Poll Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

[lostforgottensoul]

I think the major difference between why one worked, and why one didn't, is the difference between exposure therapy & retraumatization.

I totally and completely agree, there is a huge difference.

I think it depends on the trauma when it comes to exposure therapy, I think. Like i can expose myself to people to help my terror of people but how do you do exposure therapy for rape without retraumatizing yourself? I guess theres tv, documentries, google, the internet (done all of those) but i dont know if that counts as exposure therapy really.

Id love your thoughts on that, FJ. I vaule your input on things and you often have a ton of great input!

When I am stressed I engage in risky behaviors seeking men through online forums

Ive done that many times. So many that i have no idea how im alive and STD free. Seriously. It used to be my only way to carry out one of my rituals. I guess that would count as risk seeking.

I think something i never thought of risk seeking was my huffing duster (obviously getting f*cked up) but id add more and more and more...like begging for it to take my life...flirting with death. The highest amount was 16 cans inside of a few hrs. Im very lucky to still be breathing. Not sure if that counts as re-creating trauma. I suppose it could as ive been on the edge of death many times in my trauma and was given drugs to be more sexual and compliant. So maybe?

Back to the meeting men online, do you still do it? I havent for a few years but its mainly because of off/on not living alone. Ive met up with a few in hotels but, for me, its stopped for a while.

Is there any sort of constructive distracting acitivties that you can do when stressed? Theres a long list in my DBT workbook if you would like some ideas to distract.

I use my my stun gun on myself multiple times.

Wow, I own a stun gun and never thought to do that (not that im getting ideas as that terrifies me) but yeah, that is most certianly self harm and id be concerned if i were your therapist. Im glad you are willing to talk about it!

What makes you do it do you think? Is it to hurt yourself or try to tip yourself on the suicide or does it, like all SH does for me, bring you back from on the edge? If you arent comfortable talking about it, thats totally ok. Was just wondering how i/we can best support you in this area. Either way, im so glad you opened up about this!

This is a judgement free zone so open up as much as you need! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 34424]

I blame myself for every little thing that I deem (or others deem) as not right, even very small things that you wouldn't think to feel horribly guilty about, like not closing the fridge door hard enough and letting it be slightly open for 15 minutes. Big and small, big anxiety and guilt with shame.

I hold a lot of guilt and shame because of my abuse as a child even though I shouldn't.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I blame myself for every little thing that I deem (or others deem) as not right, even very small things that you wouldn't think to feel horribly guilty about, like not closing the fridge door hard enough and letting it be slightly open for 15 minutes. Big and small, big anxiety and guilt with shame.

I do as well. Its hard, I think, because we were blamed for everything (or at least I was) as a child and so we do the same as an adult and we dont even allow for human error. Certinaly something to work on.

I hold a lot of guilt and shame because of my abuse as a child even though I shouldn't.

I do as well. We shouldnt but its hard not to but I think releasing the shame and guilt is part of the healing! :hug: thank you for sharing that!

 

[Deleted member 34424]

Yes! It's very difficult but I know I will be definitely be better working through it.

 

[forgottensore]

I repeatedly avoid / sabotage close relationships with emotionally stable and affectionate partners and will seek out connections / affairs with emotionally unavailable, neglecting partners instead. I just recently became aware that I have been doing this again and again for years and that the issue might stem less from the fact that "I'm not good enough" for these distant partners, but more from my poor choice of romantic interests.
To me it seems as if I try to recreate the neglect I'm already used to from my childhood and I really hope that therapy will help me to stop.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

To me it seems as if I try to recreate the neglect I'm already used to from my childhood and I really hope that therapy will help me to stop.

I think most of us do in some way or another. Some may not as much as others but i think that skewed sense of what normal is in all or most trauma victims and we all want to feel normal or feel proper and we feel these things are normal or proper.

Im glad that you have a want to stop or at least self awareness that its there and not normal or proper. I think thats the biggest first step in changing it! :) :hug:

 

[JP Bailey]

By the time I was 5 years old I had been through 5 traumatic things. Including sexual abuse from age 5 to 9.

From the time I was a kid I had always done risky behaviors, and barely came out of it alive, so to speak. I'm older now but I spent my younger days in the fast lane partying and jumping into things too fast, running away. But I also put myself through college and got into recovery because I knew my life would just get worse if I didn't get help.

For years I agonized over the child porn fantasies that I've had from the time I was 9 years old. (When we moved away from the molester). I got took advantage of several times in my young teens and never liked it but years later my fantasies all had that same theme to them. It was a dark secret I was ashamed of.

I didn't know why I had them, it didn't make sense. I worried about for years there was something wrong with me because I couldn't get off without some sort of sexual abuse fantasy. I never understood it, wouldn't dare talk about if for fear other people, especially other survivors, would hate me forever.

