Do PTSD Episodes Feel Sureal Afterwords To You Too?

[trav]

*please read this twice if need be, I'm having a real hard time expressing myself with this and this post might be a little confusing...*

Hi all,

I have a quick question I've been dying to ask other people with PTSD. Its kind of tricky to express exactly what I'm trying to say here, but hopefully some other members here will have this happen to them and understand what I'm getting at. Here it goes...

When explaining to someone (friend, family member, therapist) what happens and how I feel when having either flashbacks, anxiety/panic attacks, even when having hours or day long feelings of extreme anxiousness; when I'm feeling pretty good and not having any of the symptoms at the current moment; it feels almost like these things and feeling didn't even happen to me.

Let me clarify. I can explain to a friend in graphic detail the incident that happened to me and do so completely emotionlessly, while having the feeling almost like I'm telling someone elses story. When the bad things arn't happening to me, its almost like they happened to someone else, even though I know it was me and I remember it happening. Does that make any sense? Its really difficult to express and hopefully someone on here gets it. Looking back at the episodes, it all seems sureal, dreamlike almost. Like I'm taking someone else's story and passing it off as my own, even though I know it happened to me.

I was explaining to my girlfriend that I had 3 panic attacks the other morning, but when I was telling here I was feeling better. It was almost like it happened to another me. It feels like there are 2 of me. Sometimes I don't care at all about the incident, sometimes (usually after being triggered) it completely destroys me.

Sorry for the rambeling, just wondering if anyone else has this happen to them. It sure would make me feel alot less crazy (even though from what I've read and have been told its normal). It would just feel nice to know that someone else has had/regularly has this feeling also.

Thanks for reading, extra-double thanks for responding,
Travis

 

[Cthulhu]

I can totally relate to that, I've got the same 'problem'. Goes as far as I write something in a forum or a mail, read it the next day and it seems to me like it has been written by another person. Although I know for sure that I've written it myself. But it's just strange and alien and not right.

Also it always happens when I try to write about emotions, traumata, bad things happened. While I write I really think I put all my rest of emotion in it, may be totally angry, depressed, despaired or whatever... But when I read it later... Is just a totally neutral explanation of things that happened.
I think my personality is split a little bit... Not a full DIS but something between normality and being multiple. Can't explain it in another way. I don't remember a time in my life where it wasn't like that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello trav,

I believe I relate to what you mean- oh ya, for sure, I think most of us can rattle off almost our whole past and it feels surreal/ like someone else. I think it may be because the emotions associated with it are too painful and unnerving and get blocked at those times (not a re-experiencing but like giving a weather report). I find even experiencing flashbacks etc feels very surreal at the time.

Anyway, yes, I believe it's very 'normal'/ common. Is for me, anyway.

 

[trav]

Thank you two so much for responding so quickly! Its sad to know that other people experience this. It however makes me feel so much better to know I'm not alone. I can't thank you enough!

Do either of you feel that the whole split as I'll refer to it between the effected, and not effected halfs of your personalitys make coping and getting over PTSD more difficult. Sometimes I wish I could just make myself feel the bad feelings so I could try to get over them. I only feel them when I'm in a really bad place mentaly, and its difficult to try to heal and recover when I'm in that bad place. I'm sure you both know what I mean. I wish there was a switch like a light switch in the back of my head and I could decide when to feel the feelings and when not too. A "dimmer" switch would be even better that way I could start small and work my way up. Its difficult to rationalize when unexpectedly thrown into the middle of if.

Thanks again for your help. You've made me feel so much better,
Travis

 

[seedling]

Yes, I was just thinking this today!

Today I was reading over something I wrote about being scared about something and now I'm wondering what the big deal was. The bigger the bad episode, the more distant it seems. It can happen very quickly. I'll think back on how the last few days have been and casually think that they were "not bad", then if I really think more about it I can remember "oh, that's when I was feeling X - yikes."

It all seems to fade into a hazy past almost immediately. I really hate it when I'm asked "how have you been?"

It does seem like two me's. PTSD - land of extremes.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Iam]

Oh yes, PTSD is the land of extremes Seedling. Trav I am totally unable to feel the intense feelings when I am telling others, with a very rare, maybe once or twice expception. It is surreal.....as if it didn't happen to me at all. I feel like I am making it up or exaggerating what happened, but I KNOW I am not. I did feel many of the emotions when I wrote out my detailed diary. It was hard, but other than that....the feelings seem totally gone. I am starting EMDR next Tuesday to hopefully get unstuck and start experiencing those horrible intense emotions. It's strange, I can feel so unbelievably anxious, sad and scared, to the point of suicide, but I am emotionless when discussing the traumas.

 

[Cthulhu]

Do either of you feel that the whole split as I'll refer to it between the effected, and not effected halfs of your personalitys make coping and getting over PTSD more difficult.

Yes, it truly makes coping difficult, on the other hand it makes getting help much more difficult, too because I really can't express my past feeling (even if they were yesterday) to anybody properly... So I seem to be totally OK, on the outside and to myself... But I'm not.

Sometimes I wish I could just make myself feel the bad feelings so I could try to get over them. I only feel them when I'm in a really bad place mentaly, and its difficult to try to heal and recover when I'm in that bad place. I'm sure you both know what I mean. I wish there was a switch like a light switch in the back of my head and I could decide when to feel the feelings and when not too. A "dimmer" switch would be even better that way I could start small and work my way up. Its difficult to rationalize when unexpectedly thrown into the middle of if.

