Do You Forget Flashbacks? Warning I Got Long Winded

[Deleted member 93]

I really want to say thank y'all. I am still out of it a bit. I feel like I am on a hair trigger. Meditating the shit out of myself and not working. I am knowing though this is something I will need to ride out. My eyes are so swollen and I have no clue why. I have slept but I look and feel like I have had zero.

My pets are avoiding me. I have a cat (one of them) that you can never be attentive enough to. She is now hiding from me wanting to hold and pet... She may be losing hair now LOL. Cookie who normally is up my butt during anxiety is hiding too. I think I have been stroking her too much too. Now Opal, well, poor Opal. Since she is a bird and her "safe spot" is to get closer works well for me. I can hold and pet her until the cows come home. And since she is a "furry" chicken she is nice to pet. Hubs has insisted Cookie did come curl up with me when I dozed off.

I went to hubs work and the car was parked in the back of the lot, car lot so junk cars around me and fenced. I locked all the doors and slept a few hours in the back seat. That was nice. No idea why, but it worked.

My house is trashed, yes, it only takes a day or two with a toddler. I am in a frenzy as in 45 minutes people are supposed to be here for the fridge.

I agreed to the shrink but only to look into sleeping pills. My symptoms are 10 times worse when sleep gets out of hand so I will try that route.

At this point the time from the flashback to now is real fuzzy. I know I vid chatted with bec while at hubs work. I know a guy who worked there introduced himself touched my shoulder and I wanted to fall apart. I told hubs to tell him never ever touch me. The guy is very jovial and meant no harm but I wanted to scrap my skin off. Apparently I found out that everyone there knows I have PTSD. Nice, not. I was told after work.

Well, I think I am going to try to force a shower and take an antihistamine that the box claims is a sleeping aid. I just need to be out.

Again thanks guys. Just need to not be so PTSDey right now.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Veiled,

I hope this pases soon, and you feel better...

((((((Hugs)))))


Wen

 

[becvan]

Your doing great V. Your focusing on self-care that is what is important right now. Don't worry about not remembering the last few days, I don't remember much of the last few weeks! ;)

I hope you get some sleep and ring me if you need anything!

bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

Not so good here. PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving.

OK, I learn dickhead is what situation I am "anniversarying" over. Now this was a really WONDERFUL change of pace today. Person for fridge shows up 15 minutes early (nice gesture) too damn bad my son was on time so I had to deal with them. Ack. I go lay down I think, I was in my room, maybe just staring at a wall, who knows? So doorbell rings. I get up and realize I striped down all nakedy Any way no clue how or why I was like that, maybe I was going to take my bath and forgot? OK, can't go to the door like that! And who the hell is here?

Son is at the door talking to someone. A very tall someone. A dark haired someone, a skinny someone. He looked just like dickhead. Apparently it was about the tree the storm that had just blown through and blew down on the lines in my back yard. My son ended up translating the gibberish that came out of my mouth.

Well, I guess we can cut up the tree and put it to use.

The guy just tripped me out. People stay away. And of all the times I have to have some skinny bastard about 6'6" tall show up is now?

I spoke to my mom too. Most here know that is not always a good thing and had cut her out of my life until someone gave her my phone number. She is trying to be maternal. She was being very nice. Wanting me to come and take a break and rest at her house, "You can rest, sleep in, watch TV...". She wants to take me shopping and spend time with me. If I were not a confused blubbering idiot yet, well, I am now. I told hubs and I think he thinks I hallucinated again LMAO.

OK, that is all I think. I will try to keep myself from spacing out and my clothing from disappearing... :rofl: Better laugh about this, I don't want to be crying when the haul me off!

 

[Deleted member 93]

Lisa,

It is sort of comforting knowing why I am reacting as that means I know and I would think I could act to fix it. It seems more though like it is just a birthday or something, I do not want it but it will be here and it will pass.

Why I react so badly is still beyond me. I have pulled this trauma inside out. I mean nothing is left to process. So why does it do this? It drives me nuts and I really hate how I just do not see it coming. I just have no idea how to process it further. The guy is walking and got off because I delayed reporting it. I still feel hate for him never paying for this but I would expect that is normal.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Veiled,

Just a guess here....

Ok you have processed everything. You are hateful that the guy never paid for what he did.....You have turned the trauma inside out to figure things out.

