Do I Have To Cry Or Feel To Heal?

[It's all my fault]

I'm dealing with my first trauma....sexual abuse. I'm 50 years old and have not gotten treatment yet for it. I finally told at age 47 when I literally lost my mind. Today my therapist wanted me to verbalized what my abuser said to me as I was continuing to hear it in my ear.

It was impossible so I said it in another language! She got it! Anyway, I'm having lots of PTSD symptoms because of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. My suicidality has lessened although is still there daily. I have the tools to stay safe. I'm just so sick of this. I don't want to talk about the abuse anymore, maybe I should just stuff it back in and go on with my life and just be miserable.

I really just want to tell her what happened, disconnected in a narrative voice, and have this processing be done. I know I need to cry, feel the emotions and grieve for my childhood lost but I don't know how. Any ideas on either bailing or pushing forward?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I don't want to talk about the abuse anymore, maybe I should just stuff it back in and go on with my life and just be miserable.

Yes, you could stuff it back in and, like you say yourself, you would be miserable. Stay in survival vs suicidal ideation mode. So that's option 1. But I also get the feeling that you do want to heal. You do want to be happy, have a good life. Everybody does. And it's definitely possible, if you hold on and fight long enough.

I know how you feel. I have no idea how to process the emotions of my trauma either. In fact, I can barely process any emotions in a healthy way. Right now I'm doing okay, I'm getting by. But that's just survival mode. I don't want to survive my life, I want to live it. So I'll have to get through the extremely hard part where the emotions are overwhelming.

In my opinion it would be best to try to fight for a better life. Right now you're miserable, so what do you have to lose really? It can't get much worse than it is, so I reckon it's worth a shot. What do you think?

 

[Notsowild]

I'm just so sick of this. I don't want to talk about the abuse anymore, maybe I should just stuff it back in and go on with my life and just be miserable. I really just want to tell her what happened, disconnected in a narrative voice, and have this processing be done. I know I need to cry, feel the emotions and grieve for my childhood lost but I don't know how. Any ideas on either bailing or pushing forward?

Im feeling the same way. My T asked me why I didn't cry? All my emotions are stuck inside and I'm afraid to let them out.

Just thought I'd let you know I understand what you're going through. I have no answer but I am curious what others think. Thanks for the thread

 

[ptsdsolution]

there is so much to process and the past can dig up all sorts of stuff often when you least expect and its something that is hard to control as there are triggers everywhere. I love this as it helps gain balance with those who come into and leave your life

“There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore,
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they
didn't make it to your future.”
― Adam Lindsay Gordon

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so feeling for you. I am 57. I did talk therapy for years and the results were negligible.

Have you considered other forms of therapy that access the emotional energy in the body? Somatic Experiencing, etc. You don't have to go into verbal detail to heal necessarily.

My personal opinion is yes, you need to feel to heal. But it is hard to access after years of burying it so traditional methods of therapy aren't so great for it - again IMO only.

I have also used energy healers to move the emotional energy (that began causing physical pain), and even a shaman, which was a tremendous experience.

We have nothing to lose (except money) and everything to gain by trying out every healing solution that makes sense to us on some level.

Nothing will change if we don't.

 

[The Albatross]

It took me the third time to not be as reactive. But Francis Marnie is right... nothing will change if we don't. I'm not big on crying anymore... but I don't avoid the feelings.

 

[The Albatross]

What do you expect will be so much more difficult than the original event? I had to ask myself that and decided, "nothing".

 

[It's all my fault]

Thanks everyone for understanding. I am seeing an advanced somatic experience practitioner. PHD. She is very nice and patient. Unfortunately, even her mentioning the word "body" freaks me out. We now have to use the word "soma"! She tries to do her thing but even thinking about my body in her presence is triggering at times. Ridiculous. I just feel like this is impossible even though she is a trauma specialist. We have tried EMDR and her sitting next to me made me dissociate. Mind you, I am fine with boundaries outside of her office. I hug my friends and family just fine. Her position and what she stands for is threatening. She has the ability to make me feel what I have suppressed for so long, and it's suppressed for a good reason-terror. It is not her, it is me. I just don't know if I should continue delving into the abuse because it's just hard. If I do it, it will make me suicidal, if I don't I'll remain suicidal. Either way is bad. I just want to be able to open up to her, cry my heart out and be done but this process is wrecking my life. That said, my life is already wrecked! So frustrating and don't know where to go.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You've learned many coping skills and are now at the point of processing? Is this correct? I'm just trying to figure out where you are in treatment.

EMDR isn't for everyone. When you talk about your trauma, do you end up reliving it? If you're dissociating, it seems that perhaps her techniques aren't good enough to keep you grounded.

 

[shell]

It took me over two years to even start getting over being numb and disconnected after 40 years of avoiding my emotions and my life, and there are times where I have felt like I have been hit by a tonne of waves, but they pass, they always pass.

It takes time to allow them in, and I still struggle to experience them in front of someone else. Little by little I found it easier to overcome my fear of emotions and to allow them in private, and now I have even cried in front of T, although I couldn't look at him. Only last week I vomited just from crying so much in private, it's still a learning curve, and letting my fear getting the best of me, doesn't help. Be patient with yourself it takes time to over come a life time of habits.

For me I couldn't stand the thought that I would go through life avoiding it, living in fear of everything including myself. We only get one life and I am really sad that I have lost 49 years of it, because of something that happened in the first 18 years. Go gently, and remember it will pass.