I found such a switch long ago, I've thought a lot about it but still can't decide if it pulls up "real" feelings of mine or just fills me up with artificial emotions that mean nothing. Maybe both. Some movies or music titles bring up a lot of emotion in me, mostly very dark emotions. Very seldom do that because it's very exhausting although I feel kind of real and really living when doing it.

But like you I don't know if that can be the right place to start healing... Seems to depress/disturb more than it helps.

 

[anni]

I don't know if it's all 'bad', you know? I absolutely recognize the concept because engage in that myself but surely the ability to be able to do that 3rd person thing must be some sort of survival mode the head resorts to? It's not as if it's being avoided or forgotten, but sort of viewed dispassionatly. Maybe there is a sort of dimmer switch, some organic, inner exposure-therapy dynamic, who knows? I know I do not, of course. The head engages in so many apparently screwy dynamics with this PTSD that surely the point of some of them is towards some sort of healing-behind-our-backs, if that makes any sense. If it doesn't and I'm just looking for some optimistic take on this I'll shush. :)

Anni

 

[PerfectEmpire]

When explaining to someone (friend, family member, therapist) what happens and how I feel when having either flashbacks, anxiety/panic attacks, even when having hours or day long feelings of extreme anxiousness; when I'm feeling pretty good and not having any of the symptoms at the current moment; it feels almost like these things and feeling didn't even happen to me.

I totally experience this too. It makes me wonder if I am crazy. I actually avoid feeling that happy because it scares me because I feel confused and detached from my normal self. Yet even when I'm in my "normal" state, I can talk to people about an anxiety attack I just had and feel like it didn't even really happen. Again, I feel crazy.

It all seems to fade into a hazy past almost immediately. I really hate it when I'm asked "how have you been?"

Yeah, I never know how to answer that question.
"How have you been?"
"Um, for how long? The past hour in which I had 10 anxiety attacks and have been struggling to feel like I'm really in this room, or the past week in which I've gotten absolutely no work done because I was in and out of my mind? And which me are you asking???!!!"

While I don't have DID, I seriously do use different parts of myself around different people. And when I've had a bad week, everything gets jumbled up and I can't remember who to be around whom and even if I did I wouldn't have the energy. It's all a facade. But it's all me. It's weird.

Sometimes I wish I could just make myself feel the bad feelings so I could try to get over them.

This reminds me of something I saw in another thread about a year ago; I think it was about triggering movies. Sometimes I watch triggering movies and listen to triggering music on purpose. It satisfies some sort of self-mutilation desire, but with a healthier outcome - it forces my mind to work towards healing. The important thing is to only do what I'm drawn to and not let myself be exposed to more.

An hour or two of depressing music is a great catalyst for writing in a trauma diary, figuring out what questions to ask when looking for help, art therapy, or therapy in general. If I go to a therapy session all happy, I don't get as much out of it. Therapy is expensive so I want to dig deep. So if I'm in a good mood and don't feel connected to my issues and pain but I know I have issues I want to resolve, I pull out some Nine Inch Nails and get my money's worth. That's how I activate my bad feelings. When I want to switch back, I listen to some 80's and 90's pop music, watch a sitcom, and light a fruit scented candle. Kids' TV shows also do the trick.

You say you want a "dimmer" switch. The things I mentioned above serve as my dimmer switch. After my last hotel room suicide attempt, my husband sat down with me and a dry erase board and made a list for me of all the things he noticed make me happy. Now when I feel down, I do the things on that list. I don't always notice when I feel that bad, so sometimes he's the one who reminds me to do them. When I need to get back down again (like for a therapy session), I do things on my other list. Being strategic about when to feel what is key to my survival. Now if only I could control the unexpected triggers...ugh...

 

[trav]

Thanks for all the replies and helpful info about how you all deal with this aspect of PTSD. I wish I could find things to trigger me, even a little bit so I could try and have some controled recovery.

I haven't found that sad or depressing music will trigger me at all. Its strange I can also watch a movie like "Twister" which is all about tornados and for some reason it does nothing to me. (Oh yeah I should have probably mentioned my PTSD was caused by a tornado) I think it has to do with the fact that I never actually saw the tornado, it pretty much started on top of me. I tend to have a very black and white, concrete way of thinking and can make the connection that what is happening on TV isn't happening to me. It also makes this all very frustrating sometimes because many of the aspects of what I'm dealing with arn't black and white and easy to understand.

My workmans comp is setting me up with a second opinion at a psychodiagnostics place. Perhaps the psychiatrist there will have some new things to teach me so I can better get this under control.

I feel like I have more to type but I'm having trouble focusing right now.

Thanks again for all the support/input,
Travis

 

[anni]

I think maybe you put your finger on it, really. Many aspects of it are not concrete and are far from easy to understand-antithethical to the black and white thinking dynamics.After all the articles are digested, as it were, the T's have explained xyz, the abstracts which are left which just do not make sense therefore seem beyond our control. For me, anyway, this is beyond frustrating, it's scary because it's beyond something I can personally 'fix'. Hateeee that loss of containment! Everyone is different but personally, this is where it was ( is) so necessary to trust my T is every single sense of that word. We do what we can, some has to be just handed over into their purview, I think.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, you are dissociating. Separating the memory of the event from feelings about the event. It is very common for PTSD sufferers to experience this. I do it, and my therapist tells me that one of my goals is to be able to tell my story with emotion and be in control so that the memories are no longer triggering. I hope this makes sense.