Do I Just Need To Accept That I've Been Beaten By My Own Resistance?

[barefoot]

if she leaves the door open for eventually doing the work that you want to do.

Yes, I think I need some reassurance that it's not necessarily a "no, never." It's a "not now...maybe some time in the future."

But I do think it's tied up with the timeframe stuff. As mentioned above, I can't see her agreeing an open-ended/long term arrangement when she knows I can't currently afford it, so that makes the "maybe someday" feel like something she can't really offer any reassurances about :-(

 

[barefoot]

@Suzetig - I know, it's very high. She's based in central London and works with pretty high end clients/exclusive industries. And me. Ha!
I have felt very lucky to have been able to work with her. But now her high fee means that I am relying on her to massively discount for me. And that leaves me feeling very uncertain and worried.

On the one hand, she earns a lot of money and has said that her high fees mean she can accommodate a number of reduced rate clients. On the other, as I said before, she has to think I'm worthwhile to continue working with on those reduced terms. Otherwise she may as well be working with someone in that slot who can pay her more money. Or offer the reduced slot to someone who needs it more in that they will be able to make more progress than me.

 

[Suzetig]

If she's working ethically it won't be about what progress you make or not - she will want you to progress for your sake not because the work needs to look "worthwhile". My guess is she's thinking that reducing your day to day symptoms will improve your current quality of life which in turn might build the stability for more in depth work.

It's not about one person being more worthwhile or treatable than the other.

 

[barefoot]

My guess is she's thinking that reducing your day to day symptoms will improve your current quality of life which in turn might build the stability for more in depth work.

Thanks for the reassurances - I really appreciate it. I think I feel so worried and anxious about the whole situation that I'm convincing myself that she wants out. Whereas I know she has also given me assurances (including as recently as yesterday) that we will find a way to keep working together and that she won't abandon me. Ultimately, I do believe she is trustworthy and that she cares. So I need to keep reminding myself of those things over the Christmas break, I think, so that I don't completely unravel myself.

It's not about one person being more worthwhile or treatable than the other

Isn't it??

 

[Suzetig]

No, it really isn't. It's about the relationship the therapist offers and their committment to you knowing that there are no guarantees. I've had this discussion with mine loads of times - I've been seeing her for over 3 years at a massively reduced rate and have got stuck and stalled all along the way. You don't need to "perform" to keep her.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Suzetig . I feel quite...moved...by your last post. It has made me feel quite emotional, though I'm not really sure why.

 

[Sandstone]

She has said for about a year that, if it comes to it and the paid for sessions run out and we still have work to do, we will find a way to continue

I am worried that if she doesn't think we are getting anywhere she won't be open to me taking up a client space - especially when I can't pay her normal fee at the moment.

Has she lied to you before? Do you have any reason to disbelieve her now?

all I can think of is how desperate I feel to carry on working with her. The thought of "losing her" feels terrifying. And that in turn feels pathetic and shameful :-(

Is it OK to tell you that I envy you? Building that relationship has taken time and commitment from you both, and we know it is a key foundation for any sort of work. I'm a long way from that, know I need it, can't begin to imagine being able to be open to it, or having the opportunity.
That isn't said to make you feel bad, but to encourage you to celebrate what you have achieved in developing so strong a connection. Can you praise yourself for it?

she's now back to saying that I have to accept that I can't do "the deeper work" and we should instead focus on more surface level here and now stuff, like managing my symptoms of Anxiety/Depression and being connected to/living my life more fully and building my business etc.

Paint me a word picture of what it would be like if you had less anxiety and depression to deal with: if you were connected to life: if you were living it more fully: if you were working fully at your business.

 

[barefoot]

@Sandstone
I don't think she has lied. I think she is honest. She forgets stuff and changes her mind about stuff. But I don't think she has deliberately lied about anything. I'm just worried that my current lack of money and being stuck will make her think I'm not worth any further significant investment from her. So it's less about whether she's been lying about it. More about, does she think I'm worth it any more.

I do feel very lucky to have been able to work with her for this long and I'm aware that I may look insensitive banging on about how attached I am to her and how hard I find that, when I know that some people here - including you - are struggling to access any opportunities for this kind of support. I think I've made a lot of progress with building trust/relationship with her. Even a few months ago, I don't think I would have been able to take in a big sheet of paper with a shame brainstorm on it to show her. I suppose that, having made that progress re feeling safer with her and trusting her more and feeling able to reveal more to her...having started to reach that point, it feels very alarming and painful to think she may be gone soon. And I know she hasn't said she's going to be gone soon. That's my anxiety. But she might. And now I'm back to being wary and disconnected in the room with her, so I feel like I've taken big steps backwards. And I don't think me sitting being shut down and not in relationship with her is going to encourage her to want to keep working with me!

What would it be like...? I would feel more peaceful. And more purposeful. And more comfortable in my body because, at the moment, I am mainly wanting to unzip myself, peel my skin off and step outside myself. And I would feel more energised, more focused and less confused. And I would just feel more properly...here. And have less sense of doom and dread. And I could achieve things and be successful and acknowledge and enjoy those accomplishments.
So...lots of good things could come of improving here and now stuff. I guess I'm not sure how much significant change we could make if we're managing surface level symptoms on a practical level and not tackling root causes at a deeper level?

 

[Knak]

I've been writing about my challenges with therapy quite a bit here lately. Apologies if I am going on...

I found that EMDR therapy was the only therapy that ever helped at all. It is very important to get a qualified therapist you can trust. They should be licensed and returning for training every year.

