So, I am starting to think I have cPTSD or PTSD.
I was sexually assaulted (probably!?) by this kid for 1-2 years (cant remember anything) when I was 6-8 years old (again, could be off by a year)
I havent told anyone this, and i am now 14 years old. My mom was an alcoholic before going to AA, and nobody really pays any attention to me. I often get blamed for things I didnt do (eg I get told im gaslighting for sitting on the armrest of a chair my dad is sitting in and that causes it to move/shake.)
But I have been experiencing dissociation, angry outbursts, emotional swings, etc, for as long as I can remember. I thought it was normal to feel like the world wasnt real, or to feel like you need to punch the wall, then feeling like your going to break down crying, than yelling, and then running away out of embarrassment. I am so polished when someone doesnt know me, I have been called a model student and a gifted kid and stuff, but everything feels fake. Its like- im going to die anyways. But im also going through puberty (ew) and basically now I hate myself MORE and its hard to tell what is due to my trauma and my surpressed shame and embarresment and perversion or puberty!?
Also, I told 3 people while it was happening to me and nobody cared (boys cant get raped, its your fault, etc.) My mom actually started yelling at me about how me saying that was disrespectful to people with "actual problems." I thought I was going off the deep end when my surpression turned into a mummy sitting in my doorway asking for his mom while slowly reaching out for me and sobbing. I drew him all the time, he had like 6 rows of purple eye bags and putrid, black pupils. I started feeling paranoid, and anxious, and dissociative, etc.
I surpressed my trauma so severely i had forgotten about it a month after it ended. But the paranoia and surpressed feelings kept getting worse
Now im here, 2 am on a sunday night, dissociating while listening to billie eilish's lovely, and trying to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with me.
So please help.
I was sexually assaulted (probably!?) by this kid for 1-2 years (cant remember anything) when I was 6-8 years old (again, could be off by a year)
I havent told anyone this, and i am now 14 years old. My mom was an alcoholic before going to AA, and nobody really pays any attention to me. I often get blamed for things I didnt do (eg I get told im gaslighting for sitting on the armrest of a chair my dad is sitting in and that causes it to move/shake.)
But I have been experiencing dissociation, angry outbursts, emotional swings, etc, for as long as I can remember. I thought it was normal to feel like the world wasnt real, or to feel like you need to punch the wall, then feeling like your going to break down crying, than yelling, and then running away out of embarrassment. I am so polished when someone doesnt know me, I have been called a model student and a gifted kid and stuff, but everything feels fake. Its like- im going to die anyways. But im also going through puberty (ew) and basically now I hate myself MORE and its hard to tell what is due to my trauma and my surpressed shame and embarresment and perversion or puberty!?
Also, I told 3 people while it was happening to me and nobody cared (boys cant get raped, its your fault, etc.) My mom actually started yelling at me about how me saying that was disrespectful to people with "actual problems." I thought I was going off the deep end when my surpression turned into a mummy sitting in my doorway asking for his mom while slowly reaching out for me and sobbing. I drew him all the time, he had like 6 rows of purple eye bags and putrid, black pupils. I started feeling paranoid, and anxious, and dissociative, etc.
I surpressed my trauma so severely i had forgotten about it a month after it ended. But the paranoia and surpressed feelings kept getting worse
Now im here, 2 am on a sunday night, dissociating while listening to billie eilish's lovely, and trying to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with me.
So please help.