Do you ever feel hurt when your t is late for appointments?

[hithere]

I had been waiting all week to share a trauma story with my T. The T made the appointment specifically so I could do this. I was anxious all week and the the "me" who was traumatized was just under surface anxiously waiting all week. When I arrived (still anxious) I had to wait 15 minutes. I was trying to not let this bother me, but then T said they were 15 minutes late because talking about me to person at Psychiatrist office about my appointment with them. I had specifically told the woman at the Psychiatrist office not to call my T about the problem I have with their office (there are major triggers with room configurations and the feeling of being trapped) I'm a grown woman can make my own decision and if I want to bring it up with the T I will.
So not only was the appointment to share trauma started so late, I had to deal with this breach of trust from the doctor's office. The T defended the woman and then said he would not answer my questions because of my "mood." I was upset and frustrated about it. I wasn't cussing or yelling, but I was visibly hurt and asking in a sarcastic voice why she would do that and said "what's wrong with them? don't they know what PTSD is?" At that he said he wouldn't talk to me because of my mood. I was then thrown into a silent state trauma asking myself what do I do, how do I behave. I need to be nice. I've blown my chance at any assistance because I'm upset. Since it started late, and since I was being punished for being angry, I fell into a silent despair. I was back to the trauma where I could not cry or make noise, let alone tell anyone about it for fear of being punished.
Am I just super sensitive? I wonder why the T would not talk to me about why I would be upset? Why he wouldn't try to at least ask me what emotions this stirs up in me and why? He repeatedly said I could fire him if I wanted to, and I didn't even know what that meant. Did that mean he wanted me to fire him? I'm beyond bewildered. I can't see this T till Wednesday -- I still wanted to do the trauma story, yet I don't feel I can trust this T now. On top of it for the past month the T has been late 4 times, very late like 15 minutes. Though time is added at the end, it feels as though the T is procrastinating seeing me and isn't comfortable with me. I feel this appointment confirmed those suspicions.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Thankfully this has never happened to me, he is very good about being on time, as am I

He called/emailed me once when he was gonna be sick. He did both to make sure that I knew in advance. I don't think he would ever do this...

I am sorry it happened though, I imagine it would be hurtful even though at times, things just happen to make people late

 

[Mach123]

I could never tolerate that. I get so triggered when anyone is late for anything. I know this is "behavior" what I am describing but, I was never late for anything for years I guess because if I was late that would mean I was bad. When I saw that people were late or did not show up at all for things I was completely dumbfounded. I could not believe anyone could possibly behave like that. And the therapist? Forget it. That's the "unforgivable sin." The second time it happened I'd be gone. The pain just wouldn't be worth it for me, the pain I'd go through in my head trying to deal with why they were "doing that to me." (meaning I know better than to let myself be triggered like that over and over thank goodness) I mean, if you can't even show up on time, what good are you? None. lol. (cPTSD much?)

 

[UnicornSightings]

What strikes me most is that your therapist said he wouldn't talk to you while you were upset. That's messed up. If you were being yelling and swearing at him I could see that MAYBE as him setting a boundary but to not even try to explain the situation to you seems off.

And being late happens but shouldn't happen as many times as you say. Seems he has a time management issue or his own stuff going on. I'd be saying goodbye unless he has really helped you. Then talk to him about all of it. If he isn't reasonable or reacts defensively get the hell out of there. They are supposed to be examples of how to behave in the world for us.

 

[mylunareclipse]

wow his behavior was really messed up. I obviously don't know the whole story/ or your relationship, but it seems to me like he put his needs above yours. He was too defensive because he was part of something you didn't want to happen. And then to challenge you to fire him. WTF. I would have just asked why are you doing this to me?

 

[hithere]

I would have just asked why are you doing this to me?

I couldn't speak--that's what happened to me-I went into survival mode which was a panicky state of "how do I behave? How do I behave?" "what do I need to do to be safe" Thus, the silent despair I fell into .. and unfortunately have now been in for 4 days straight. I was a 11 when the trauma happened. I just became 11 again. It's pretty depressing actually, I dont know how to stay "up" in this higher age. if I did I wouldn't have sought help. sigh.

 

[hithere]

What strikes me most is that your therapist said he wouldn't talk to you while you were upset. That's messed up. If you were being yelling and swearing at him I could see that MAYBE as him setting a boundary but to not even try to explain the situation to you seems off.

