Poll Do you ask for help when you need to?

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I chose sometimes, but several years ago, it would have been I'd rather do anything rather than ask for help, based heavily on being made much worse each and every time I sought help via my workplace insurance approved arenas.

Between sheer luck and repeated circumstantial desperation, I've discovered help in some of the damnedest places, oddly enough, making it a bit easier each time to put myself out there again.

I'm still incredibly gun shy of most medical and mental health arenas based on my direct experience of being a patient, as well as working in that arena for over 13 years seeing a lot of behind the scenes happenings I'd rather forget.

I still experience times where I'd much rather avoid seeking help and just hope the struggle will subside, but it only seems to multiply in those moments, instead. Still living...still learning.

 

[Changing4Best]

I voted for the 3rd choice also. I remember when I REALLY needed help. My beloved husband had a stroke. NO HELP. Family, friends, they all deserted us. Finally the state had to come and help us, years later, when I was about ready to drop dead from lack of sleep and exhaustion.

These days I have no car, nor do I drive. Asking for rides has been kind of difficult, but there have been folks who do offer and who do come through. None the less, even though they do, I HATE calling to ask AGAIN for ANOTHER ride. I put it off until I just have to call. I am putting off such a call this very minute.

 

[Abstract]

An interesting aspect of this has come to mind as a result of this thread. Do you see help as only an in person thing, friend interaction thing, therapy and professional thing, or online friend/interaction thing. Not necessarily asking. Just more observing. Maybe its levels? Self first. Then online. Then professional. Then friends. Then those who are particularly close to you? Or that is probably very exposing of my issues. Quite possible.

 

[mumstheword]

I chose the last one. However, I can ask for help from my partner, most of the time, now, which is huge progress.
I am also working on it, in my hospital admissions.
I haven't been in a lot of situations, via family, where asking for help pans out well, but, I was in a position where I had to get some from somewhere, after life threatening crisis, and some profession help kicked in, by some, I mean, I had to ask A LOT and a small amount came through.

 

[Friday]

Do you see help as only an in person thing, friend interaction thing, therapy and professional thing, or online friend/interaction thing.

It’s an across the board thing, for me, still.

As an example, if I’m perfectly capable of fetching over a water bottle out of reach? I have zero problem saying “Hand me that, would you?”. If I’m too sick to move, so I don’t just want help, but need it? I will spend all. damn. day. attempting to build up the energy to stand up (or crawl over) and get the damn water bottle. It doesn’t even occur to me, most of the time, to ask the perfectly healthy person standing right next to it to hand it to me.

Not dissimilarly, I cancel therapy appointments (or no show) when I’m in crisis & resume once I’m back under control; can ask questions of the forum before something has happened or after, but not during, unless I’ve already got at least some kind of handle on the situation -so again- it turns into a want based thing, instead of a needs based thing

I can demand help IF I need it, and IF I have the right to (or have taken the right upon myself). From absolutely anyone, at any time. You, you, you! Do this, this, this! Voila. No problem whatsoever issuing orders to people, nor physically manhandling them into position.

((Which ties into some Core Beliefs that usually serve me quite well. (If you’re asking a question? No, is always an okay answer. Otherwise it’s not a question, it’s an order/demand.).))

As long as the help I’m demanding isn’t for me. If it’s for me it really almost never occurs to me to seek help. And if it does? It has to be wanted help, not needed help.

So, for me, it’s interior // not exterior. It’s about me, not who is around me, or what the results would be.

 

[Tinyflame]

#3 for me, I'd rather choke on my own vomit than ask for help.

Living experience (and old age) has taught me that you don't need to go looking for help if people are proactively and positively in your life- they are there, aware of and invested in days, good or bad. If they're not, don't bother because their head (and hearts) aren't really in the game.

Like, as a friend of mine said, some of the biggest criers at funerals had the least to do with someone in their life. To ask for help from them while living?- "Nah".

 

[Tinyflame]

The words occurred to me, but I was too late to edit. I read so much here about reaching out- or should you, or do you, or would you, or can you- but the obvious question remains: who is reaching in to you? If at all.

 

[Abstract]

But if we teach those around us to leave us alone and we don't ask for help or show vulnerability then sometimes they don't reach in. Why would they. Relationships fall into patterns and those patterns are very influenced by the messages we put into them. In my opinion.

 

[blackemerald1]

#3 for me.

then sometimes they don't reach in. Why would they. Relationships fall into patterns

I think a lot of ppl are incapable of saying "How can I help?"

Sitting quietly with someone when there simply is no physical help needed seems to be very difficult. However it is one of the most valuable ways to help.

 

[Tinyflame]

Relationships fall into patterns and those patterns are very influenced by the messages we put into them. In my opinion.

Agreed @Abstract , but they're also influenced by the other person's messages, or efforts put in, or not, too.

And one doesn't have to be hardened or non-vulnerable for that; I would say if anything being vulnerable is the opposite of target-hardening.

I think a lot of ppl are incapable of saying "How can I help?"

^^ I think a lot of people are incapable of saying, "How are you?", or "Merry Christmas!" lol. Or unmotivated to. That speaks volumes. JMHO.

 

[shimmerz]

I can ask for help when I am not feeling vulnerable. But of course, I don't need help when I am not vulnerable. So for me, when I think about it, it isn't that I need help, it is that I am vulnerable in asking for help and that is the feeling I am trying to dodge if I don't ask.

For me help (asking for or accepting) is a crazy conflicted process. I remember a friend saying to me 'you like to help people. Why are you taking that gift of giving away from the people who want to help you and feel good in giving as well?'

Well, let me tell you. Because they get tired of my being needy. They accuse. They use against me. They see my weakness and when their feelings for me shift, they come at me and get me in my achilles heal because I (the idiot) let them see it.

I would rather die/not do/put myself through excessive hardship than to let anyone see my weakness. It has come back to bite me over and over again. It is a pattern that I need to learn to break.

 

[Lucycat]

I find asking for help incredibly difficult. That even applies to daily household tasks - like asking my husband to carry the shopping. He does not see me struggling - like he does not see the washing needs to be brought in when its raining. However if I ask him to fetch it in he will happily do so. I am getting better - I try to ask him more often, in the hope that if I need serious help - like psychologically - I might manage to find the words. I think as with most things - it gets a little easier with practise and a positive experience.