home... and this makes her feel tons of guilt and stress.

So she talked to her friends about it to feel better. And I don't want her to feel guilty so I'm glad if her friends help her relax about it. Many nights she feels like she should stay awake to help me... but while that might help I would rather at least one of us gets enough sleep.

Now if she talked to random people about it, or if someone else was talking about it without my knowledge... yes then I would be furious. It definitely takes a lot of trust, but if I can't trust her then I won't ever trust anyone again. She knows everything!

 

[Kintsugi]

It definitely takes a lot of trust, but if I can't trust her then I won't ever trust anyone again.

This hit me hard as really valuable, Hazen. Thanks for sharing your insight.