Do You Ever Get Over It

[amy]

Do you ever get over the trauma of sexual abuse? I wrote a short story for my Advanced English class and I just created a huge allegory about sexual abuse. I didn't express my story directly but I did touch base on it with the use of symbols. My English teacher loved it and she came to speak to me, she is now the first one to know I was abused sexually.
Ever since I wrote that story though, I've had a huge explosion of emotions. I feel so disconnected, school today was basically a blur with me floating from class to class. I still smiled, laughed, talked, but on the inside I was dying. It's killing me because I feel no one can understand me. I a straight a student who is about to be Salutatorian of my class but now I just don't see the point in working anymore. It's done begrudgingly now. I'm scared of what will happen when I start dating and eventually marry. What will I feel, will I be able to truly love him? How am I going to treat my children? God forbid I continue the cycle but I don't want to be disconnected. The only thing helping me is my friend and the Lord. I know He allowed this to happen to me for a reason; I can see why. Now I can help others who are in the same boat as me.
It's just I feel guilty for still holding so much emotion toward what happened.
Do you ever truly overcome the trauma?

 

[bluebird]

Amy, I am glad you were able to share your feelings with somebody you can trust - and using your writing skills is a great idea - I did it myself once, by letting a friend of mine first read a poem I wrote about a character from Dostoyevsky´s novel (unfrotunately, it´s written in my language, I don´t expext anyone here to speak it, for foreigners it sounds almost like a nightmare ;- ) Anyway, this is a really good way, just doing it slowly, step by step, somehow preparing the person you are about to confide is less difficult then starting to speak out of nowhere. I am glad your teacher is noticing.

I am not sure by the meaning of "get over" - you can not forget this experience, it doesn´t magically disappear - but it won´t hold power over your feelings and actions anymore. It needs some time in therapy and I am still at the beginning, so I am far away from being ok, but I have hope.

I struggle with unability to concentrate on studying as well - which seems kind of unfortunate at med school, but that would be another story :- ) Don´t try to smile forcedly when you are not feeling ok, it isn´t really helpful... You have the right to feel the way you feel. And you are always a good person, no matter your school results or the absence/presence of a perfect smile. But don´t give up of focus on school, not because of others, but because of yourself. Try to focus on the things you like, it will help you stay in the present day... Sometimes it can be really difficult.

If you are about to date somebody, it will should be a man you know well, a man who is close to you, a man you can trust and tell him everything about yourself. He won´t judge you for that (otherwise such a guy wouldn´t be wort wasting your time and you should run as fast as you can). There can certainly be difficulties in intimacy, but it can be overcome by the patience of your partner, his love and respect for you. The purpose of being intimate is not hurting or stealing the body of another person. Physical closeness reflects the love between two equal human beings. There may be moments when you would fall into your memories and confuse the present with past - keep in mind it is not your fault and that your boyfriend/husband is not trying to harm you. Be honest with your partner. Tell him if you feel scared. Don´t be ashamed to say no. Set your boundaries. You will learn what helps in such situation - to me it is stroking my hair and telling me not to be scared and then I calm down. Tell your partner what to do, make sure to agree on a gesture which means "stop" in case you are frozen and not able to speak - for example squeezing his hand or anything else you would figure out. You are not damaged! And you truly deserve a good and healthy relationship, which is possible to have.

And most importantly - it wasn´t your fault and these experiences didn´t transform you into some horrible twisted being. That´s not true. You are a good person and since you know from your own painful experiences how much harm can be done to a child, you would never be able to do that. The fact somebody hurt you did not make you evil. Nor being unable to love. Do not blame yourself for your emotions; try to let them go somehow, write here, write poems, paint you feelings... Again, you have the right to feel whatever you feel.

You are very strong and you have a genuinely good heart. God is with you and you are his beloved child... Always. You are never alone, although you may feel abandoned, you are never alone.

Take care <3

 

[cherryblossom]

Bluebird says it perfectly

I am not sure by the meaning of "get over" - you can not forget this experience, it doesn´t magically disappear - but it won´t hold power over your feelings and actions anymore.

If you have not already done so, I would urge you to seek out a therapist. Ideally one who specialises in trauma, and in particular sexual abuse. This wont just get better on it's own and the sooner you start to deal with it, the sooner you will begin to manage all your symptoms and worries better. Is there a school counsellor you could talk to, as a starting point?