Have you ever tried looking back at your emotions at the TIME your trauma was taking place??? I know that this is really really scary, but it's the one thing that has really helped me. When I have a flashback, I let it happen. I don't fight it. I then try and focus on the emotion I was having at the time of my event. As an adult now, I try and justify what I was feeling back then. If it was fear, hatred, shame or whatever emotion it was.....I find that if I focus on the emotion, and OK the emotion, the flashback ends quicker, and isn't as painful...

Don't know if I am making any sense here......I guess I am trying to say that I heal the emotion, by giving myself the permission to have felt that way at the time.....

 

[Deleted member 93]

Yea, delayed response here but I am here momentarily. Thursday I spoke of I went with hubs to work I took the xanax. There was too hard of the crash. This past weekend I am finally recovering from. I spent Sat - Tue puking my guts up non stop and bec patiently trying to talk me through days of misery.

Saturday was blind loss of control of symptoms. Everything I know that gets me through the day went out the window. As hubs put it he was poking pills down my throat to get me "back to reality" and get me rest. This Wednesday (today a few hours ago) my anxiety was cycling still hard and lost control again tonight and he said I needed to take it before we had a replay of the last several days. He said you need to get through your anniversary with help. He said my refusal of meds for days until I crash this hard is part of it as the anxiety attacks go on for so long I am too worn to even get my CBT exercises done. He said you are so scared of withdrawals again or being always on them you fight it the pills causing even more anxiety. My panic attack seems to find an all new level for almost an hour after taking them until they kick in. Just confusing. Neither one of us want me on it. But I never want it and he says I have to accept I do need it sometimes. Maybe he is trying to help me recognize a compromise? He seems to think after withdrawing a year and being off for a few months that my intense fear of addiction and pills will keep me safe from that replay.

Yes, I did an amazing in depth ripping apart of the trauma and understand the emotions involved. I even went and purposely triggered myself to pull out the emotions last year and blindly wrote what I lived and felt at the time and even uncovered things I did not recall. It was quite the break through when I did it last year. All I can guess is the really deep screwed up traumas may never go away. If my 2 major triggers are twice a year and I cannot control or remove as they are anniversaries I may just be stuck with them.

I am really not sure how to get over the anniversaries as they make me so damn ill. I have managed to do exposure and work on other triggers (I can now enjoy fires in my home with out bad recalls). I think about it and get lost in the fireplace but I am not deathly ill... But again maybe as I just started using the fireplace maybe I don't realize it could be adding to triggering as I don't feel an intense fear of it or the smoke smell now, but I am sick.

Well like I said hubs said I need my pills tonight as he saw another bad crash coming like last weekend and I needed to calm down now as I was going on hour 6 of my CBT going out the window.

Do I have to accept some triggers may never leave? Exposure won't work all the time for everything? And I am still osing time and forgetting so much I did during the day. No kids tomorrow so maybe that will help.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Oh Veiled I am so sorry that things are this rough for you right now... I never got to the point of puking with my anxiety attacks. I was already bulimic so self induced puking was a given......

I was told by a shrink once that anxiety was caused by 2 emotions. Fear or anger, and to figure out which one was causing the anxiety, and I would get over the attack quicker. This has worked for me, I wish it would work for everyone..

If you can manage your anxiety the rest of the time, it may be wise to take the meds when your anniversary dates are approaching, to help you get through, so that you aren't to the point of collapsing. Yes I know that you are afraid of getting dependent.....but you now know how bad it can be so I wouldn't worry too much.

Not sure about your triggers.......Mine I have learned to manage pretty well, through exposer, and just accepting them.... Keep working at it, and hopefully you can get to a point that you too can deal with them...


Hugs, and I wish I had more to offer you....

Wen

 

[Deleted member 93]

I guess I think that was part of my question. Exposure. I still do exposure therapy. Nice thing it is controlled. I can do a little, get sick and recover and then hit it again all the while controlling how much to control how sick. Keep repeating until I just get anxious or am better. Anniversaries. Those cannot be put into a controlled situation. They happen and they last until it is done. I know exposure does not work for anything if you are only doing it twice a year either.

Over exposure won't allow healing and living around Houston was over exposure and kept me very sick. Hence my move. I had to do a lot before I got to the point of even attempting exposure therapy.

