Do You Ever Have People Stop Loving You

[falling_wave]

You've never had a good relationship so how do you know this one is a good one? It might be a bad one, but better than what you're used to.

I know it's not a bad relationship. I do wish sometimes that she could separate my mistake and consequence process that doesn't involve her from our friendship. I think this is how it has changed. Yes she did rescue me I suppose and she took responsibility over teaching me the ways of being an adult since no one else had. I needed that at the time but now I dont. I also need to learn how to have seperate views than her and feel the same about the friendship because right now her opinion does kind of control me but not because she is controlling. It is because I have more recovery work to do in seperating on somee aspects but not feeling loss. She makes a big deal of things because of her care for me and wanting better for me for the most part. Im just scared after all these years she is giving up on ever seeing me without struggles and is questioning her ability to keep going with me knowing that. I want to just say this. When I am free or almost free of symptoms and doing well we have so much fun together and are able to bond. She wants me to be better and sometimes I think my not doing better to her is taken as she failed on helping me because she really did so much. So through all that I know she doesn't want me broken or want to rescue me. She jus wants me better already. I need to speed up the process of getting there or just get better at seperating my symptoms from our relationship and her watch.

 

[scout86]

sometimes I think my not doing better to her is taken as she failed on helping me because she really did so much.

You might be right about that. If you are, it shows a place where she has a struggle of her own. You can encourage someone to get better, you can support them along the way, you can offer suggestions, insights, food for thought, but you can never MAKE someone else better. Sometimes people have trouble accepting that as fact. I know sometimes I do. But if you NEED someone to move in a direction for some reason of your own, like so you can feel like a success rather than a failure, life is probably going to get complicated.

Here's another aspect of the same idea. If something you've done has changed her feelings about you, that's a choice that is HERS to make, not yours. You've apologized, you've worked at making amends and improvements. What else can you do? You can't "make" her change her feelings any more than she can make you instantly better. If that's the case, you may just have to accept the fact that some people ARE that way (and they are), and drive on.

Best of all possible worlds, you can have an open and honest discussion with her about your feelings and hers. If you bring things out into the open, instead of trying to guess what the other is thinking, at least you'll have accurate information to work with.

 

[falling_wave]

Very true..thanks for that insight. All these perspectives are really helping unstick my mind so I can try to figure something out. I have therapy and then I am going to talk to her so I'll let you guys know how things resolve.

 

[falling_wave]

I talked to my T and she really focused on two things. She was trying to teach me through many of my situatons the difference between conditional and unconditional love which really I had never though about. Also through everything I was saying she seconded some of you by seperating what my feelings were and what her feelings are because I'll drive myself crazy if I take responsibility for feelings other than my own. I'm still struggling a bit with the whole thing but at least I have some solid things to work on, which will help me learn skills for future, relationships while I wait this one out. I feel so much stronger knowing I have do many supporters out there!

 

[falling_wave]

Just wanted to let you guys know that things are going better for now. I have been doing deep cleaning in the house, put flowers on the table, and have been eating healthy, exercising, and showing her that I can be healthy. She didn't respond when I told her things feel different but I know she thought about it. She appreciates the cleaning and text me ask me if I did it and thank me. It sounds minimal but that made me feel so much more secure and took away so muh anxiety. Next time I saw her I acted happy and normal and it's like things switched. After two straight weeks of being really angry at me she decided it was over. I am so happy. A lot of it was you guys so thanks. I am still watching out because I have learned that her love is sort of conditional but I am working on not reacting so strongly now that I can see what is going on and a pattern. Also my T helped me to see that one of my strongest emotional type triggers is when someone is angry at me and I can't do anything about it because that is their choice. It's like when my parents would get angry and no amount of love or good actions could change what would happen. I just felt lost and alone. Well, now that's identified and I can process and work on that so it's a really important step and for now I'm enjoying having my friend back.