Thank you so much for this. I can't tell if I'm the whacked out one or if my expectations are wrong. I felt later treated exactly as I did during the trauma. It's so unsettling. I don't think I can trust this person if they don't understand what they are doing has an effect on me. I think they are for little worksheets and reciting a textbook, but there is just no real care or concern unless again I am blind to it.

 

[hithere]

ok, I can't seem to operate this forum correctly. I was trying to quote UnicornSightings--and my post got stuck inside the quote. Anyway, thank you Unicorn. I really appreciate it.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Sometimes my T is "late" for appointments because the previous session ran over. He always apologizes if he is late though. And I try to be understanding about it because I've been on the other side of that too, as in I'm the client who is causing him to be late for his next appointment. When I have a really difficult session, he never stops in the middle of the conversation to kick me out of his office. He helps me regroup and get to an okay place before I leave and occasionally that pushes a little past my hour. I feel terribly guilty when that happens, but it would be even worse if he told me I had to leave before I felt somewhat safe to go. So, when I'm the one waiting in the waiting room and he is late because he is talking to someone else, I try to be understanding. If I am hurt or upset about waiting my T let's me express that though and we work through those feelings. This doesn't sound like what your T is doing. You have every right to be upset and hurt and a good T would be able to understand that and explore that with you. And saying you could just fire him if you wanted?! That would be very upsetting to me and damaging to the therapeutic relationship and I don't know that I'd be able to continue working with him. IF it was said as a joke or in reference to something jokingly, I might be able to work through that though I'd still be hurt. Your T's responses don't seem helpful or therapeutic to me. I'd talk to him about it and address it with him and if you just receive more of the same, then maybe it might be a good idea to fire him and find someone better.

 

[hithere]

I could never tolerate that. I get so triggered when anyone is late for anything. I know this is "beh...

I was really taught to never be late because my father was a salesman and were taught strictly to always be polite and consider other's feelings, and being late is a message that you don't care. Obviously the rest of the world wasn't taught this way and I need to relax on others for it. However, I'm going to be on time come hell or high water! I'm in sales myself now and I would never be late to an appointment or make a customer wait. Ever!

 

[UnicornSightings]

That's the MOST f*cked up thing with therapy for us who have gone through trauma. If we don't know how we are supposed to be treated (or rather DESERVE to be treated) then we have NO idea if how the therapist treats us is normal or not. Sooooooooo unfair but thank god for these forums. Please seek out other therapists. Like, you don't have to quit him but see a few others. Look at their approach. Pay so much attention to how they treat you. I feel like maybe this T is not ok and maybe not at all right for you. Would you be open to just talking to others? You don't even need to tell him. You don't owe him a damn thing.

 

[hithere]

Sometimes my T is "late" for appointments because the previous session ran over. He always apo...

Thank you. I really do need to see that it wasn't me. No, I do not get to explore my feelings with this T. In their defense on this, I don't know if they are uncomfortable with it or me. I've never explored my feelings or allowed them. They are very frightening to me. Occassionaly when I'm very triggered I will be asked "what does this mean to you" but then the T will quickly say I don't have to answer that question. I don't think they are comfortable with strong feelings or trauma stories. I don't know. It's my guess anyway. The psychiatrist admitted to me that he (the psychiatrist) doesn't know much about ptsd and that my T is their trauma expert. The MD admitted he didn't know that I was inside of a flashback in his office. This blew me away because I would think it odd if a grown woman starts begging over and over and over to not let anyone else in the room, is grabbing her head down to her knees trying to hide, that this would be considered abnormal behavior. This event sent me into a spiral for a month, grabbing at anything just to hold on and get through. suicidal. stopping in the middle of the freeway. I explained this whole flashback to my T the day after it happened. We did a thought record about it. So this last time when he was on the phone with the doctor's office and they were talking to him about how i don't want to go back to their building, (against MY WISHES!) he says to me "I never knew what happened at the doctor's office." This is something I could not even fathom that he didn't remember. I am still so hurt over this, more than the 15 minutes late, more than the comment, "I'm not going to answer you because of your mood" His perspective could be entirely different. It's just so disheartening. I think the 15 minutes late to almost every appointment is an indication of procrastinating to see me. I just feel very certain of this.