General Do You Think I've Done the Right Thing?

[unbroken]

My girlfriend suffers from PTSD, yet her family seems to refuse to acknowledge it. They don't seem to know much about it, and see her bouts as her being too emotional rather than what it is. She has told me that in the short two months that I've known her, I have asked about, and researched and tried to learn more about PTSD than anyone in her immediate family. That fact saddens me.

One of the things that I have noticed with her is that she feels very unappreciated, particularly by her own son who is 16 yrs old. He lashes out at her and talks to her as if she was a punk kid on the playground. I've witnessed it first hand, and I don't like the way he talks to her.

After I met her, she told me that he does have some health issues (physical, not necessarily emotional) and she has admitted that he does get spoiled a little. She felt that his health problems were her fault, and I try to explain that she shouldn't feel that way. But part of what I felt was her lack of self-confidence was because of how her son made her feel. I could see that it upset her, and also listened to her cry because he won't respect her. He doesn't talk to others this way, just to her. I've talked to him a few times about other things and he didn't really act that way towards me.

Then one night he had a problem with the reception on his television and he hollered down for her to "come and fix it". It was a Saturday night, I was there with her watching television, and she told him the other sets were fine and that he could watch in another room if he needed to. He got mad, told her to "just do something", and she simply told him, very calmly, "honey there's nothing I can do about it right now, I don't know how to fix televisions".

Well, then what I heard really bothered me. He snapped in a very sarcastic and smart-ass tone, "then get your boyfriend up here to fix it, he's supposed to be good at these things. tell him to fix it!".

She asked me to look into it, and so I went up there and I asked him if he has ever heard the word 'please' in his life, and suggested he learn it. He realized at that point that talking to me that way wasn't going to fly, but he continued to talk to his mother that way. I finally told her the other day that I didn't like the way he talked to her, and suggested that she does not let him get away with it anymore. I very politely told her that I know she loves him, but part of her getting better is to not allow a teenager to make her feel worthless and insignificant.

When I first met her, I couldn't dare say anything about how to raise her son, but she is starting to allow me to comment more now and she told me today that she has been telling him that she hates it when he talks to her like that and that she will not tolerate it anymore. She even told him that I had noticed it, and that if he continues to talk like that to her she'll slap him across his smart mouth. (not that she's a violent person, but you know).

I, for one, am proud of her for taking a stance and telling him that she will not let him talk to her like that, and I hope that I did the right thing by letting her know how wrong I think it is. I don't dislike her son, and I do not in any way wish bad things ... I have fully accepted that her son is an extension of her, and that to date her I must be willing to be a role model for her son as well as accept that he's #1 in her life. Part of me wants to make sure she knows that my suggestions and encouragement to stand up to her son is not an ulterior motive to accommodate my own selfish wants, but rather what I feel is necessary to build up her own self-esteem.

So do you think I did the right thing, or should I have stayed out of it? I don't want her relationship with her son to be strained because of me, but at the same time I don't want her to feel so belittled by a 16 year old kid with a smart mouth and no respect for his mother.

thanks...

 

[Cindy]

Well this is a loaded question. There are a lot of factors involved here.

1. Her relationship with her son.
2. Your relationship with her son.
3. The new "family" triangle.
4. The son's maturity.

I think you get all the angles ...

Anyway, being a High School Teacher of that age student, they will push all the limits they can get away with. Obviously he has gotten away with it for a very long time. He is not use to taking responsibility for his actions or words. He is used to being catered too - probably due to his illness and the fact he is in a single parent home.

I wish to caution you on your interactions. I am not saying one way or the other if you were wrong in interjecting your beliefs. But when you do, consider what will be interpretted by both your gf and her son.

I have had many a student, and my own daughter share stories about the 'new' parent figure trying to change their relationship with a parent and even so much as take over and cut the child out all the way.

If her son feels you are changing his comfortable scene - where he gets everything his way - How do you think he will react or interpret it without understanding your reasons behind it.

Both parts of this equation need some remediation on healthy relationships but be very careful how you intercede because it's like playing with fire if it isn't done very slowly and carefully. Redesigning teen/parent relationships is difficult it means change is coming - not always fun.

 

[Cowgirl]

Excellent comments, Cindy.

Unbroken, I am sure that you care about your GF and want to make things better for her - to take care of her. That is not a bad thing. Caution is prudent, though, as Cindy aptly pointed out. Let the young man know that you are interested in his well-being as well as his mother's well-being.

Best wishes!

Cowgirl

 

[graebrahm]

Hi - I am a parent of my own small children and raised my husband's youngest daughter from age 10-18 (1 of 3 from previous marriage). I have been involved in his children's lives in different circumstances through the years. When I first met his children, his middle child (then 14) was a lot like your girlfriend's son in the respect department - she gave little or none to her dad.

