Do You Lie To Those You Care - To Hide The Truth?

[Deleted member 541]

When people ask me how I am.......Shit if I told them the truth...I would depress them too...LOL!!!!! I just kind of say, "Oh I am ok." In reality I am so frigging depressed that I want to just give up. But I kind of fake it through, put on a fake smile and go about with doing whatever.

I actually asked someone today how they manage to be happy all the time. She told me that if I opened myself up and looked around at things outside of myself, I would see all the miracles happening in the world. I replied, "I really hate optimistic people." Then we both had a chuckle and a good talk about depression and how to TRY to overcome it......

 

[Cecilia]

Sometimes I am not completely honest, but I think that is normal for most people. I have left work because of anxiety, but told my superviser that I was ill and needed to leave immediately. If I didn't leave immediately, the anxiety may escalate and cause an embarrassing situation.

 

[Cindy]

Sometimes honesty can also have repercussions

Recently at work I was experiencing constant triggering to the point I had to take 8 days off or go in the hospital. At the time I was totally losing it, My therapist and psychiatrist offered to inform my employer about my PTSD or to talk with my primary physician and work up something with him for my employer.

Bottom line, it was clear if I told my employer my workplace would be forever changed with their knowledge of my disorder. The principal was a little mystified to my strong response to my classroom colleague and could not understand why I was having such difficulties (crying in his office three or four times, taking the time off, etc). I am well respected as a veteran teacher and can handle the most difficult classes. It was hard for them to get a handle on what was going on. They were missing the link that brought it all together. This guy was honestly a nightmare for the students and me. He was terminated after 6 months (it was his 15th job in 15 years).

Ultimately, I decided not to let the cat out of the bag. I got huge amounts of medication and toughed it out. If this monster was allowed to stay I don't think I could have made it through the year. I would be taking a medical leave. I definitely am dealing with retraumatization right now.

 

[Roo]

I think the worst lies are those we believe about our selves, our worth, our essential humanity; this is the worst betrayal: that we believe we are unworthy to exist, or to exist without mercy...I found this quote today and it gets at what I've been trying to express:

"The danger is not that the soul should doubt whether there is any bread, but that, by a lie, it should persuade itself that it is not hungry." (Simone Weil)

Survivors...have such hungry souls. May we all be nourished. :Hug_emoticon:

Roo

 

[Grama-Herc]

Sisu

Regarding the lies he tells you when you ask him to go somewhere. I can answer that one for you. I spent years coming up with good lies. It is not that he wants to lie to you. He is terrified to tell you the truth. How does a grown man explain to his girl friend that he is scared to go. He literally, physically, emotionally and mentally can not make himself go with you. It is a fear in him. A very deep seated fear--of what you ask---even he does not know the answer to that question.

I can tell you from experience that when I would be asked to go someplace, I would break out in a cold seat, I would start to tremble inside and actually get nausous.

I know that I don't have to lie about this anymore and yet it is still hard to say, sorry I can't. Reason-----you are going to ask why! Try giving him space. Ask, invite and then when he gives you his lie, just say Ok, and don't take it personally. Hopefully he wil get to the point where he will feel comfortable just saying Sorry, I can't.

But the reason we lie is the truth is to hard to explain. So by not asking why not you will help him so very much.

 

[sisu]

Herc,
You are right. As I stated in another post in here...I tend to try to fix the problems I see and the way to fix a problem in someone with ptsd is to allow them to fix it. I keep wanting to see him, so I can talk to him and help him. But because he is not "there" yet and cannot talk to me about it, it forces him to lie to me. He cannot bear the truth....the fact that he cannot be around me right now.

I have no doubt about his love for me, but that is not always enough. As much as I can give him unconditional love, if he cannot see and accept it for what it is, it doesn't matter. His "walls of protection" are high and thick right now.

I do tease him that I see cracks in "his walls" and he says he is going to go and repair his walls with cement immediatley. We can still laugh and joke about this even though it is painful on the heart.

