Do you give your therapist feedback?

[Deleted member 34328]

My T encourages both negative and positive feedback.

He told me once quite a while ago that one thing as a therapist that you just have to accept is that you get very little feedback. You can work with a client, but really not know if it's helpful or not.

If I recall, this was mentioned after I called a halt to something we were working on. He thanked me for being honest.

Since then, the times we bang heads the most is when there's been a lack of communication. I've held back from sharing my real opinion. I think it's important to let them know when something they did or said was very helpful or supportive but also when it isn't. If they don't know, how can they adjust their approach with us?

 

[Tinyflame]

I saw this, but it got me thinking, I totally understand if people are paying big money for a service. And I think, communication, and sincerity, help for understanding.

But JMHO which might be off for most, but I know I get triggered- in the true sense of the word, or have a hair trigger. But disclosure or asking for help requires putting yourself 'first' or at least requires some expectation for yourself, a supposition of worth I suppose, which I find difficult to find or maintain, yet we are required to be responsible for our own attempts at healing. It also self-fulfilling and not warranted when it goes off the rails.

I cannot, in good conscience, blame someone if I know they are a good person, doing the best they can. But the outcome is too painful, so I give up to try.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

yet we are required to be responsible for our own attempts at healing. It also self-fulfilling and not warranted when it goes off the rails.

I'm not sure what you mean? Would you mind clarifying that for me?

 

[Tinyflame]

Oops, sorry, forgot word,

It also feels self-fulfilling and not warranted when it goes off the rails.

Feels like the help for myself is not warranted or entitled.

It was hard to articulate then, it is now too. (TL;DR)..

For myself and myself alone, I mean, breaking it down:

-It is said (rightfully so), we have to work on/ do our own healing: the motivation, desire, homework, effort, responsibility. Challenge ourself and own thoughts.
Who am I to disagree, or rather, if any person out there finds something they disagree with with their T or otherwise they can say, 'I don't feel that applies'. I don't see that as negative feedback but just communicating.

For myself the process of asking for help triggers me. On top of that, I would be quite surprised from what I've learned if I 'don't have' a condition which for unknown reasons causes an inordinate level of distress and painfulness at real or perceived instances of rejection or failure, and more; unfortunately (so researchers say) CBT does nothing to prevent it- only 'clean up', after experiencing it. All that seems to work are 1 or 2 drugs- either one working in only 1/3 of those who try both. So even asking for help sets me up for that.

Even leaving out the above, I've got the baggage from childhood to contend with, and even neglect breeds more for 99.99% total independence being perceived or conceived as the only natural- or even possible- route to choose. That also ties in to my worth.

Parallelly, what I have been given and helped with is all pro-bono and/or friendship based; to react in a negative manner (even though triggered or set off), precludes memory of what I've received, how I view the other's character, etc.; it's in a (negative) contrast not 'earned' nor warranted. However, since it's not based on me 'expecting' for myself, nor feeling entitled, nor wanting my own way, nor expecting to be agreed with, but still feeling like I should have known better, yet my internal response not reflecting or in concordance with actually who I am, or what I feel or believe, that is, to blame someone else or that they should have 'negative feedback- ie it's not warranted. Then after feeling bad about how I felt, I feel bad about how I acted, and like a POS anyway.

In essence, it would be like responding appropriately in terms of 'what' emotion, but out of line for the amount of emotion. And yet unlike simple emotional regulation, tied so deeply to past history, current self-perception and/or even genetics, it's too painful to risk trying to overcome/ go through again.

Not sure if that makes any sense, just applicable for me. Aka most anger or hurt or negative feelings from myself I deem more reflective of my own self or short-comings because of all that is 'me' and at the same time not giving credit for other's past good/ kind acts and (good) character.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thank you for your response @Junebug . I think I understand a bit better where you're coming from.

I think it's wonderful that you're finding what seems to be helpful and what isn't. You're right. I don't think there really are 2 people exactly alike.

However, even pro-bono or friendship based, I don't see why it isn't helpful to simply ask for clarification or a thanks, that helped. Both are feedback and can help future sessions.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't see why it isn't helpful to simply ask for clarification or a thanks

Thanks- of course. The rest causes pain, why revisit or repeat, just more pain.

When you are rejected by those who are supposed to care, you don't feel good about reaching out to anyone who doesn't have to.

You learn quickly you are worth nothing.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@Junebug you are worth it. I hope to think that we all are, even though it doesn’t feel that way due to repeated experiences.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thanks- of course. The rest causes pain, why revisit or repeat, just more pain.

When you are rejected b...

It is awful when we try to reach out for help only to find rejection. I get feeling defeated.

I hear you. Don't give up. Just the fact that you did reach out more than once shows a strength of character. A desire to be heard. You went to great lengths here to explain and clarify for me. I appreciate that very much.

You're more than worth fighting for. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just the fact that you did reach out more than once shows a strength of character. A desire to be heard.

I know that you probably won't ever see this, but I wanted to say thank you for your kind words, as they gave me courage. I had read them but was at work. Though I don't possess character, or strength, don't even need to be heard, more the opposite of being weak or useless at the managing of this.

Thank you (both) for your kindness, and I wish you well :hug: .

 

[Mee]

I have identified I have a fawn response. Learning not to do this with my T, who is a really important relationship, but a contractual one however much I like her and benefit from the arrangement is important. I say thank you each session and She checks in every couple of weeks I am ok with the work we are doing. We are both open, expressive people and communicate as we go.

If I had negative feedback I think she would be open to it. I have not yet had it. I would find it a challenge but I think she would be ’proud’ of me for bringing it to her.

 

[ShadowWolf]

I do give feedback now. It took me several months in order to feel comfortable enough to give negative feedback. But my therapist has always said he appreciates it.

I think communication is really important in therapy. I know it sounds basic, but it took me a long time to realize they aren't mind readers, and feedback is important.

 

[Freida]

I’m not there to build some kind of friendship with my T, I’m there to work through my issues. And there’s more than enough of them. Focusing on compliments and complaints for my T? Would be pure avoidance for me.

@Sideways pretty much spoke for me. I'm not there to help her get better at her job. I'm there to work on my issues. If there is a problem I don't have an issue with bringing it up -- but that's not why I'm there....