In real life I was in a rage inside about child sexual abuse and binge watched every show, documentary or report on the topic. I was obsessed with reading about personality disorders for years and years.

I wanted to help abuse victims and chose a career where I could help people, especially women like me, eventually writing a book on how I healed my codependency issues that kept me in toxic relationships. I dedicated my journey to healing and recovery. It took awhile but it was worth it. I don't do risky behaviors any more, except maybe smoking.

Otherwise, I've been truly happy for the first time in my life for 8 years now when I finally got the nerve to look for a good man, since I wasn't attracted to the users/losers/abusers anymore because, I used EFT Tapping on all my issues for years, along with recovery, so I could change my patterns. I'm so glad I did. I finally have real love, without abuse.

Now I'm a mental health counselor where I get to help people every day because I know what its like to go through things.

I've got a lot of healing and recovery now and I use it to help other survivors. But having a place like this to share it all; the good and the bad, helps me too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow @JP Bailey, thank you for sharing your story with us!

Only a few months ago I was still doing the cult's rituals and they all had a sexual componant, most of that was porn and almost all of the porn was child porn. I never watched child porn, i read it. The site i found was others writing and submiting their incest porn stories, I wrote quite a few that werent fictional. The site has since been taken down but for years it was my 'go to'.

It would be also the main thing id use in another ritual that i wrote about here early on. Those or the ones id write

Id also think about "gentle sex" with my step dad. It was those thoughts that would put me to sleep for many years as thats what i knew as love. It is what i know as love.

I also binge watch documentries on kidnappings, which ive always identified with more than CSA survivors, cults, human trafficking, and the like. I want to feel that im not alone in what i deal with, how i feel and think, and why. I identify more with kidnap victims then anyone and never knew why until i watched the movie I Know My First Name Is Steven.

Its so awesome that you made your life mean something and you are now helping others! I havent gotten to the point of making my life mean something. Thats very awesome!

Im very honored and humbled that you shared your story and earlier struggles. Thank you! :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Ironically I am in a place where most of what I can't discuss relates to emotional abuse and dynamics. And some other things of course. What I can now own is a history of intimate self harm which started immediately after my first attempt at exposure therapy (very soon after, intense and serious and changed things permanently) and continued until recently. At its worst it was multiple times a day. If I had a flashback or intense intrusion its the first thing I would go to. That happened with physical self abuse when triggered by aggression in certain circumstances.

I was and still am sometimes drawn to sick and unwell people. Its not an attraction on a normal sense. Its a familiarity. A recognition. I had this strange arrogance in a sense sometimes in that I felt better able to deal with them than others. Still need to guard against that. A lot of reenactment comes from a brainless mode. What I tend to call my zombie mode. Its like something sends me into a automatic state where my body knows my brain is not required and could be a problem. As I recover I am able to stay out of this state more and more and am forewarned.

There is more but not within my realm of describing them or not within my comfort (enough) zone. Or they are a repeat of what others have described such as binge watching triggering material or reenacting situations until I retraumatise myself or learn. Usually its the first for a long long time before it becomes the second. Sadly.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Abstract, thank you for sharing! Only share what you feel able as this is a sensitive but much needed topic.

I certianly did, do though its been a few months, intimate self harm. Im sorry that happened after exposure therapy as thats meant to help, not harm but i know "exposure therapy" and its impact depends on the one doing it. I was with a free counselor that did it wrong, retraumatized me and made me freak out, and then he dropped me because i wasnt "ready". So i get its harmful in the wrong hands. Thats why im so terrified of it today.

Im sorry that happened! :hug:

I was told once that i attracted the unwell. It was familiar but i think it was also to try to "fix" or help in some way. I had no idea how unwell i was at the time and i was looking for a purpose i think. Or to do something "good".

That ended with my ex roommates. Also allowed it to help and man did i pay for that. Since i sort of "woke up" and started to not allow manipulation in my life like that anymore. I owe my current therapist for that as we spent a long time on just that one topic and it took a long while for me to realize i was being manipulated and taken advantage of then i started to learn basic but much needed boundries.

I think sometimes we go through stuff to learn bigger lessons after, you know?

I go zombie-like at times. I think, for me, its disassociation, where my brain checks out for a bit. My body has been crashing but when that happens, like today, i sleep an entire day...or more. But i think maybe thats a coping thing?

Thank you for sharing! :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

NOTE: I have no idea why some of the options in the poll are bold with a * and some ar...

Didn't answer but there are some on there I did in the past and didn't know why. Now that I'm aware of what's going on and it's worse with the flashbacks and dissociation sex is off the menu. Per therapist orders.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I've recreated my abuse through playacting and later using that as tool for writing. It's something I do in my head and in my body without interaction with someone else. I started playacting my abuse around three years old. And got into more intense play with dolls at around six. I continued throughout my adult life even after I was married until I stopped remembering what happened to me. Then I no longer needed it in that way. I now use it for writing novels.