General Do You Get Used To Symptoms? Or Just Learn To Accept?

[Mrs. T]

At the moment, I know H is going through a hard time. He has been shutting down fast when we talk. Today, I was travelling over an Hr to go to work. When I left, it was a sad departure as he was very quiet and seemed upset with me. Soon after he called saying he wanted to come for the drive. I came back and picked him and the kids up. We didnt talk about how things had been...there was no point. I knew it was what he has been going through.

This evening, we got home and the money he had was gone. I don't understand what happened to it. I trust him, so that's not the issue. I'm just a bit bothered because that was all we had until Tuesday. So I tried asking what happened to it and he took my questions like an interigation. He shut down and I shut up, knowing this wasn't going well. I tried changing the subject so he knew I wasn't overly bothered by it, but he had already shut down.

He went to bed. Now, I'm lying here just bothered by how the evening went and I now can't seem to sleep, even though I was so looking forward to bed, earlier.

Do people get used to this? Is this just something I will accept or get used to once I have a better understanding? Will I always be wondering whether I did something wrong this time? How can I know if I did or didn't? How can I live my life comfortably when the man I love is far from comfortable? Maybe comfortable is not the best word...just don't know a better one. I guess I'm just wondering how to get by the symptoms without ignoring them...?

 

[amethist]

Hi Mrs T

I dont think you actually get used to it all, you just become accustomed to the symptoms and learn how to cope easier over time.

There was a time when my husband would go down hill fast, and I was like a swan, calm and cool on top managing what was going on, but paddling like mad underneath. The it was "Oh here we go again", and now it is more like "OK, supporter mode time".

This has not been an over night thing, it has taken me over 4 years to get to this point.

Like they have to take baby steps to heal, so do we, though it feels like we have to be at least 3 steps in front of them at times.

Some times they react to things in a way we dont expect, others they surprise us by reacting better than they did to a similar thing a few weeks back.

I hope that helps a bit.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thanks. That does make a lot of sense. I know it will take me a while to learn that, but now I know what mindset I'm working towards.

H was his regular self this morning. Obviously wasn't as bothered about how the night ended, as I was. Can't wait to learn how to let the little things go...

 

[amethist]

Sometimes the little things hit harder than the big ones. When we really should let them go, and just worry about the bigger things.

Remember the saying "Its the little things that mean a lot", unfortunately it work with PTSD too.

Hubby said something about an hour ago, which made me inwardly gasp. :rolleyes: He told me he had been thinking about going to the pub for an hour after I got home from shopping. But decided it would not be a good idea for a number of reasons.

I felt the gasp, because of him mentioning the pub, when I should have thought good for him making the right decision on that one. Though outwardly I did tell him he had got his priorities right.

He can go now occasionally and just drink a couple of shandies, but past experiences still have me inwardly panicking.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thanks for mentioning about the little things vs the big things. I get down on myself for my reactions to things but it helps to know its more or less normal. Doesn't make it good, but helps me work towards improving while not being so hard on myself.

Past experience. Hmm. Past experience with H and drinking scares me too. I know he is smart about it in his mind, which is reassuring, but when times get really tough he doesn't think through what he's doing, and he over does it.

He often goes out to a pub/lounge and sits drinking his cranberry juice. Last week, while on meds, had two drinks. He drove home. When he got home he was not himself but wasn't exactly acting drunk either. When I mentioned he seemed drugged or something, he told me what he drank (which usually does nothing to him) and even mentioned that it could be the meds combined. I mentioned that he shouldn't have driven and he kinda snapped at me and tried convincing me he was 100% fine. This, obviously contradicting his admitting how he was only seconds before I mentioned driving.

The next morning, he apologized because he remembered nothing from the night before. We talked about it and he agreed that what he did was not smart and shouldn't happen again.

Where do you go from there? I understand his draw to alcohol. When things are going well, he doesn't care if he has alcohol or not. When things are not going well, he can drink without thinking. He often goes out to his usual place because he is distracted there and feels calm. Not to drink but to relax. Unfortunately drinks are served there...

I think its scarey for both of us. But in the mean time, he's fighting to stay sane and how can I blame him?

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's really helpful to me when my hubby tells me how he feels about something afterwards. Because I may not have noticed, or I thought something different (usually more negative) than what was happening.

But not in the moment. He scares me worse when I'm in the moment if I'm feeling defensive and my brain shuts off and my mouth seems to say whatever is most likely to allow me to escape.

 

[Middle of Nowhere]

My poor H doesn't seem to know up from down with me, then again neither do I. We're recently separated and in therapy together (great another T). I feel it's all my fault...but a marriage is the responsibility of two people not one. (why is that so easy to say here and hard to say to him?)

 

[Mrs. T]

Definitely helpful when he tells me after how he feels about what happened.

The whole money thing I mentioned earlier, I thought would go over better the next day. He took my asking again as me 'asking him over and over and over again and his answer was not going to change'. I was only asking him for the second time because the first time he shut down and didn't answer me. He thinks when I ask it means I don't trust him. Trust has nothing to do with this...I just feel like its my business to know. Oh well, I'm kinda thinking this will probably not be an on going problem.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It is your right to know what the financial situation is. That is a reasonable request any spouse should be willing to answer, even if painful.

Can you see the statements online and maybe releive him of the distress of telling you? My hubby gets so upset when we can't make ends meet because he feels like he's failing. :(

But we get through it somehow. It is still very hard.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((MrsT)))) & (((((MiddleOfNowhere))))))

 

[Mrs. T]

I think the feeling of having to be the bread winner is a natural and good trait for a man to have. But I think H sometimes puts too much blame on himself. I know he feels like he's failing. He mentioned it once. Only said it once, but I think that one time meant his feelings may be magnified a lot more then that.

Since things started getting really tight, we started using cash as a way to better control spending and to not have any surprises (like bills being paid and forgetting about t, thinking the money was still in the account). So I can't see what things were spent on.

He did explain to me, but just took my asking as a bad thing. I Just want to feel free to ask questions in this topic. But usually I really don't have to ask because we usually talk about where the money went before any questions have to be asked.

I worry about what blame or offense he feels for things that I say or things that happen at home. I think he holds so much in. He's not at all one to show anger...but i know he's holding that in. He doesn't seem to have an outlet.

 

[Mrs. T]

Middle of nowhere. I hope things work out for you and yours husband soon. That's no fun...