Relationship Do they come back after an argument ?

[Nyssa]

I would also want to know why my boyfriend went to jail. But if he refused to give me a straight answer or gave me contradictory explanations, I don't think I could trust him enough to stay. It would actually be a pretty huge red flag for me, especially if one of the given explanations was "false claims from my ex girl-friend"...

You seem ready to go back with him if he wanted to -- which is clearly not the case, as others have stressed out. I find it worrying. I understand the heartbreak and the attachment, and I am sorry you are hurting, but your ex might actually be dangerous.

 

[Willowtree]

@scout86 , it sounds like your communication skills are far more developed than...

Yes scout,
It sounds like you are and further along In your journey. My sufferer couldn't put into words what he was feeling a lot of the time. I don't know if he couldn't communicate or if he just didn't even know whats was feeling.
So that makes sense what your asking about, although PTSD or not, communication in a relationship is challenging in it's own right

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is it sufferers that are writing these cold replies?

No, the replies aren't all from sufferers. Boundaries are important. Respecting them is important in any mature relationship, but it's vital when one of the partners has PTSD.

Please consider that the intensity with which you feel the need to create distance (long or short term) at a moment's notice and have that respected is equal to the intensity that supporters/ex-supporters want their loved one to come back to being the way they were when they originally fell in love.

Keep in mind that it may seem to be a moment's notice for one party, but the other party could have been thinking of ending it for awhile. Love tends to blind us. You can never really know how happy your partner is in a relationship. All we can do is trust them when they tell us they're happy. That's the scary thing about being in a relationship... you make yourself vulnerable to being hurt at any given time.

You're seeing the "cold" responses because it is very very very very common for people to join the forum after their partner with PTSD breaks up with them. Most seem to want to be told that their ex will snap out of it and come back. That it's all PTSD, and something can be done to reverse it. We have examples of ex-supporters who have hung on waiting for months and even years, and they're heartbroken and miserable. Believe it or not, the "cold" responses are actually a kindness. People are looking out for the broken-hearted supporter.

 

[Fadeaway]

I know more people who can't communicate their feelings without PTSD than do. Some of it is culture, some of it is upbringing, some of it is individualistic. I do feel there is a condescending attitude towards sufferers communication and relationship skills among a small handful of supporters who think that just because their sufferer was one way, all must be.

I also feel that a small handful of supporters come on here and seem to be more interested in trying to get the sufferers to understand their point of view under a false pretense of trying to understand their sufferer.

I am only replying because I frustrated by the response and assumptions made about @lostforgottensoul. @dulcia Reading your post was life a breath of fresh air in this thread knowing it came from a supporter.

 

[1confusedgirl]

I want to say to everyone who has responded that i appreciate all of your perspectives whether you are a sufferer or a supporter. Please understand that i came here looking for advice since i have no experience with ptsd and up until now didn't even know this was something he dealt with. However some responses have been harder to read than others. I would like to say that i am not a "stalker" and would appreciate not being called that. I lived with a man for 2 years in a loving relationship, and at a drop of a hat was told to go. It's confusing, i didn't know what to do, when you're asked to leave your home and only have time to grab your clothes and a few personal things it's a shock. I originally contacted him because i was trying to figure out what in the world was happening. Also, i HAVE given him space.

UPDATE : I haven't reached out to him since my post except for ONE text. A few days ago i texted to ask when i could have access to the house so that i could pack and arrange for movers for my furniture. That was it, simple ,kind. Since we split i assumed this was a reasonable request.
He did not respond to me. However since i am staying at my mothers while i try to figure out my next step, he did text her. He said that he wasn't just hurt, but that he was still mad at me. He said that he's trying to focus on how much we love each other but it's difficult. he said that now that we are broken up he's just as saddened that i'm suffering as well and he doesn't know how to fix anything, and maybe im better off without him and no matter what happens he'll always love me but right now he just needs space......

So what now? I haven't responded and i'm not going to contact him anymore for now. But we are broken up and everything i own is still in his house. I love him and want him to be okay, but if he wants us to break up then why hold on to my things? I can only assume he doesn't want it to be over yet but who knows? How long should i sit around and wait in limbo, living out of bags and not knowing if i should find a new place to live or anything..

It's hard to know what to think of the whole situation. I do not want to contact him but at some point there needs to be a resolution. As much as i love him I really don't think i could consider even going back to this relationship unless he seeks treatment. I do think it's unfair that he didn't tell me about ptsd until now and has kept secrets from his past but i am trying to do what i feel is right and give him time to think. Still confused..

 

[EveHarrington]

The persistent lack of empathy towards people who are genuinely hurting on here continues to blow...

I'm not trying to be rude.....Sufferers speak from first hand experience and we don't want to give people false hope as that would be cruel. We try to tell it as we see it but yes we can come off as being a bit harsh. People are just trying to help!

 

[Willowtree]

I'm not trying to be rude.....Sufferers speak from first hand experience and we don't want to giv...

Thanks Eve.
I for one have found your posts and questions most helpful. Makes me look at things differently then I would have looked at it.

 

[EveHarrington]

@scout86 , it sounds like your communication skills are far more developed than...

I'm not sure why you're picking up on bad dialogue between sufferers and supporters?

I think it's more a matter of taking the good and leaving the bad, as your method I fear would amount to censorship. It's as if you are shaming the sufferers who actually give a damn and want to help! Yeah, we can shut up------but you guys would not get much insider info, either.

But, peace out. I can deal with the posts that look only for supporter info from the get go. I can't handle being told to STFU at a later point. I should stop trying to help altogether as I don't think I actually help anyone it seems.

 

[scout86]

sounds like your communication skills are far more developed t

I don't know about that. Here's an example. I asked a few questions about "what would normal people do". I asked in total seriousness, because I was interested in the answers, but I didn't manage to ask them in a way that got noticed or responded to. "How can I do this better?", or variations on that theme, is something I've asked, kind of often in assorted relationships. Rarely do I get a workable answer. So, I must be doing something wrong. And I've got the relationship history to go with it.

 

[shimmerz]

But we are broken up and everything i own is still in his house. I love him and want him to be okay, but if he wants us to break up then why hold on to my things?

Yes. You deserve your things. No question about that.

Myself, as a PTSD sufferer, when overwhelmed, can have a really difficult time making decisions. And that may be a problem with him right now that is causing this furniture issue.

For myself, it is always best for someone to pose the question that they want to ask in the least flowery way possible. So, honestly, you have a vested interest in contacting him. You want your furniture/things. Have you put across to him directly when a good time to pick this stuff up would be?

Bob. Need to pick up my furniture/things. Saturday works for me. When can I come by?

Simply stated. You are proposing a solution to the problem. He has limited thinking to do.

The difference, I think, is that you are taking the focus off of 'this is what happened, I want to fix it, do you?' to 'This is what is happening. I am picking up my furniture on this date.' If we are going to talk in general terms re PTSD, not in terms of a general characterization, then I would say that when one with PTSD is spun out.... they need things to be put across as simply as possible. It is next to impossible to sort shit out and make decisions when heavily activated.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sharing your personal experiences is actually very helpful, but I think we get caught in a loop here: a supporter describes a certain behavior, a sufferer reads it and feels like the supporter is making a blanket statement about all PTSD sufferers, sufferer pushes back describing their experience, supporters read it and feels like it is now the sufferer making a blanket statement about all PTSD sufferers, and around we go.

Before I turn off my phone to conserve battery, I wanted to reply to this. Read the title of this thread. "Do THEY come back after an arguement". Who is "they"? PTSD sufferers as a whole. The OP made a blanket question. Thus the replies will be blanketed as that is how the OP put it.

But, good lord! If I, having PTSD or not, asked someone to leave me alone that many times and those many ways, I'd be looking into a restraining order at this point. So, my advise, and other's advice, is to leave him alone, send a one liner text about getting furniture and be done with it. I am not sure how that lacks empathy or is anyway rude. My opinion is that how the OP contacted him, drove by his house, delivered a letter and wholey pushed herself on him seemed very stalkerish to me. That is my opinion. I am entitled to it.

Take what helps and leave the rest.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think that when you refer to folks with PTSD as they (Do they come back after an argument?) it sets up a defensive response from supporters. We are not they, we are all different, and at different places in our healing. In my opinion, and this is just my opinion as a person, it was a terrible way to break up with you, and you are beside yourself with grief and trying to figure out why he left. He may not even have PTSD, and is just telling you that. He has lied about why he was in prison, which is not a symptom of PTSD, and he broke up with you after a 3 year relationship, which is not a symptom of PTSD. I think, and this is just me, as painful as it is, you dodged a bullet. We do not give out loads of sympathy here, as it is not helpful. We empathize, and suggest ways to improve the situation you are in now, not what you want it to be. A person who lies about things will lie about everything. How will you know what is true? I know you are not in a space now to hear this, but if you can, do one thing a day for yourself, to heal yourself. As you feel better, add more. Soon you will feel better. Breakups suck, especially if you are blindsided by one.

I see I cross posted with @lostforgottensoul.