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Does Anyone Else Have This Problem? - Feeling of Dread

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Relaxed, you say? I know I'm unable to relax precisely because if I do, I will feel and if I feel, I will suddenly experience very bad emotions, especially "dread." Anything can be a trigger--like the phone ringing. It's too intense so I invariably turn the feelings off and remain in that half-dead, half-hypervigiliant state which prevents me from enjoying or succeeding at, life.

Edit:

Just recalled--the phone ringing or someone knocking at the door have been particularly problematic for me any time I begin to relax because it's a sudden, unexpected invasion of my space by another. When I relax, which is very rare, I let the walls down. The walls are there not just because I have been hurt by people but because the me behind those walls (and there are several layers of walls, each protecting an increasingly more vulnerable, real me) is unacceptable. It is like being emotionally naked. So when I'm relaxed and am surprised by the sudden possiblity of interacting with another (human interaction always involves emotions on some level) I'm afraid--afraid of being shamed and hurt--and I always quickly "cover up". Anyway, that's me.

Kells said:
All of this is so frustrating, I honestly am jealous of those of you guys/gals that actually can get something outside of the house accomplished. It is just too nerve racking for me to even answer the phone, much less get a grocery shopping trip done

On my first session with the counsellor I'm now seeing, he asked me what goals I wished to achieve through counselling. I replied "rest when I sleep, the ability to relax, and the ability to walk down the street or buy a pop, or stand in line at the bank without feeling like I am being crushed by the gazes of other, or that I am going to fly out of my skin". I too envy those who can do mundane, everday things without feeling like they're going on a quest to destroy the One Ring.
 
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