Just too much exposure can make you collapse. The general time of year I guess just makes you crash. I have such a hard time accepting this is a trigger I cannot beat. As I cannot say OK I will take on this much of it now, and in a week or so a little bit again... It is just all in your lap at once. I guess it just really pisses me off to be reminded I am really sick. Just as you round the bend to think well maybe I have just some anxiety issues and not really PTSD the nightmares, collapsing, puking, pains, insomnia (gets worse), the escape route you are looking for returns, everything just comes back to bite you on the ass and points out yes, you do have it and one of these days you will accept it. OK I am just bitching now ;)

 

[Deleted member 541]

Veiled are you trying so hard to figure out the trigger that you are getting yourself all worked up???? I know that the dates for you are tough, you know they are coming so is it possible that you are on guard to the point that your body reacts??? Or when it finally hits that the date is here that you go into overdrive to try and protect yourself from what you think might be coming???? Just asking I guess to get a better feel for what you are going through.

I wonder if hypnotism might be an avenue for you to explore... It can be helpful with some traumas. Might be worth looking into. Hell if you can't figure it out, get rid of it.......

Hope you're doing a little better.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Just Updating

I thought I was getting better. The outrageous panic attacks seemed to calm to more mild versions but shit is all I can tell you what day is when and where though I had moments of even hours being myself. I know I did chat Saturday afternoon. Even with bec teasing about a can in my hand that maybe I was having a drink (I was drinking a sprite and munching crackers just FYI and she was teasing). I think that could have been partially triggered by a coke I drank.

But for what ever reason I crashed again after that. The Panic was no holds barred. Sprite and crackers being the mainstay of my diet lately for almost two weeks did not help as I was throwing up unmercifully again and IBS decided to let me know there was indeed more damage that could be done.

Have I had more flashbacks? Hell if I know. I can barely sleep. The other day I finally crashed for a few hours and hubs woke me as it had been too long since any food. Well, half a piece of bread left soon after! I was bumping into walls everything spinning when he tried to get me to the toilet. I did not make it out, I had to have a trash can brought in. I am literally screaming at God at this point and begging hubs to take me to ER. Hubs of course really wished had not woken me at that point as it was immediate the panic set in.

I don't know if it because I had to take Xanax at that point and yet again last night that I am so pissed off or lack of sleep. I am just a hair trigger and feel so damn sick and dizzy still. The Xanax was last night as hubs needed me out to help pick out lil' one's halloween costume (last minute, yes) and to get my wide range of supplements again that I have not taken in forever.

If is everything I have not to tell any and everyone to **** off. I made the mistake of trying to eat food so I already feel it coming back. All I can describe is hate and rage at the moment. Maybe I am bi polar too, who the fk knows?

I just want the complete loss of control gone, I want to stop puking and shitting, I want the room to hold still. I want people to quit acting like idiots. Is that really too much to ask for as I am so ready to get off the ride!

Shocker of the day, I took my supplements. Any and every pill trips a panic attack and somehow they did not.

I am looking aroung the house which is wrecked by a 3 yo that needs to be cleaned, I need a bath, I need to cook supper, I CANNOT get a job and help, and even though I have certain little pet peeves it seems everyone waits until I crash to do those! Is it so ****ing hard if you put shit in the wash to not leave it there so it gets stinky and has to be rewashed? Does shit HAVE to sit in a dryer for a day before being pulled out? I swear I am going to dismantle the thing so they have to use the clothes line out back.

I want to stay in bed and hide while these wrecking balls I call family can just trash the whole damn place to their hearts content and I do not have to look. Why does me being too unwell to work mean I am the ****ing maid? I like to cook. I like to do things for them but when they get in my way of doing it or refuse to help I want to yank every head off. Oh the "help". Looks like a crackhead or what ever got wired and made a bigger mess before the buzz wear off and leave the bigger mess for me to fix.

And then I freecycled my daughters old clothes. Pick up at hubby's work not here. The lady did not READ to see it was girls clothes even though her/she/girls clothes were all over the ads. She had a boy and says that is what she thought for. I tell her OK sorry you read it wrong I will give it to the next responder (several) so I did and made immediate arrangements. This person e mails me saying but she still wants them! I say sorry already pending pick up by another and she pops back THANKS ALOT! FU! My shit anyway.

Ah **** the world right now, I am too tired for this shit.

To top it off I know I need my herbal teas to cool my jets but if too tired as it will happen then I cannot clean a thing and the mess will only be compounded when the hairy wrecking crew get home. (son and hub)

I wish I could tolerate life outside the home, I need a job so I can have a break!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Veiled,

I am going to stick my neck out here(probably get it bit off by you).......So....Who and what are you really pissed at????

All the family shit is just the build up as I see it. That stuff is crap that you deal with on a daily basis. Yeah sure it can get to you, but not as pissed off as you are right now....So again...Who or what are you really pissed at?????

I am NOT trying to piss you off, just trying to figure out what you are pissed at.

Hugs,

Wen