 

[amy]

Oh I of course understand it's impossible to forget the sexual abuse. I wouldn't want to forget because I know that I can help others later in life who are struggling with this. My question was; can we ever overcome the emotions and feeling attributed to remembering. Thank you for the kind responses. I am meeting with my English teacher tomorrow morning; because we don't have a counselor we normally rely on the teachers. I'm glad to be able to talk to her so I will see how that goes. Although I will admit I am very nervous about it as well.
Right now I have gotten tremendously better since I wrote my last post; I feel so loved by the friends that I have. I suppose you just need to fall far down to realize how much love you are surrounded by. I know that I am going to go through more hurt and pain in the next few weeks as I heal, that's necessary; but for now I just feel so euphoric. My closest friend now knows about my situation and she is such a comfort.
I am so glad I found this forum because it is truly helping me speak uncensored about my emotions. :)

 

[amy]

I hate myself for this but I ended up avoiding my English teacher today. I couldn't do it-I know I will be more comfortable speaking to her during school hours though, so I WILL speak to her Tuesday. It's hard though; I'm so paranoid that she tell others about it (I know she won't but that's just me). Today was egh; my mood fluctuated a lot. But what ticked me off was speaking to my mom about a completely separate topic. I was saying how parents need to back off from their children when they are having a rough time in college so they can become independent. We can't depend on our parents forever. She agreed (we're talking about a family friend, not me) but she mentioned how the girl was going through a rough time in her life and was probably depressed because of a situation with her brother (honestly it isn't a huge deal. He just dropped out of college and went off to live in NY to be an actor). My mom unknowingly hit that sensitive button and I angrily said that the girl should get over it and she can't have mommy come drive 5 hours away during every life crisis. and my mom responded:
"You are only saying that because you've never been through a traumatic event."
(How is what the girl went through classify as traumatic anyways! I'm sorry if I'm being cruel but I'm tired of being overly sensitive toward peoples problems!).
Those words hit my heart like a dagger. It kills me in how my mom can say that but it's not her fault. She doesn't know and I don't plan on telling her. She doesn't need any more stress in her life and i don't want her worrying about me.
But it just goes back to my frustration of feeling like a little girl again-I'm innocent and haven't gone through life yet.
I just hope I can find some help in my English teacher...

 

[bluebird]

Amy, it is understandable you are afraid. But it is important to stay in contact with people who can help you and give you support. I kept avoiding them for two years, being such a fool - don´t make the same mistake I did. You can go into therapy (which doesn´t mean you are crazy!) and you can feel better. Your teacher sounds like a great person and she will certainly know how to find a therapist for you. You deserve help, don´t forget about it!

I am deeply sorry about this situation with your mother... I have a couple of similar experiences - after talking about domestic violence and abuse in a movie we were watching, my mum stated: "nothing like that ever happened within our family" and I was just standing here, hearing my own voice from the distance saying "no, of course not", then I went to another room and cried... After I told my parents it got much better. Although I didn´t plan to do this from exactly the same reasons as you. Then somebody told me something that slowly changed my mind.

I understand you struggle with this feeling " I should be a good girl, I shouldn´t be a problem, I should just smile and be ok, not even mentioning bothering anybody, especially my mother." But please, let me say this (and please, do not feel like I am pushing you into something, just think of it) - if you had a daughter, I am sure you would want to know. Just think about how would you feel after finding out later, that she didn´t trust you enough to protect her, that she tried to protect you... As a mother, you would want your daughter to tell you, you would want to be a supporter for her. "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." I know it is difficult to realise, but this doesn´t include only doing things which are pleasant for others, but also the things which are not. I am not saying you have to do this right now at this very moment, but maybe sometimes later it would be a possibility. Just think about it a little bit :- ).

Hope your talk with English teacher turns out well. Let us know how it went and take care.

 

[cherryblossom]

I always said that I wouldn't tell my parents. Eventually I did. I was kind of forced into it, and while it was the hardest thing I have ever done, it was also the best thing I've ever done. Telling your Mother is something I would (without doubt) tell you to seriously think about. That is really think about. Don't just dismiss it, because she doesn't need the stress. She worries about you anyway, that's what mother's do. But unless she knows, she can't help you. She could be someone who could offer you massive support in all sorts of ways, if you talk to her.

 

[amy]

It's so frustrating roadblocks come into our plans. It of course had to snow so there goes any chance of school for the next two days (Who knows how much more it's going to snow). I would never admit this anywhere but this forum where I am completely anonymous, but I am so glad that it's impossible for me to do a lot of the things I'm considering. Part of me just wants to go out and get high and drink myself into a numb stupor. I want to feel different than I feel now. Please don't worry about me though; I would never drink and I would never take drugs. Not only am I well aware of the consequences, but it would ruin my plans for my future. It just sounds so tempting right now. I've never been like this; not as strange as I'm feeling this week. I keep switching between happy and frustrated, depressed and elated. None of my emotions make sense and I can't understand which emotion is real and which emotion is fake. But that's ok as well, I'll figure it out one of these days. For now I'll just stare out my window and watch the snow fall.