Do You Ever Have People Stop Loving You

[falling_wave]

Im not sure what Im feeling exactly. I have made some mistakes but ones that hurt myself and not other people. I think my stress and ptsd reactions including isolating were what affected the people around me the most. Lately I've been doing a little better and have been aggressively correcting my mistakes. I know that some people but mostly my best friend/mentor/mother figure have been upset with the way I have handled things and I have noticed a lot of changs in our friendship even though we share the same house. Now I've corrected the mistakes and I was hoping that she would accept me back but the tension is still heavy. I tried to address it but she denies it's there so that's unvalidated. Please don't tell me that this is an unhealthy relationship because really it is primarily healthy and the healthiest one I've had. I'm not about to call it quits and I know I caused the damage. It's just hard when I've fixed it and there nothing in my power to do because I can't go back in time. Every time I see her I need to cough or try to eat something or whatevery I can to try to not let her see that I'm choking back the overflow of tears. I miss her and I want things to be back to normal. I just don't know if they will get there. Does anyone have any insights or similar experiences to this?

 

[Kintsugi]

Can you elaborate on the issue a little more? I'm getting that

• You feel you have symptoms and behaviors that damage relationships, particularly isolation
• You have damaged a relationship with this woman
  
• You changed several behaviors to make amends
  
• You feel she has rebuffed your efforts

I'm alarmed at the title of your thread; I doubt that is the truth of your situation. I know there have been times in my life where I did not communicate love in spite of it being there, especially in recovering a relationship that was put under stress.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you sure she really stopped loving you?

 

[falling_wave]

I've been struggling since I met her. I was still a teenager on my own coming accross the country by myself after a rough family situation. I made a lot of "growing up without support" type of stupid mistakes like buying a couch that was too expensive without measuring first, sending a rent deposit to someone who was trying to scam me, etc. At first she kind of got it. She was tough on me but I always felt that she cared. Now overtime I've made some mistakes choice of rent payment, taking on to much work and being overwhelmed, and getting most recently getting my license suspended because I had a lot of anxiety and couldn't handle until past the time it was due. I've found a stable career path job, I've moved several times, and today I spent the whole day running around and fixing the license issue despite my anxiety because she was right I had to make it a priority. She thinks once I've messed up as a teen I don't have the right to do it again. I know it's not an excuse but sometimes anxiety, nightmares, sleeplessness, etc. make it so hard to keep going and do everything right. Even if she called me on it but went back to normal after it was done I would respect and appreciate it. It's just the constant I wish you didn't do it in the first place thing. I can't change it and my hypervigalence thing makes me react by isolating and becoming really overwhelmed when I perceive her upset. And it just feels different this time. I don't even feel comfortable in the same room because the tension is so thick and that scares me.

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand @falling_wave , I have done things & tried also not to repeat them, & retained relationships. But, I have also been 'removed' from certain family members' interest or affections, or they perhaps were never inclined.

Without a doubt however the most disturbing was when (basically) the only remaining family member left decided that both I am to blame, & she will never forgive me, for an action or response I took. Though if I could go back I would alter it somewhat, I still view it as an insane situation & one wherein I had not many options left, & barely any say or 'rights' even then. It doesn't help that we had been close all our lives, & I never expected to be (ever) unable to trust her, or be in a position where I was despised or she wished I was dead. (I must confess it does nothing towards reducing my SI, especially when I think I have no other family really, nor spouse or children.)

Difficult position to be in. :( I can understand how others who have perhaps not experienced it can wonder if you are misinterpreting it. I can only say you can ask for forgiveness for what is your onus, & try to make amends, but you can't decide whether they will be accepted.

Give it time. The person said they don't feel that way. From my experience they would say otherwise if they felt otherwise.

Edited after your post to add, that would make me entirely uncomfortable. You are an adult, & doing the best you can, you have the right to your own life & consequences (as does she), especially if you are trying not to harm anyone else.

 

[falling_wave]

I think maybe this narrows down where I'm coming from a bit more.

I'm scared of losing important people, accomplishments, and improvements in my symptoms. I am really scared. It controls a lot of what I do. Some times when I make progress my mind unconsciously fears what that means I will be losing.

I'm afraid to show the people closest to me how intense my feelings can get probably because I am uncomfortable with it myself

I hate to disappoint and let people down because I feel like I have done that my whole life. I just want someone to be proud of me or give me a hug after a tough day.

 

[ms spock]

Give it time?

See a psychologist/psychiatrist to see if you are projecting your feelings?

 

[falling_wave]

Junebug thanks for understanding. I'm sorry you have had to go through this too. It's terribly lonely. I will try to just wait it out. Do you ever feel like you need to have a plan. It's really hard for me to not know what will happen. I feel my protective barriers go up and try to figure out how to protect myself from devastation before I even give it a chance.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope you get that @falling_wave . But I really hope you get that one day for just being you, that is enough & the worth.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it's been 8 years. I just decided recently to try to drop my guard entirely in our interactions, even if it seems illogical or a fast-track to pain (not self-protective). I try to communicate more gratitude, & to remember I would be devastated if something happened to them, since I know I love them even if they may not feel the same way about me. Selfishly I do hope however one day they may forgive me or not blame me. But I kind of doubt that may ever be the case.

 

[falling_wave]

I can relate so much. I'm going to try to work on letting go of my guard somewhat. I always communicate gratitude and care for my important people because I know how much that means to me and I want to give it. Even that though is self protective because I'm trying to say everything on my mind in case sone thing might happen and I would never get to say it. As I think about this I think the energy drained by protecting myself is a lot of what leads into my periodic panic overwhelm attacks and I'd like that to stop. Thanks for inspiring me to address that.

 

[ms spock]

The title "Do you ever have people stop loving you?" does not connect with your opening post for me. That is your fear that this person will stop loving you, but in actual fact you are living with this person, have daily interactions with them, and they have tried to reassure you that things are fine. Now things may or may not be fine. But it is not as catastrophic as your title suggests. So that leads me to believe you might want to start looking at some DBT and CBT stuff and look at your thinking.

You could be picking up a bit of hurt or disappointment from this person, but that is very different from someone potentially stopping loving you. This will pass with time.

You could be projecting your feelings of shame and guilt onto this person and you may be self sabotaging yourself. In an effort to keep yourself to keep yourself safe, you may inadvertently escalate the situation with you intense feelings of fear and uncertainty. If you are projecting your feelings on to this person then no amount of them reassuring you is going to work.

So seek therapy to work this out away, as much as possible.

It sounds like this person is really trying to give you support and has been around for awhile.

Remember feelings aren't facts. Our fears often don't happen.