My position on this was that he really needed to get the respect of his children or over time it would be hard for me or anyone to respect him. He had been so beaten down by his ex-wife that he was sort of numb where the family was concerned. Yes there is a line with how much to say but you have to be able to live with the relationship you have with her - and the relationship she has with her children will always be there and impact your relationship with her.

I tend to be a direct person myself, so my way of dealing with this was to talk to my then boyfriend about my observations of the treatment dealt him by his children and frankly say that if he doesn't have the respect of his own children it would be hard for me to continue to grow in a respectful relationship with him - a fact for me. He was pretty much in denial of this treatment from his children until we talked and had somewhat of an awakening and then took action with his daughter himself. She didn't like it too much because dad wasn't letting her use him for a doormat anymore. She tried to manipulate everything and everyone to keep her position and I often spoke my true feelings with her - as you did with your girlfriend's son. We had numerous interactions about her treatment of her father and while I think it helped at times she ultimately did lean more toward her mother. Sad when there is division between parents that are not together and how one or both can destroy a child. A difficult situation no matter how you approach it. But I do believe that doing the right thing for kids is more important than winning a popularity contest with them. In this case her mother was into winning the contest and not doing what's best for her children.

I think you have to be honest with both of them as you were but let her handle as much of it as possible. Keep in mind that her son can and probably will try to put a wedge between the two of you - my step-daughter did this often. I always kept my cool and never reacted to what she said and fortunately my husband and I tell each other everything so nothing she said was news to me as she had hoped - so that is another thought to keep in mind.

As far as her family - you're right, it is sad but many people just don't understand PTSD. Mine at least tries to but I do have friends who just don't get it. A very dear friend of mine who is like my second dad told me to just "cut this nonsense out" regarding my inability to get into a car and just go anywhere, anytime in any weather. He knows about my accident and was present when my car was removed from a river with my babies in it but still just can't grasp that I get physically ill - without intention. FORGIVE her family - they must not be capable or willing to understand but above all, continue to be supportive of her. By not grudging against her family, you will be a good example for her as well (vent here not to her) because if I let it bother me when friends say silly things (as my friend did) or don't understand, it would eat me up inside (like hate can) and I have enough to deal with without that being added. Who knows maybe your example will teach them as well...

Good luck and God bless you all.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't want her to feel so belittled by a 16 year old kid with a smart mouth and no respect for his mother.

As a mother of a 16 year old I understand the 'tones' and 'attitudes' young men have these days.

Unfortunate reality is that our children are a product of their environment mixed with the way we bring them up. Unless this boy has a medical problem, I am tempted to think something has happened for him to have such disrespect for his mother. Perhaps she does not hold him accountable or does little to teach him that he cannot speak to her like he does. Cruel and harsh reality is that the mother holds some responsibility for the way her son treats her as she has had a huge influence on his behaviour to this point.

An example of what I am trying to say is when a parent hears their 4 year old child use the F bomb, they giggle and laugh and say how cute it is...they allow the behaviour. When the child is 7-8 it is no longer funny but as it wasn't stopped before it now has become something ingrained and will take a lot of work to change. It also confuses the child as before it was funny, now it's not yet nothing has changed for them.

My son does have moments when he talks to me with disrespect and there is an immediate consequence if he does. Generally, despite being hormonal, he treats me well and I would not let him be any other way.

Another influencing factor could be the way your girlfriend has been treated by the son's father or other male role models such as boyfriends. If the boy has watched other men disrespect his mother while he was growing up (and she didn't do anything to try and stop it) he could also think it is acceptable behaviour.

In answer to your question, should have you got involved.... well, you already are as a boyfriend - the depth of which is another question.

 

[Cindy]

This is a good thread.

As I was reading the last post, which I agree by the way. It got me to thinking ...

If you were three people stuck on a desert island how would you treat each other. If you took away all the outside influences and just focused on the here and now - what would change?

You would all be more dependent on each other for survival.

OK, this is a bit extreme, but if the three of you began to work as a team instead of opposing forces what would that look like? How would each of you have to change in the relationships? Just a thought.

As I read these posts by others with teenagers it does illustrate they are a unique breed. Hormones on feet, it's all about me, but they do need clear limits that are backed up with consequences.

 

[unbroken]

Thanks for all the input, I was curious how others would feel if they were in a similar situation. I think the one thing that is different with me is that I have never been abusive, in any capacity, with any woman or child. I've always gotten along well with kids, and despite her son's attitude I think he and I are coming around well, too. I set some boundaries early that clearly define me as an adult and not some punk kid who can be talked down to, but did it politely.

