Relationship Do This, Or Do That? The Paradox Of Opposing Views.

[mixtapeheartache]

There is quite a bit of literature available on anxiety disorders (and specifically PTSD), both personal accounts and academic literature.

As with most, I often come across opposing points of view. It can be a challenge deciphering or applying information that may or may not merit attention to your specific situation.

Reach out or detach. Anxiety causes isolation or codependency. One of my favourite paradoxes is "Embracing detachment."

I haven't heard from my PTSD suffering friend (we briefly dated) in over two months. I have reached out occasionally, sometimes with benign generalities, others with parables of life (I have included one I have not sent below). I have heard nothing in return.

The compassionate part of me leans towards the literature that suggests periodic reaching out, refrain from abandonment and be patient. The codependent part of me says let it go. The academic part of me says this behaviour is not uncommon. The emotional part of me says she doesn't enjoy my company anymore.

I actually have genuine concern at this point that something may have happened to her, but the logical part of my brain also knows she has a family, albeit not locally, that she is close with. With a lack of any communication, you are never certain if you are encumbering or supporting.

How do you all navigate between seemingly opposing options?

--

A little didactic parable.

I was out at Westport surfing once, expounding an immense amount of energy trying with futility to pop onto my board. This was prior to my laser eye surgery; so even seeing a wave coming was a magnanimous issue.

When I was at the crest of the ocean, where the water curls into the shore, a large wave would come crashing into me and knock me down. And there I lay, on the ocean floor with sand in my mouth and ears, the salt water burning my eyes, my breath all but lost, and panic and fear would quickly settle in.


But then the wave would go back out to sea, and I would get back up on my board, spit the sand out of my mouth, brush the sand out of my ears, rub my eyes, take a deep breath, and then look out at the sun on the horizon again.


And then another wave would come and knock me back down to the ocean floor again. But this time, with the sand in my mouth and ears, the burning salt water in my eyes, clinging to my last breath, the feelings of panic and fear were less palpable because I knew that the wave was going to go back out to sea again.


With each wave that came tumbling into the shore knocking me down, the panic and fear began to magically fade away, and I realized the waves were looking a lot smaller, too.


And then I saw how beautiful the sunset really is.

 

[monicaelise]

The codependent part of me says let it go

Eh? It sounds like you may be confusing rational with codependent. If this woman is giving you absolutely no indication your presence is wanted, take it at face value.

The emotional part of me says she doesn't enjoy my company anymore.

The emotional part is the part that appears to be paying attention. No offence, but regardless of her reasons (whether she's isolating just because she is suffering from PTSD or she's just plain old done), the message she is sending is that she doesn't want your company. After two months, it's probably safe to say this isn't a ploy to get more of your attention.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

None taken. This is a good example of some literature suggesting otherwise.

In a traditional context, behaviour suggests motivations. Is it so with a mental disorder?

I think face value is the best option, for what else is there (in reality).

 

[mixtapeheartache]

P.S. Silence is the *only* indication (perhaps the most important one, I can't say with certainty).

Nothing prior to it suggested it is so.

 

[monicaelise]

P.S. Silence is the *only* indication (perhaps the most important one, I can't say with certainty).

What else do you need? A kick in the chops?

It doesn't matter what the literature says. What matters is what the person you're dealing with says/does. When someone pulls away from you, his/her motivation for doing so is irrelevant. It's never an invitation, regardless of why they do it. If she's pushing you away because she's sick, she doesn't want you around. If she's pushing you away because she's no longer interested, she doesn't want you around. She'll let you know if you're wanted.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

It is still hard to accept, especially emotionally, when prior behaviors and actual words said otherwise. Especially if you shared a good amount of time in each other's lives.

I understand. I think it's still best to move on tho.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

In this context, I tend to agree with you.

It does not necessarily matter what a person says or does if the words don't match the behaviour. For example, how can man who beats his wife tell her he loves him? There is no correlation between what is said and what is being done. In this context, you generally tend to lead towards the former. With an anxiety disorder, the lines become a bit more blurred, I suspect.

There are also countless examples of isolation (behaviour) that do not suggest reason (feeling / thought). Others do. This is the general framework of the topic of this post: paradoxes.

Your blanket statement disregarding academic literature is a bit hubristic. This is the same academic literature the world's mental professionals regard as source material for their vocations.

Another good example is a schizophrenic. Their behaviour does not suggest you should abandon them– that is, the correlation between their actions is not necessarily enmeshed with who they are or what they feel. How you approach them (methodology) is perhaps always open for debate (albeit often there is a general consensus).

So although in this context, I think you are correct (it doesn't necessarily matter), a black and white position is not always warranted, if ever.

Most of life is actually living in the grey.

I appreciate the discussion / dialogue!

 

[monicaelise]

Your blanket statement disregarding academic literature is a bit hubristic. This is the same academic literature the world's mental professionals regard as source material for their vocations.

As an academic myself, I'm not sure where hubris comes in to the equation here. You're clearly scouring "the literature" in the hope you'll get some sort of validation with regard to your own situation. The literature may be relevant in a clinical or academic situation, but what you're doing is using it to try and justify maintaining an attachment to someone who has detached from you. So when I say, it doesn't matter what the literature says, I say it solely with your situation in mind. If that's hubris, so be it.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Am I? Or perhaps edifying myself about PTSD / anxiety disorders as well as my own co-dependency issues? Validation or understanding? The study of paradoxes: you say one thing, someone else says another (both valid positions, what is the best approach to decipher information relevant to your situation?).

Hubris, in the context of presumption, not pride. :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Speaking from a personal point of view, when somebody isolates for the long term, the best thing you can do for them, is to say that you care, and that you would like to understand, and if they want to come back into your life, you will welcome them whenever they are ready.

It's straightforward, to the point and not manipulative or pressurizing. And in terms of ethics, it is genuinely doing something selfless.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thanks meadow sweet! After reading positive approaches in these types of situations, that's exactly what I did, and have left it at that (except the welcoming back part, but I think I have clearly implied that by saying whenever they choose to speak, I am hear to listen).

I was worried that something happened to them and was hoping they could simply let me know they were okay (alive), but that is up to them to share, I suppose.

Thanks!