Alone VS Lonely
IMHO I prefer to be alone, yet I'm not lonely. I have scheduled specific times to socialize and I enjoy those parties, meetings and group get togethers yet I always enjoy coming home to the peace and quiet.
Now that I'm retired, I enjoy getting up everyday knowing that I no longer have to do so many pressing, time contrained, stressful, anxiety causing deadlines. Fighting the daily grind of commutes in and out of the city. I moved out to the country, no more urban car traffic all hours of the day and night. We live far off the road so that even the loud logging trucks and vehicles with no muffler are not so loud.
If I need company I get online and write a quick note to a friend or relative, call a friend or relative on the phone or just get dressed, get in my car and go somewhere. I'm basically a loner at heart, never have been much of a people person but still did all sorts of work, volunteer work and club work to offset that tendency.
I came to realise, regretably much too late in life, what co-dependency was and had several girlfriends through school and also during adulthood who were too co-dependent upon me to occupy their time. I came to a point where I resented them (never said that to them though) always wanting me to be their "end all be all" friend. I had so much to do and why didn't they? There I was with a husband, four kids, four horses, one cat, one dog, teaching Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, PTA school activities, work activities where one is required to voluteer during their off time, club activities and each of the children's various sports activites, being the "mom taxi" and neighbor hood watch coordinator, not to even mention all the daily cooking and cleaning duties. My calendar was way too full, at times I just wanted to go crawl into a hole. I was so stressed I wanted to pull my hair out. I was chronically people pleasing. I was a door mat of a wife.
I have days now where I don't even turn on the TV, the birds can be heard twittering outside in the trees and if I open the windows on nice days it's the wind rustling through, at night it's the crickets chirping and frogs croaking. I read books or cook or clean around the house (in and outside) play with my dog, plan a home improvement project, just about anything I want to do. I have learned to judiciously say "No, thank you" I do so politely, and I don't feel like I have to give a reason. It's my business anyway! Not theirs. I no longer am plagued with guilt if I say no. That complex has been shattered. YEA!
I too understand, as the others have stated, that one needs to have company, as long as it's good company that's just fine, the emotional vampires can take a hike. Daily drama can suck the life out of even the most emotionally healthy soul, as people with PTSD we cannot afford, even for one moment, to allow this to happen to us. That brings in the discernment factor. To learn to quickly size up the wheedlers, the users, the abusers, the bullies, the emotional vampires, the whiners, the continuously needy, the back stabbing two faced good buddies, the fair weather friends and the down right selfish. Like a virtual broom, sweep them right out of your life. Set your boundaries, be discreet about who you allow into your life and into your time.
I cannot emphasize this one aspect enough. It was the most freeing, spiritually uplifting, and most soul satisfying moment of my life when I learned to say no to these people who were on me like ticks. My oldest sister was one of the very worst and to have finally told her, unequivically, unabashedly and with no compunctions that I would no longer be associating myself with her (she was one of my abusers and her husband was one of the pedophiles) and to never call me, write to me, email me, come over or even acknowledge my existance. I shut the door for once and for all to the originators of my personal problems.
Learn to love yourself, be appreciative of what all you have done, enjoy the quiet moments of solitude. Learn to meditate, learn to breath, learn to balance what is out there with what is inside of you. Give thanks to your ownself for getting to where you are right now.
OK, I wound up being on my own little soapbox and the preaching is over. HA! Love, map9