She's allowing me to be what she called a good mediator, and I told her that I wanted to help, but didn't want him to feel like I was only going to side with her, and she agreed that it would be detrimental if I did that.

So last night I did talk to him a lot and asked him if he would join me and take his mom out for dinner on Mother's Day. He said the they were getting along he didn't feel like and and really opened up to me about how they weren't getting along. I talked with him about things and he said they've been trying to get along but all they end up doing is fighting, so I asked him if we can all three work together and try to make a change and he seemed willing. I let him pick the type of restaurant to go to and he was really opening up more and more. Later, when she asked me to bring his night time pills to him I thought it was great that he actually thanked me completely on his own.

She has had some disrespectful/abusive guys in her past and that's part of the reason why she's been single for a long time. I'm no superman and have my own share of faults, but I've assured the both of them that I don't want to become a wedge between them or feel that I can 'save' them from themselves, but want to join them and become family. She's happy that I'm getting positive reactions from him, and he seems to accept that I'm part of the equation. Hopefully we can all three do some things together and they can both start being happy again.

So far it seems to be working, I just have to remind myself to keep an even keel about it all, I know I'm not their saviour but it would be nice to see them both happy again ... like they were in so many pictures I've seen of them both together.

Thanks again for the input ... it helps!

 

[spiritofnow]

Yes this is a great post with lots of fantastic insights.

I have a thirteen year old son; boundary pusher, learning through example, excerting himself, challenging my beliefs in comparison with his peers. He is maturing, but he is also still experinecing life through many immature senses in order to try to make his own choices and perceptions.

Kids need boundaries, guidance and consistancy. I would agree with Nicolette that his tone and manner are leanred behaviour and part of his culture. However, I believe that the only way to improve his attitude towards your girl is that she does not allow him to believe that it is going to be tolerated.

I tell my son when I feel he has stepped out of line, and that his behaviour is unacceptable and I will not accept it from him. I also always point out that I may be the one who issues the consequences of his actions, but that he is in control of, 'if that happens'. Give them the responsibilty of their actions.

Kids know their parents buttons and they have learned manipulation down to a fine art, whether you allow them to practice this is the crux of all of this.

Example; my son was asked by me to carry out a simple chore (that he also gets paid for), he resisted and resisted and pushed my buttons. He threw past experiences of our realtionship in my face in order to make me react.

I explained that I was cross with his behaviour and that the more he resisted the greater the consequences of his actions would be. I expalined that his behaviour was not in fact challenging me, but that he was setting himself up for a hard time at home. He eventually did what I asked and has since had his p.c privilges taken away for a time.

It is hard to be a part of something that you can see from an objective view - there are lots of dynamics at play here, and so my guidance would be to simply be a sounding board for your girl, give her some examples of how she can uncreate his tone with her. Support her. Dremonstrate what your boundaries are with her son, but do try not to step in and protect her from him. She needs to do this for the greater good of all three of you!

PTSD can make parenting really hard work at times - your support will be all she needs.

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

You are so lovely and wise Unbroken!

You should celebrate that!

I hope all three of you find your little piece of happiness.

Spirit x

 

[unbroken]

Good points, all of them. Thanks Spirit...I appreciate the kind words. I think the main focus for me is that I don't want to change her - I fell in love with who she is the first time I met her. I just want to help bring that out in her for others to see. And I think her son's a good kid deep down inside and I don't want to change him either, I do want to be his friend and let him know that he can count on me if he needs it. He only seems to talk that way with her, and hopefully by seeing that I don't despise him for it (since I'm dating his mother) he will eventually realize that I'm not there to split them apart but to help bring them back together.

As for her ... I may never fully understand why, but she loves me with all her heart and tells me so all the time. It would be different if she had a history of 'turnstile relationships', but she has been very picky for several years. She felt a connection to me from the beginning. She's just beautiful - how can I not be in love with her?

 

[spiritofnow]

As for her ... I may never fully understand why, but she loves me with all her heart and tells me so all the time. It would be different if she had a history of 'turnstile relationships', but she has been very picky for several years. She felt a connection to me from the beginning. She's just beautiful - how can I not be in love with her?

All of that quote and more is why she is in love with you, and rightly so! Believe in your goodness and worthyness. You deserved to be loved right back!

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

P.s

I think the reflection that you bring here of your affections to and from her are so wonderful. It is so important to celebrate in the love of two people who may perhaps have the odds stacked against them, but are loving their way through the tough times. I am an old romantic and it is reflections like this that make me smile inside.

Thank you for sharing Unbroken, it is a gift!

Spirit x