Do You Look At Your Therapist When You Talk?

[Elphaba]

Loved the engineer joke!

I guess I have recently started to worry about my body language or sending out wrong signals. I don't feel very "steady". I mean, I say a lot of things in that room that is not thought through. The thoughts seem to come after a session. And then they are not shared again.

But when I talk about things that have happened - I don't know what I am looking at. It is almost as floating away to a different dimension.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I give her the glare of death.

We have a wonderful relationship, can't you tell? ;-)

 

[jesse]

So glad you started this thread because I was thinking the exact same thing the other day. I rarely make eye contact and was wondering if it was just me. I think it may be a form of concentration, it's hard for me to focus on my emotions if I am trying to read into someone else's. It's like I go into this trance and just start talking. So it's probably pretty common and normal.
Jesse

 

[bluecat]

It depends, are you not looking at her because you're uncomfortable with her or is it because you're focused on your memories? I did a little shopping around before I settled on my current therapist, it was important for me to find someone who would be a patient listener, because I felt very overpowered and like I couldn't express myself, if you know what I mean.

I've been seeing my therapist for 8 years now and over the years we've tackled a lot of different traumas. Typically, if I am recalling stuff from my past, I stare straight ahead, almost like if I wasn't looking at anything in particular, because my attention is focused inward. This is especially true if I am recalling things that I haven't integrated into my adult awareness yet. If I am talking with my therapist about my current problems or feelings or asking her opinion on something, I am looking at her.

I am pretty sure at the beginning of therapy I wasn't interacting with her much, I was in tough shape and barely could hold it together. Once I started talking about the things that happened, I couldn't stop, she couldn't squeeze in a word sideways. As I unloaded some of it, I could start actually interacting with her. In the beginning what really mattered to me was that she listened without judgment. Now we can have a conversation that goes both ways, not just my monologue. But if I have to go back when things resurface or when I remember something new, I look into nowhere.

Bluecat

 

[Elphaba]

I noticed, in the last session, that I made a bit more eye contact. I think it is we were talking about things that weren't too painful and that it was a bit more of a philosophical discussion. When it is issues that aren't too close, I am more able to express disagreement where I disagree, and to not keep my eyes on the floor when I do so.

 

[KP the nut]

My therapist is always ready to meet my eyes, but I too have a habit of staring at an object or my hands or something else while deep in thought or talking about something that requires total concentration and accuracy. It's not an aversion to eye contact, it's just a habit, and I think it is pretty common.

I do the not looking thing, it helps me to focus. I do look at him at the start and when he is trying to bring me back into the room.
I don't think it is an issue.
I do hug a cushion as well:)
Ts see all types we are individuals, if we were all the same the world would be v boring. I now need the courage to face the non boring world.
My T says there is no right or wrong way, just the way that works best for you
KP

 

[cat]

'The thoughts seem to come after a session. And then they are not shared again'

Elphaba

Have you thought to write down these thoughts, my T always says the thoughts
we have in the hours after therapy are really important & need sharing.

I have found that sharing them has helped to clarify & reinforce therapy & sometimes gives us a starting point for the session.

 

[cat]

I have always struggled with eye contact but even more so in the last 5yrs. As with most of us I have huge trust issues & at first struggled to make eye contact with my T & would stare at the top of a cupboard. Thankfully she understood
& would only expect it if she was checking that I had understood something.

A traumatic memory was the look of contempt in my abusers eyes & I am aware that I look for sincerity in other peoples eyes when i make contact, if I dont see it I find it very hard to open up.

After 2yrs with my T I know I can trust her but i still check her eyes, she is very compassionate but at the same time very professional, I respect her for that & know that when i make eye contact with her she understands what that means for me.

 

[KP the nut]

Iy also helps my T does hand tapping EMDR so I have to watch hands not eyes:)

 

[Jestadud]

I am quite an open person and could greet my T pretty normally, but once we got into the therapy part my shame would make me avert my eyes. But if I felt she was unbelieving of what I was telling her I could/would turn my gaze on to her to let her glimpse what was inside. But only briefly as I never wanted her to fear me just understand me.

 

[Lucycat]

I have just reread my post on here from last November.
This week I have been instructed by my psychiatrist ( first meeting with him) that I MUST look into my T's eyes when we are doing EMDR. That is going to be a real challenge!

 

[Kintsugi]

I give her the glare of death.

We have a wonderful relationship, can't you tell? ;-)

Actually, SOL, I had this relationship with my T for several years. Eventually the Glare of Death became the Look of Sarcasm. But we do have a great relationship, and I think the reason why is because of the Glare of Death. She could take it. And she could take my sarcasm. And she can dish it out! I love it.

With her (T of five years), I never made a whole lot of eye contact outside of the above looks. I also always need to have something on my lap to cover me. I used to not take my coat off (that lasted about a year), then I would either drape it over my lap or have my word processor on my lap for security. I still always bring something with me to therapy to put on my lap when I talk. It's a protection thing.

The school counselors, whom I really only saw on and off, I generally made eye contact with. Which I think is a pretty big part of why it wasn't working between us. When I made eye contact, I put on a fake face. I couldn't focus on anything I needed to talk about because I was busy trying to maintain pleasant eye contact.

My school's setup really hurt my ability to be real with all of the counselors, too, since all students on campus are employees of the college and work 15 hours a week. Where I work, the writing center, we have A LOT of interaction and collaboration with the counseling center, because we are constantly having to send kids over there or walk them over ourselves, and we're often faced with extremely tough emotional circumstances (people are stressed about their papers, then stressed about their lives, and then they spiral in the writing center while working with us and they're crying and talking about their parent's divorce or something and it's time to move them to the counseling center). I am kind of high profile on campus as a sex abuse survivor, so students have come to me saying they want to work on a paper, then totally broken down and said things like, "I knew YOU would understand. I was triggered today/yesterday/last week when..."

So I have too much professional interaction with the counselors there to work on myself. And thus always feel professional/formal and make lots of eye contact as a professional.

Didn't mean for this to be so long. Just a big issue for me.