When I started EMDR the therapist asked me to choose a memory that was less traumatic to learn and practice the process. It took several weeks and relieved the panic and helped my brain somehow.

Then we did one on my mom and one on my dad and one on my husband. It couldn't get to the root of the problem with any of them because it was just ongoing abuse I had to repress, but she said it does keep working even when you don't think about it.

It was the only therapy that ever made a difference in my ability to progress. In time I got over several unconscious stumbling blocks, i.e. hangups I couldn't put a finger on, so I could think and communicate more effectively, and not get stopped dead in my tracks all the time.

It was not a panacea. It has taken years to process some of the hurdles I deal with. I was able to absorb more research to have incite into what is going on in my brain. I have always felt something is wrong with my brain. It takes the blame off of you. I can accept that I did not create my problems and can't fix them either without something that changes my brain from the outside.

Your brain physically changes with CPTSD and never changes back.

EMDR makes a physical change in neurons where painful memories are stored that can't be accessed due to flashbacks or avoidance. It makes them accessible and you also heal the paths of neurons that stem from it that remind you of it.

I found out the communication part of the brain gets debilitated so you don't know what you feel or how to explain the problem because you don't know what it is. I still have trouble with that.

I have a lot more incite into behavior and see other people's hangups which makes me feel I'm not completely different and hopeless. My hormone balance seems to really affect me so I am going to go back on hormone therapy.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to resurrect this thread again. I found people's comments so helpful before and managed not to completely lose my mind about this whole situation over Christmas. But I'm back to feeling really anxious about it again. I've just re-read all the posts. If anyone can help with providing me with some positive things to focus on or any tips on how I can help prepare for a good outcome in session tomorrow, I'd be really grateful.

Tomorrow will be my first session since I wrote this thread. I was supposed to go last week but then had to cancel as I was unwell. So, this will be the first session after a three week break. I have emailed my therapist to say that I really want us to discuss/agree a plan for what's next after the remaining pre-paid for sessions have come to an end as I really want to carry on seeing her and working with her on stuff and I'm worried about how we can make that happen in my current financial position. She hasn't replied - which is fine, I didn't expect her to - but at least I have put that intention out there so, hopefully, she will hold me to account and help to ensure that we have that conversation.

I feel very nervous. The thought of discussing money feels horrible and awkward, but I know I have to bite the bullet because I can't ignore that it's happening.I'm dreading her asking me what I can afford. I have no idea how I will answer that. The honest answer is that I can't really afford anything much at all at the moment.

If we look at agreeing what we focus the work on now, going forwards, I don't know what to say to that either.

I am back to feeling in a panic about it and have convinced myself again that I haven't done well enough and made good enough progress in the 2.5 years we have worked together, so she will not see any point in us continuing to work together for much longer.

I feel very powerless in the relationship at the moment. I feel at her mercy. And I hate feelin that way. And I know it's only me who is making me feel that - I know she wouldn't want me to feel like that.

I don't know how best to take control of tomorrow's session so that I can hopefully achieve the best outcome for myself. It feels like a lot is riding on tomorrow.

I'm worried that I will just cry and then go into shutdown and then we won't have resolved anything :-( And I'm worried that she is going to tell me things I don't want to hear - that we have almost reached the end of the road.

I know anxiety has taken hold and that I am catastophising and making all sorts of assumptions. I just can't seem to rein the panic in at the moment. And if I can't calm down in time for the session tomorrow I'm worried that it will end up being a bit of a write-off.

Ugh! I've been really eager to get back in there and sort stuff out and get some clarity about how we're going to move forwards. Now, I just feel scared and hopeless :-(

 

[Suzetig]

Ah you sound super anxious and understandably so. I'd suggest trying to settle yourself a bit - how would you usually ground yourself or soothe yourself when anxious? Try to do a bit of that "whatever that is" just to give yourself some head space.

Something I've realised recently is that any time something changes in my therapy it can feel like I'm back at the start again. So, it's like I've forgotten who my T is, that she's been consistent and caring towards me, that she's communicated that I matter to her, that she's trustworthy, has never been purposefully hurtful, has been accepting of all kind of shit I've thrown at her and has said she'll be there for as long as I need - as far as that's within her power. When our relationship deepens a bit or I need to take something new I go through a huge anxiety spike and we start all over again, we quickly settle in to it again but that initial thought of what I'm taking fills me with all kinds of dread.

I wonder whether journaling all of the things she has said about wanting to work with you might help reassure you - separating out what the focus of your work might be until you know what she's offering. If you can't afford much at all she may agree a token payment that's really just about keeping the relationship professional - just be honest that that's all you can offer and see what she says. At the risk of being slapped, most therapists in the UK are seriously not in it for the money - most have done all their accreditation hours for free and still volunteer to keep their skills up. That's not to say she doesn't need to eat or make a living but most people I know have capacity for lower fees or pro bono work because that's how they started out.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm really pleased you have already emailed her about this. I'm sure your fears around what will happen after the pre-paid sessions run out are playing a big part in your fears, doubts, and possibly even the degree of dissociation you are experiencing. I can well imagine that if you don't feel safe as you look to the future then you won't feel safe in any given session now.

It would be great if you could take this a chance to be direct about what you want. It sounds as though that is incredibly hard for you. Can you rehearse the simple direct sentences? Things like, " I want to go on working with you." " I can afford £x per week, but no more". What else might you need to have ready and practised?

I know there are many reasons why it is hard to be that direct about what you need, but for this week, unpacking those reasons is not important. Finding a secure and stable base to move on from is much more important. Remember what your T has said - she wants to go on working with you, and she believes you and she can sort out the finances.