Sisu

 

[nic]

I don't lie, but I sure as heck omit...A LOT! I don't see that as lying, though. I think that sometimes I'm just not able/ready/comfortable telling someone something.

 

[Thornyrose]

I think I can relate to that 2nd post?

It's the mask of a PTSD sufferer, well it was for me. Never being truhtful with myslef meant that I would not be with others' either. I thought I had to present myself to the world in a certain way in order to feel accepted.

It's scary sometimes to admit that you are vulnerable, not coping, not as you feel you should be in this world be that physically and or mentally.

Spirit x

Well explained - I can't shake the same feeling, I am not coping. Its scarey as hell. I lie because I cannot be me, I have to be someone else - who I think I should seem to be if I am to be allowed to live. It sounds illogical when I write it down, but I feel as though utter strangers have the right to take away my life, and I would have no right to protest. Lying sometimes feels safer. And means that no-one can see the vulnerability I feel.

 

[2tired2deal]

I think it's imperative that you understand the person who's 'covering up' doesn't see it as a lie. There's a difference between deceit and avoidance.
I invited a friend to meet and go out; when the day before came, I was paralyzed with a fear, I just did NOT want to go and meet. I can't explain it. So I 'invented' a reason why it wouldn't work after all, and backed out. Did I feel horrible? Yes. Did I feel relieved? Yes again. Do I understand why I did it? Nope. It was a 'lie', but it was also self-preservation. And all I knew was that it was what I had to do, at that time...

 

[Grama-Herc]

You could not have explained my life any better. It is as if you were sitting on my shoulder for the past 11 years.

I make plans. I want to go places and do things. But when the time nears, there is no physical way I can go. The panic and anxiety that steps in and stops me dead in my tracks is so intense

I do not understand this at all! Do You? The invented reason. That is what eventually cost me my job. I simply could not keep track of those "invented reasons" why I was unable to go to work. They fired me. I certainly don't blame them. I had gotten to the point that I could not show up any morer.

What we do is not lieing, It is Self Preservation. It is Our Survival. If we are pushed we will collapse. That is the cold hard fact of our lives

 

[superpcp]

i find it is certainly easier to lie to them rather than be straight. but then again, i think the family and friends i lie to dont want to hear the truth anyways. they just want to hear the happy fake stuff full of puppies and rainbows. so yes, it is much easier for me and them in my situation to put on that mask and lie.

 

[2tired2deal]

You could not have explained my life any better. It is as if you were sitting on my shoulder for the past 11 years.

I make plans. I want to go places and do things. But when the time nears, there is no physical way I can go. The panic and anxiety that steps in and stops me dead in my tracks is so intense

I do not understand this at all! Do You? The invented reason. That is what eventually cost me my job. I simply could not keep track of those "invented reasons" why I was unable to go to work. They fired me. I certainly don't blame them. I had gotten to the point that I could not show up any more.

I don't understand it, either. And it seems to be increasing. I need to talk to my T, because it's turning me into a hermit. I was fired for the first time in my life a couple of years ago, and I've not been in a hurry to go back to work. I changed careers, and went to work for a while, then I had to have surgery, and I could probably work now, but I'm choosing to pursue school fulltime instead. I can handle being in class for a few hours a day, but I look forward to being home ASAP. I have four animals, and while at home, I joke with my husband that I must be the 'Pied Piper' of the house, because everywhere I go, they follow me. Even the cats. I get up and go to the kitchen, they're all underfoot. (The cat swipes at the little dog, it makes me laugh). I go back to 'my room' where I have TV, computer, phone, everything I need, they all follow and the dogs lay on the floor next to the bed and the cat tries to lay ON me. I guess the point of this is that I get comfort from them more than any human in my life (except my hubby of course). So staying home is really preferable for me. That's probably bad.
The weird thing is, I'm good at my new profession (Nursing) and I love it. But I get increasingly anxious about meeting and greeting socially. I guess I'm good at nursing because people appreciate me, and I'm gentle with them.
Grandma Herc, I DO understand how you feel. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. :Hug_emoticon: