Do I ever dread therapy? f*ck yes I do!!!
I have begun to dread it. I used to look forward to it, but ever since we started delving into my trauma it's become something that makes me very nervous. Each therapy session seems to just stir me up and increase my symptoms. Last week's session wasn't so bad, we just came up with some helpful things in regards to helping me not think about bad stuff as much, but in today's session we handled some of the most distressing things about my trauma, and I barely even scratched the surface of it all. I couldn't even do the regular EMDR thing, it was too distressing, I was shaking and holding my breath and on the verge of freaking out, I was on the verge of crying multiple times and I haven't even cried in over a month.
We had to do an alternative "picturing the trauma" method, where you just flash the tiniest shortest image symbolizing the trauma. It was still really difficult and I had a hard time just "flashing" it, it was very sticky and I couldn't easily make myself divert away to calming thoughts. It was less distressing than the previous method, though, so I guess that's progress, but I still have been having to try really hard today to be in the present and feel normal.
